The Secret Doctrine of the Holy Fuck
It was February 5, 1965, three days after my twenty-seventh
birthday and I was in a little town called Rocky Mountain House. I rode the Greyhound up there from Edmonton once a month to teach an oil painting class for Alberta Culture. The ladies and I had drank pots of coffee during the evening class.
Later, lying in an unfamiliar bed, in the Mountain View Hotel, sleep didn't come. After hours, my mind was in the twilight. But, instead of falling asleep, I slipped into a totally unexpected dimension.
Suddenly, I was soaring upwards at tremendous speed. There was a rushing sound around me which was revving up with great intensity, like a jet ascending into the sky. It was like a tornado, it's power could not be resisted. It was like a raging
fire, an unforgettable sound. The color orange was all around me, vivid and beautifully transparent like the orange one sees when looking at a bright light through closed eyelids.
Above was a white light which was beyond description and beyond question. As the sound wound up to a peak of intensity, I thought I was dying. My body felt bound due to this trance-like state and I felt fear. Taking courage I surrendered myself with a wordless plea, "Oh lord, take me."
Immediately, I was drawn up into the light and dissolved into pieces of yellow. I became one with the light. For an eternal moment, I rested there in a state of unspeakable oneness and sacredness. When the soul meets her maker she does not have to be told whom she is beholding. I was inflamed by ecstasy, which was like an orgasm in heaven.
The Man and Woman inside of me drowned in each other in love. My body was snatched by celestial oneness and ManWoman was born. This abyss, this secret place was full of love. I often refer to this moment of enlightenment as the Secret Doctrine of the Holy Fuck.
Slowly, as I became conscious in the world. I fell to the floor grieving over my wretched, conditioned self. I could have embraced my divinity but I was much too frightened to accept the unconditional love within me. I was terrified of dying as the eternal embraced my soul. My feelings of unworthiness kept me from going home to eternity permanently and accepting my oneness with god, the god who stands behind all the gods and goddesses.