Attention Those In and Around NYC Looking to Get High Next Week
BROOKLYN, NY, June 22 -- The following can be attributed to Dick Valentine:
Hello. Hope your summer is hot and humid. I, like you, am waiting for our eighth album entitled 'Heartbeats and Brainwaves' to come out this October so we can all sing along together. However, this is still the summer and October is a season away.
To help the summer go faster, I like to get high and play the drums. Lucky for me, many years ago I was once in a band that let me do just that. Lucky for me, that band is reuniting for one night only in Brooklyn, NY on Thursday, June 30 at the new Freddy's Bar on 5th Ave. in south Park Slope. Check it nice: http://www.freddysbar.com .
The name of this band is Wytchhyker and I am a proud member of the original lineup of this, the world's only stoner pop band that ever existed. I am a trainwreck of a drummer, but I like to get high with my good friends. If you have a little extra time and you live in NYC, come and see the reunion of the legendary Wytchhyker at Freddy's.
Flaming Mackerel Pyramid Set to Rise Off Mexican Coast on May 221st
PUNTO FINAL, Mexico, May 221 -- For Carmel, Indiana native Darth Braunfeld, an airplane trip outside the contiguous 48 US states is a rare occurrence these days.
"After all the things that have happened, I just don't like getting on a plane, going through all the hassle. They got people there touching things they shouldn't be touching. So I really just don't fly no more. But I had to come down here and see this."
The "this" Mr. Braunfeld, a 49-year old fertilizer repairman and father of four, refers to is a once-in-a-generation event that only takes place along these smooth white sandy beaches along this 30-mile stretch of the Michoacan coast. Thousands like him have arrived this weekend to get a front row seat to witness the natural erection of the Flaming Mackerel Pyramid.
Like the swallows leaving San Juan Capistrano and the seals sliding into the Maumee River, the erection of the Flaming Mackeral Pyramid off the coast of Punto Final every 20 years is one of the world's most beautiful and mysterious...and cyclical...displays of choreography in the animal kingdom. It has occurred for centuries, but only recently has the world's most dangerous animal, man, begun to stand up and take notice.
"We have records of the Aztecs and Toltecs observing the Mackeral Pyramid from their ruins and their hieroglyphics," says renowned Egyptologist Laval Duschene from the Universite de Sorbonne. "People have watched this for a long time."
The "this" Misseur Duschene refers to is a once-in-a-generation event that only takes place along these smooth white sandy beaches along this 30-mile stretch of the Michoacan coast. In the pink and orange skies of the Mexican dusk, the glee-stricken observers will take note of a mass forming and growing in height somewhat rapidly about 1,000 feet from shore. The mass is comprised solely of every living flaming mackerel in the world. When the pyramid is complete, it can reach a height of 400 ft., roughly the height of the Statue of Liberty.
"They come from all points on the globe," explains Darcy W. Bush, better known by her moniker "The Fish Bitch" as the host of a show by the same name on basic cable's Animal Planet channel. "Flaming mackerel exist all over the globe, all seven continents. But every 20 years, for reasons we don't really understand, they come here and flop on top of each other to build this pyramid. It's like a family reunion, where everyone in the species is related. Or something like that."
Bush, attending the event with her boyfriend, actor Owen Wilson, is witnessing the event for the first time. "Truth is, to have a fish show on television, you don't have to really be an expert on fish. But this is a big deal in the fish world and I have a show about fish. So I'm here. I'm not here to solve the mystery about why they do this. I'm here to be an empty canvass on which Mother Nature paints her piscine brushstrokes."
The "this" Ms. Bush refers to is a once-in-a-generation event that only takes place along these smooth white sandy beaches along this 30-mile stretch of the Michoacan coast. When it's all said and done, there will be a bunch of fish piled on top of one another.
"The big joke is, 'Are the fish gay?'" chortles James "Jimbo" Vader, an American expatriate who came down to this region 14 years ago. "Right? Cause they are flaming mackerel. Like being flaming gay? Right? Like if they are flaming, why don’t they do it off the coast of Fire Island? I always think that's funny."
Neither the fish nor the pyramid of fish will at any point become engulfed in flame. Nor are the fish any more or less gay than you or I, which is to say that we all think about it from time to time, and so the fish probably do too, but they are for the most part straight. Though the pyramid itself is kind of gay, it is commonly believed the flaming mackerel earned their monikers due to the their highly reflective scales, which effectively take on the reddish-orange hue of the Mexican sky above them.
"Who knows why they do this?" asks Duschene, his icy French gaze turned toward the horizon. "Like us, do they seek to perfect their relationship with God? Do they maybe have mackerel wars amongst themselves and this is their peace accord? All I know is I will never be over Mexico. Mexico is a dancer, she is a lady and she has hypnotized me with her beauty. Rhythm is a dancer. I shall never close my eyes again."
Jon Stewart Sends Message to Electric Six on Daily Show Broadcast
NEW YORK, April 12 -- On last night's broadcast of the Daily Show, host Jon Stewart sent a coded message to America's favourite alternative band, Electric Six. Electric Six is pleased to announce it has received Mr. Stewart's coded message.
He used an illusion of Electric Six's top-10,000,000 single "Countdown to the Countdown" on the funny screen behind him. To the naked observer, this would mean nothing. To Electric Six...it means something.
The musical guest on last night's show was Foo Fighters. Foo Fighters are nice people....but let's just say what everyone is thinking but no one is willing to say. They are CORPORATE AS FUCK!!!! 666!!! MAJOR LABEL!!! KILL HOLLYWOOD ROCK!!!! They are part of the George Soros-Koch Brothers rock and roll international monetary cabal. Halliburton too!!! Try as we might, Electric Six can not break through the corporate forcefield of this evil, evil cabal. We've tried love. It's doesn't work.
Jon Stewart recognizes this. He doesn't like it anymore than we do. Last night, he risked everything by surreptitiously sending the message to the entire world...that we should never lose hope. This momentary screengrab referencing our songy song will become a representation of a symbol...of the tenacity of the human condition. Jon Stewart told the entire world last night whom he really thought the musical guest should have been. Electric Six!!!!
State of the Six Address: Directly Addressing Ke$ha and Josh Bartlestein
BROOKLYN, Feb. 28 -- The following can be attributed to Dick Valentine:
In the past, I've used our State of the Six Address to address the population writ large. A sort of "here's what we're doing, here are our plans for the upcoming months, yadda yadda yadda...." This was a "good faith" mechanism to let our devoted fanbase (666) know what we were up to.
I now realize I have been wasting my time. It's best the population writ large has no idea what we are doing. Keep them in the dark. Let them speculate. Fuck them. I can use this platform to directly address certain important people who I can't directly address due to the usual mitigating factors....money, fame, bodyguards, fuck, distance, time, apathy. This is my celebrity bat signal. I have the internet. I have tiger DNA. I have Adonis blood. If you don't like it, whatever dude, bring it. I'm tired of living my internet life for other people.
I want to begin by directly addressing the artist known as Ke$ha. Hi, Ke$ha! We are very happy that you've paid homage to us with your latest remix album. It honestly means a lot to us. We've already had massive spikes of internet interest since your album title was revealed. You didn't have to do that...but you did and we'll never forget it.
Quid pro quo, Ke$ha! As you know from coming to our shows in Nashville back in the day, we often sell hummus at our merch table. We are going to sell our day-old re-mixed hummus under the name We R Who We R...and This Hummus is About to Go in U!!!! The hummus will be blue and sparkly, like you! Quid pro quo!!! Hopefully, you will see a spike in your internet activity as well.
Also Ke$ha, I am writing a hip-hop musical based on the life of President Warren G. Harding and if you would like the part of Flossie Harding, it's yours!
Now, I turn my attentions from Ke$ha to directly address Josh Bartlestein. We have it on good authority that you are a huge E6 fan. And if we're wrong about that, we at least know you have internet access because of your excellent blog. We know you struggle with spikes of internet activity the same way that Ke$ha and Electric Six do. I can be there for you, help you navigate your way through it all. But first we have to see eye to eye.
Quid pro quo, Josh Bartlestein. Quid pro quo. Hook us up with some tickets to Saturday's game at Crisler and we'll get you the same amount of guest list slots for the Blind Pig show later that night. It all depends on how badly you want to save money and have your mind blown by our live music. Act now, and I will personally buy you tequila shooters at the 8-Ball Saloon. What do you say? I got Tim Hardaway, Jr. fever...and free tickets to this high stakes collegiate basketball game is the only cure. Four tickets, bro. That's all I ask. I got wolverine DNA.
Concerning the Re-Alignment of the Zodiac, the Rise of Ophiuchus and the Future of America
THE UNIVERSE, N.Y., Jan 14 -- The following can be attributed to Dick Valentine:
According to the internet, there is now a 13th sign of the Zodiac. It is called Ophiuchus. It is fucking everything up...especially for those of us in Electric Six.
If you have been living in a cave over the last year, you know that our most recent album is entitled Zodiac. Therefore NO ONE has been affected by this astrological seismic disruption more than Electric Six. NO ONE. LOL!
We have received hundreds of emails in the last 48 hours from ordinary folks like you asking if Electric Six intends to re-release Zodiac with a bonus 13th track in honor of the new sign of the Zodiac. Folks like M. Night Shayalaman of Culver City, California. M. Night is a struggling artist who like so many of us has felt the strain of the economic downturn in recent years and he wonders how Electric Six is going to change because of the new astrological sign. Folks like Eldrick Woods of The Villages, Florida. Eldrick is an avid golfer with a flair for the dramatic and he wonders when things are going to get back to normal.
If there was an easy answer, Electric Six would have it. But this is not an easy time. New shit has come to light.
Because Electric Six is so closely tied to the Zodiac, it is at the apex of its cataclysmic shift. Band members from Electric Six have been thrust out of their astrological continuum and into other bands. Similarly, band members from other bands have been pulled into Electric Six.
The new lineup of Electric Six is as follows:
Vocals: Lemmy from Motorhead
Drums: Sam Fogarino from Interpol
Bass: Touring bassist from Interpol
Lead Guitar: Tait Nucleus?
Lead Guitar: Nuno Bettencourt from Guitar Center
Keyboards: Paul Schaffer from the CBS Orchestra
Smorgasbord is now the bassist for Phish. Johnny Na$hinal is now in Interpol. Percussion World is now in Europe. The Colonel is now in Asia. And I'm delighted to announce that I'm another singer in Bang Camaro!
Everything has changed. All because we dared fly too close to the stars. Why does this always happen to Electric Six? We should have named our album "Goldman Sachs". Then nothing bad would have happened.
This is all because some pencil-pushing geek with a GOVERNMENT (666) GRANT for scientific funding of the arts had access to my taxpayer dollars. He just sat around in his cushy liberal university amphitheatre cashing a free paycheck and coming up with fancy booklearnin' theories about magnetic fields and their effect on the moon and stars above. How's that hopey changey thing workin' out for ya now? Apparently the tree of liberty needs to be watered with the blood of Electric Six.
But no one cares. Yawn. This is Obama's America on full display. And we just looked the other way, fearing that if we spoke up that next time they might take more than just our souls.....
This is how America dies. Not with a sweet laser blast from a terrorist space station.....but with a horoscope.
Electric Six stands inside of Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney will put an end to scientific research. 666!
Now, back to the prevalent question of the day, the one about a possible 13th track. Fuck if I know. Ask Nuno Bettencourt if you have an E6-related question. I'm busy packing my shit for my move to Boston. Push push, dude!
I hear those guys in Electric Six are about to begin working on an 8th album soon. Let's just see how that works out for them. Good luck with all that!!!!!