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Beater Archive

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Use the Force, Part II: 1991-96 Chevrolet Caprice

by Raphael Leonard Today’s Beater Review was suggested eons ago by friend of the website, Jonathan. This month’s review is dedicated to the memory of his family’s loyal ’93 Caprice, which recently succumbed to the tin worm. Thanks, Jonathan, and e-mail if you’d like to claim your BeaterReview.com bumper sticker!

The Invisible Man: The 1991-96 Infiniti G20

Sure, the G20 is on the milquetoast side of things when compared to other cheap compact sport sedans of the day. Sure, it isn’t quite as great a performer, or as cool to look at, or whatever. The bottom line is this: It is a fun to drive, reliable little Japanese box, without the “oh-my-god-it’s-a-Toyota-let-me-empty-my-pockets” price tag. And that, my good beater aficionados, is the very thing that makes the Infiniti G20, or any good beater, noteworthy in the first place.

Wreckerbait: Plymouth Plasti-Van

Have you ever had one of those days? It’s pouring rain, it’s the end of the work day, and one of those dorks from accounting pops your cubicle and says, “Um, Joe?

Flying Brick: 1993-97 Volvo 850

Gather round children, and I’ll tell you the story of a mysterious and distant time long ago. A time called the early 90s, when Honda still had the ability to make minor miscalculations. You see, back before Honda and rival Toyota were the supreme overlords of automobile sales, they still made the occasional misstep. While this wasn’t a common occurrence, it certainly happened more than once, and was more often than not a result of JDM vehicles not being cushy enough for American tastes. One such misstep is known as the Acura Vigor.

Acura’s Well Kept Secret: 1992-94 Acura Vigor

Gather round children, and I’ll tell you the story of a mysterious and distant time long ago. A time called the early 90s, when Honda still had the ability to make minor miscalculations. You see, back before Honda and rival Toyota were the supreme overlords of automobile sales, they still made the occasional misstep. While this wasn’t a common occurrence, it certainly happened more than once, and was more often than not a result of JDM vehicles not being cushy enough for American tastes. One such misstep is known as the Acura Vigor.

Almost Infamous: 1984-91 Isuzu Trooper

Ask your average American what they think of Isuzus, and more often than not you will get a noncommittal “meh.” Pressed, your average Joe will recall some controversy surrounding a certain sport utility and a failed rollover test. Yes, in later, post-Trooper years, Isuzu of America was shamed to the point of making unmemorable badge-engineered GM products for profits. When the tired shell of the once popular automaker finally called it quits in the US of A, there was no remorse, nor was there fanfare. The tired branch of the company simply left the party through the bathroom window rather than return to the punchbowl and the likes of Honda and Toyota.

Do you Subaru?:1995-99 Subaru Outback

Before Subaru introduced the B9 Tribeca, with its 7-passenger capacity and “flying vagina” style grille, the idea of a Subaru SUV was akin to that of a coal-powered hovercraft. That’s why, in 1994, Subaru conceived the idea of the all-wheel-drive Outback wagon to compete with the increasingly popular 4x4s of the day. The idea was an enormous success, leading to a huge boost in Subaru popularity and production of similar all-wheel-drive station wagons by competing brands.

Rabbit Ragtops for a-Dime-a-Dozen: 1979-93 Volkswagen Cabriolet

Consider the Volkswagen Cabriolet. Based on the proven platform that was used by the Golf, Jetta and Rabbit, the Cabbie can be likened to a four-seater Miata. Though it lacks the Mazda’s raw, racecar-like driving feel, its ability to carry more than one friend more than makes up for it. Combine that with the excellent gas mileage, sporty (but not GTI level) suspension, and surprising practicality that comes with owning one, and you end up with a cult classic, which these vehicles are slowly but steadily becoming.

Steady as an Old Boot: 1986-91 Jeep Grand Wagoneer

Looking at today’s luxury SUVs makes you wonder where they’re all going to end up in a decade or two. While your Escalade might be cool today, what will become of it in 20 years when all of its techy gadgets break, and it’s sitting on space-saver-spares instead of 24s? Is it possible that the once rugged Yukons, Land Cruisers, and H2s of the world will be considered classics, or will they litter wrecking yards as lowly Mk 2 Jettas and fecal brown Ford Escorts currently do?

Bloated British Beater: 1988-94 Jaguar XJ6

Should you happen to be a down-and-out investor turned bankrupt wannabe, a filthy British slumlord, or a low-end temp worker that needs the boost of owning a luxury car, there is no better vehicle to suit your needs than the love-it-or-hate-it 1988-94 Jaguar XJ6.

Nicknamed “Project XJ40” when Jaguar conceived the idea to revamp their aging saloon in the 1970s, the sleek new sedan was Jag’s answer to the sportier and more modern vehicles being offered by BMW and Mercedes-Benz. Sadly, when the revolutionary new luxo-sedan premiered, many Jag purists revolted against the boxy beauty, citing the decidedly un-curvy styling and the corner-cutting assembly of the beasts (though this should have been no new news to them).

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