April 2, 2005: Guess what? I have two new articles for you, the loyal sucker! But first, look at this. Now that that's out of the way, I have this thing and I have that thing. Love them or else!


March 14, 2005: How the hell is it March already? And for that matter, how the hell is March halfway over already? I have not added very many articles to the site recently because I have been rerunning some old ones that I did last Spring that nobody read because they weren't in the print version of my paper. I was going to add a buttload of doodles, but you'll have to wait until next week because I am on spring break and I left my doodles not on spring break. But until next week, enjoy these delightfully redundant pictures of Jesus. First, we have Carpenter Jesus, and second, we have Hippie Jesus. Sit on THAT and spin, chumps!


February 21, 2005: How are you today! Surprise! It's a Monday and I'm actually updating my website! But wait, there's bad news too! I will be taking next week off because I am going to San Francisco to learn how to do journalism good, and I'll be crapped if I'll have time to write anything. So that means you'd better make this thing I wrote last for two weeks. Here's something interesting about that article: apparently, I look like an Asian duck. OK bye!


February 18, 2005: Guess who? It's me! I have two things because I keep forgetting to update my site! First there's this thing and then there is also this one other thing. Careful though: neither of them are any good.


February 2, 2005: Hey you know what it's not Monday it's Wednesday but you know what? Sit on it and spin!This here's an article about those commercials with the rapping purple rhino whose hit single you can buy for your cell phone. All the way to the bank, that is!


January 26, 2005: Hey chumps, guess what I forgot I had a website for like a month! To make up for the fact that I suck, here's a hilarious new article about New Year's resolutions that is only like two weeks old! And don't be discouraged by my monumental sloth, because I will be updating regularly again starting Monday! Expect new articles every week, and this upcoming Monday expect a new column from Nathaniel Hawthorne! OK bye!


December 13, 2004: Hi gang! I'm sorry I did not update last week; it is because this website is unimportant! But that means I have two terrible articles this week! First, something about steroids, and second, the best thing I have ever written. See you soon!


December 1, 2004: Well, of course, Ken Jennings lost yesterday, so my last article was immediately irrelevant! However, if you want to read a version of it that is now sort of relevant, look at this thing.


November 29, 2004: Good news! This article I wrote about that guy who wins all the time on "Jeopardy!" will be completely irrelevant once he loses! OK bye!


November 22, 2004: Sorry chumps, but in honor of our national holiday where we celebrate the brave pilgrims who repaid the indigenous people of this continent by taking a break from slaughtering them to feed them turkey, I have decided to take this week off. However, just so I look kinda productive, I added this thing to my vast assortment of artwork. I apologize. OK bye!


November 15, 2004: Bam! Article about how the RIAA are bastards! Bam!


November 8, 2004: Sorry bastards! I didn't update last week because I consider the Halloween issue to just be an update that's five days early. Also working on a newspaper during the election really screwed my life up. But I have things! First, some stupid article! Also, a review of "America: The Book" by Jon Stewart and the rest of The Daily Show.


October 27, 2004: I got's a special announcement, jerks! The newspaper I work for did a special parody issue for Halloween this week, and I did like all of it because I'm a loser and that's my idea of a good time. Because I'm such a swell guy, I uploaded the PDFs of the pages here (page one is like four times bigger than the other ones for reasons that you wouldn't care about). Huzzah!

Page 1
Page 2
Page 3
Page 4


October 25, 2004: Boo-yah! Article! About Trick-or-Treating! How ya like me now?!


October 18, 2004: I only have one thing to update with this week, because I'm lazy and I'm not a very good person. Sorry. Here's some crappy article about people who write election garbage on sidewalks with chalk. It's not very good, but you'd better like it anyway.


October 11, 2004: Shut up! Of all the things I wrote this week, here is what they are: there's a brand new movie-review column with the most horrifying visual ever (think "Teddy Roosevelt" and "blumpkin"), a new column about zombies by Violently Angry Rasta (he is definetely anti-zombie), and a column by Nathaniel Hawthorne about the Boston Red Sox (get it?!?!). I rule.


October 4, 2004: Since today is my birthday, you have all decided to pitch in and give me the gift of markedly lowered expectations. How thoughtful of you. As such, I only have one thing to update with today, some stupid article about cell phones. Expect a rather large update next week, when I add all the stuff I've been working on for weeks and probably should have added this week, but you know, you got me that great gift and all. Up the chain!


September 27, 2004: Since I know that the kind of person who would look at this website is also the kind of person who would enjoy a good poop joke, I wrote an article that basically a string of bad poop jokes. Also secondly as well is another column by Violently Angry Rasta, and I also added some doodles I've been making in the first few weeks of class when I probably should have been paying attention or taking notes or not pooping on the classroom floor (that's funny if you read the article I wrote. Actually, nevermind; that's not funny no matter what).


September 20, 2004: Whaddup? This week I wrote an article about how Hollywood is running out of movie ideas, and my evidence of this is that they are now starting to make movies based on nightmares that I've had. What, you run out of '80s sitcoms to make movies out of? No "Charles in Charge" movie I can look forward to. Anyway, there is also a new column by ghost-story author and hippie drug stoner Edgar Allen Poe about how much he enjoys food.


September 13, 2004: How are you doing! This week, I have an article about how crappy Atkins commercials are, another column by famous comedian Space Bill Cosby, and the first in a series of three reviews I plan on writing of the first three Pogues' albums. This one here is a review of their first album, "Red Roses for Me." It is a good album. Ok bye!


September 6, 2004: Sorry for the late update, but I was busy celebrating National Communist Appreciation Day, better known as Labor day. This week there's some new crap I wrote for my newspaper's first issue of the semester: first, this generic column targetted at generic in-coming freshman and some new helpful hints that are pretty much the same as the first thing (generic). But also there's something good too; contributor ektomage wrote an article about columnist (and split personality) Violently Angry Rasta, that I guess qualifies as a review for Red Stripe. Confused and interested? Then read this!


August 30, 2004: Hello sucker! This week, why don't you read a wonderful article that I wrote about what will happen when being gay isn't totally the "in" thing to do. But if you like comedy, then you'll propably want to skip that and read this column by Violently Angry Rasta about how much he hates the olympics. Not only is it funnier than anything I would ever put my name on, but it so totally proves that I'm a complete schizo. Up the chain!


August 23, 2004: Good news! I've decided to regularly update my website once a week as opposed to whenever. So from now on expect brand new GorillaPirate.com content on every Monday from now until the end of forever. This week I wrote a delightful article about grammar, and resident celebrity Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote some crap about fan fiction. See you next monday!


August 19, 2004: As further proof that God has some sort of child-like vendetta against me, probably because he is so jealous of my rugged good looks, this update is a week late because my computer has $130 worth of viruses on it. But in real news, you can now read the brutally funny point/counterpoint on "hacking" by staff columnists Edgar Allen Poe and Nathaniel Hawthorne. Please like me.


August 11, 2004: Hey there! If I know you, and I think we can all agree that I do, then you're probably asking yourself "Why is that orangutan wearing a monocle and a stylish powdered wig? And where did he procure these items?" Well then you're going to want to read the first column by Captain BananaBeard, which is also the first thing on this dumb site that has anything to do with gorilla pirates. Also internet celebrity and new Gorilla Pirate contributor ektomage wrote an ironic rip-off of a mini-series he watched, which is inappropriately titled "An ironic rip-off of a mini-series I watched". Also, I added some new artwork and corrected several spelling and grammatical mistakes in some of the things I already put up. These mistakes are all, of course, things that I would have found had I bothered to read any of the crap I wrote after I wrote it, but of course I am very busy and I can't be bothered with such menial tasks. Up the chain!


August 8, 2004: So apparently the people who sell me the internet are go-tarded, which is why it took so long for me to update this thing. But the good thing is that I now have two things to update with. Both of the two things are columns by American-romantic period author and self-proclaimed Otaku, Nathaniel Hawthorne: "I attend cosplay conventions" and "Anime is better than American cartoons". Also keep checking back, because I plan to make several more updates in the next few days. None of them will be good. Ok bye!


JULY 29, 2004: Somebody actually contributed something, can you believe it? Kon of the world-famous Best Adult Swim Webpage on the Internet wrote a review of an Adult Swim show recently released on DVD. In addition to being informative, it is also a hilarious ruse that nobody will get because you are all probably dense in the head. Also, I finally finished what is probably the weirdest thing I've ever done in my life, the cast of MTV's hit show "Pimp My Ride" going to town on Dick Cheney. Hopefully I'll get sued; then I'll get to meet Xzibit.


JULY 27, 2004: Whaddup ya'll? Here I made some updates to my site, I hope you don't hate them too much. I wrote this article about how funny this one other site is but how stupid a lot of its fans are. I also added three older articles which I wrote for the Advance-Titan; these aren't actually funny or anything, but I just wanted to add them for the sake of adding everything I've written. Also because I didn't want to make an update for just one crappy article. Why don't you try enjoying "Point/Counterpoint: Should Newspapers Run April Fools' Issues?", "Lecture Halls are the PITS", and "About that Xpeditions Place ...". Read them, why don't you?


JULY 23, 2004: Hey remember how I said that there would be a deluge of columns once I figured out how a gorilla pirate would talk? Well that was kind of a lie, because there are two new columns but neither have anything to do with ape pirates. The first is "I do not support big politics :420" by author of the macabre and opium addict Edgar Allen Poe. The second is "Stop talking like space fools!" by Space Bill Cosby, who is like regular Bill Cosby but in space. Up the chain!


JULY 22, 2004: I decided that this website needed a theme song, so I made this (note: you're going to want to turn your computer speakers on and up before you look at it. Otherwise it's not going to make any sense. Well, it won't make any sense anyway, but at least you'll get to hear the music). But I also did something that counts. I wrote a review of the new show "Crossballs." Also expect a deluge of columns in the upcoming days once I figure out how an ape sailor would talk. Ok bye!


JULY 17, 2004: Good news! I have uploaded all the garbage that I have already done (and is thus already old and outdated and irrelevant by now) and have started uploading NEW garbage! First is the first of what will probably be way too many columns by columnist Violently Angry Rasta. This is "Jamaicans are NOT clowns!".


JULY 15, 2004: Hello! How are you doing! My name is Chris Becker, and this is my website! It is filled with stuff that I have written, mostly as a humor columnist for the Advance-Titan. Also there are some pretty pictures too! I have already posted a whole load of crap that I have already done, and expect to see lot's more crap I plan on doing in the future. Have a good day!







The only things I have are my intellectual property and mycollection of plastic souvenir cups from Taco Bell commemorating the release of "Batman Returns."  So if you steal the former well then I might just have to kill himself.  Everything on this site is copyright Chris Becker, except for the pictures I stole and then Photoshopped the crap out of.  If for some bizarre reason you want to reprint any of  bullplop written here, or just want to send me any death threats or marriage proposals, contact Chris Becker at beckec89(at)uwosh(dot)edu.