All Rise...

Judge David Johnson has run out of anaconda-related witticisms.

The Charge

Really? Four?!

Opening Statement

That's right, apparently, this franchise still has legs, so to speak. What's in store for you this go-around? The usual: a large, computer-generated snake and cleavage.

Facts of the Case

Here we go: the newest ridiculous genetic-experiment-that-results-in-the-creation-of-a-homicidal-snake involves regeneration or something. I suppose it's for cancer research or whatever else you would need to regenerate, like maybe a thyroid or a ruptured spleen. Anywho, the trade-off for these medical miracles is painful, reptilian death.

Another huge snake is on the prowl and, worse, this one can heal from its wounds with startling efficiency. Led by Amanda (Crystal Allen), a herpetologist (their words), a group of scientists embarks on a mission to destroy the snake. Meanwhile, a group of mercenaries has been dispatched to, I don't know, be dicks and get eaten by the snake.

The Evidence

If you like watching good movies, don't watch Anacondas: Trail of Blood. Your time will be better utilized picking up litter from the breakdown lanes of dangerous interstates. Or maybe you can start a non-profit organization that provides blankets for needy guinea pigs in third-world countries. Perhaps you could invest the 88 minutes into starting that novel of futuristic robots competing in a hot dog eating contest you've been toying with for so long.

The major disappointment with this thing is the hugely boring nature of it all. When I'm promised giant mutant snake mayhem, I want it, even if it is lamely rendered with an entry-level computer imaging program. For a major portion of the film, you're going to have to endure a lot of snakeless action. If that's not enough to sound the death knell for this claptrap how about this: perennial crap creature feature actors Linden Ashby and John Rhys-Davies are in this movie. That's right, what has become the most dependable way to filter out the worthless straight-to-DVD excursions from the tolerable ones is to see if these guys are in it. Fellahs, I got a kick out of you in Mortal Kombat and The Lord of the Rings but at some point you just need to be stricter about the sources of your paychecks.

Back to the movie—well, actually, I lost interest in talking about this movie. Just know that it moves excruciatingly slow until the final twenty minutes when the humongous snake slithers around in its low-res CGI glory and eats a dude here and there. The action set-piece that caps it all is one of the phonier looking blue screen car chases I've seen in the modern filmmaking age.

Your DVD, should you choose to accept it: a serviceable 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen, handful of 5.1 audio tracks (English, Spanish, Portuguese, Thai) and no extras.

Closing Statement

You know what I want to regenerate? The last 90 minutes of my life.

The Verdict

Guilty. I can't shake this queasy feeling that we haven't seen the last of this anaconda, plural or otherwise.

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