What kind of flowers are those grandpa?  Why is mommy chewing on them?

Afghanistan is a disaster.  Raise your hand if you disagree!  Put your hands down idiots … it's clearly a disaster.  First the Soviets, then the Taliban, and now this thing that we've done (way to go us). 

We are trying to use tricked out assault rifles and smart bombs to prove to them that they should love freedom and democracy … but it's not working … and it's not going to work.  To explain why this is so … let's use math … or something kind of like math … let's just call it numbers so that no one will be too intimidated.  You know what numbers are right?  Good.  Then we shall continue.

Numbers Provided by the CIA (they're never wrong)

• Afghanistan's GDP (PPP) =  $22 Billion
• Percentage of GDP from Opium Production = 33% (CIA estimate ), 52% (The Economists estimate)
• Government's Yearly Budget = $350 Million

I'll use The Economist's estimate because they obviously have better researchers then the CIA (all of them can at least read).

• Afghanistan's Opium Industry (PPP) = $11 Billion

Jesus H.  That's a lot of fucking money.  I gots to get into farming!

Big deal says you.  Set all that shit on fire … and then it will be 0% of GDP … problem solved … long live freedom.  Good thinking … you should run for Congress … that's sure to work like charm. 

To illustrate the actual size of this problem, let's use economic figures from our own country.  In this example we will imagine that some industry makes up 52% of our GDP.  Let's say Blueberry Pancakes .

• US GDP (PPP) = $13 trillion
• U.S. Blueberry Pancake Industry = $6.5 trillion
• Government's Yearly Budget = $2 trillion

Now, after years of making the rest of the world fat and ugly, the UN decides that Blueberry Pancakes are illegal.  Bummer.  Oh well, I guess we'll just stop making them. 

The industry objects of course.  They say they will never stop making pancakes.  That's fine … just fine.  We'll force them to do it.  OOPS.  That's going to be kind of a tough one.  See they have three times as much money as the government does, and there isn't any electoral check on what they do with said money.  With $6.5 trillion you can basically buy off the whole mid-west, set up your own army, get yourself some nuclear weapons, close off your new borders (and actually keep people out), destroy Ohio just for fun, and still have enough for a huge Blueberry Pancake Christmas Party.

Dang.  What a sticky wicket we've got ourselves into.  A huge civil war erupts over pancakes … and the ironic thing is … we don't even like pancakes.  Europe consumes almost all of them.  Three years into our civil war we get a letter from France.

Dear America,

Please stop producing Blueberry Pancakes.  Our people can't stop consuming them, and this we blame on your production of them.  It makes sense if you don't think about it for too long … so don't.  Just stop producing them.  

Yours Pretentiously,

France

P.S.  We are totally jealous of you and everything you do.

Oh no.  A letter from a foreign country making demands.  What should we do? 

Answer:  Nothing.  Unless that letter happens to come with $5 trillion to make up for the fact that the Blueberry Pancake Bastard Brigade is the most powerful force in the entire hemisphere. 

If someone, or something, makes up 52% of GDP … then they will do whatever they want …. Forever.

The solution is so obvious that it's nauseating.  Grow the opium in Kansas.  Control and tax its distribution.  Limit the marketing of the product to zero.  Totally eliminate the global black market for opium in a matter of weeks.

Suddenly all of these douche bag "Warlords" are back to just being, "Guys with Smelly Hair."  Suddenly the 350 million dollar budget of the Afghan government is making them look pretty damn powerful. 

Junkies or Terrorists?

Vote Junkies in 2008

Junkies … cause we got um anyway

One of the cool things about blogging is that you can see how people get to your site (from a link, or a search engine, or by clicking on the nude picture of yourself licking a turtle that you put up on turtlefetish.org as a way of “advertising” your site).  If they come via one of the search engines, then you can see the search term that brought them to you.  Here’s the top three things that bring people to the RobotTaco.

     SEX SEX SEX

RobotTaco could conceivably be a euphemism for a previously unavailable form of vagina, and if there is one thing the internet is good for, it’s the distribution of vagina photography.  Popular searches include:   

            brown taco

            dirty taco

            dirty little taco

            taco hats

            free sexy little taco pics

            girls tacos

            taco daddy

 
I wrote a post about a piece of soap I have that is shaped like penis.  The word penis turns out to be a huge draw (what a shock!).  Do a google search right now for “PENIS” and see how many pages into the search you have to go before my blog post about a soap penis comes up (schedule some time off work for this project, because it will likely take you several months to complete).  

            penis soap

            naked penis

            new penis

            prosthetic penis (yikes … I thought I was making that up)

            robot penis (again … yikes)

            penis

 
Some other sexual beauties include:

            robot sex girls

            mexican girl blow jobs

            pretty virgins

            virgin pics

Well … I apologize to everyone who came to the RobotTaco looking for masturbatory opportunities and found none.  Perhaps next week I’ll post a photo of one of my nipples, and you can use that.

     Disconnected From Xbox Live

I’m not the only one with Xbox Live connection issues apparently.  Lots of people end up here after searching things like:

            getting disconnected from xbox live all the time

            ethernet to xbox 360 problems

            losing connection when i get a corner on xbox live

            why do i keep getting disconnected from xbox live

            keep getting disconnected is there something wrong with my modem?

            how do I connect my xbox 360 to my media center when ethernet port is taken up with internet connection?

First, let me just point out (and this an awkward thing to have to say to fellow gamers) that you can’t ask google a question.  It’s not a person, and it doesn’t actually speak English.   Searches need not include a subject, a predicate, a noun, a verb, a possessive pronoun, conjunctions and punctuation.

Second, I feel the pain and anger in your key strokes people.  Why does xbox support have to be so god damn worthless?  And why is it so fucking unpossible to stay connected to Live?

Good Questions … However, I have recently purchased stock in Microsoft (MSFT) so I’ll have to ask you to refrain from implying that Microsoft ever does anything wrong.  Clearly it does not … you are just too stupid to operate your own equipment.  If you weren’t such a whiney-mac-whiney-pants then maybe you would be able to stay connected.  The network hates cry babies … and until you learn to shut up, you’ll never be allowed to stay connected.  

Along with running the most problem free, and user friendly game network in the universe, Microsoft also:

 ·        will be winning this round of the console wars

·        has a very low valuation considering its monopoly and obese pile of cash

·        has recently discovered a cure for AIDS

·        has found a way to reverse aging for $500 (at a 67% profit margin)

·        has discovered that its Redmond campus was built on top of 2 billion barrels of oil

ALL TOTALLY TRUE!!!  Tell your friends (especially if they work at Fidelity).

     Hatred of Mexicans

Beating out both sex and the xbox (by a very wide margin) for most popular search terms are these heart-warming nuggets:

            mexicans suck

            fuck mexicans

            fucking illegal mexicans

            hate mexicans

            mexicans suck good quotes

            fuck all mexicans

            mexicans are stupid

            fucking mexican girls

            why mexicans suck at everything

Nice.

 
I guess I brought this on myself by titling one of my past posts Mexicans Suck .  I find myself a bit surprised that I’ve yet to see a comment from a single one of these official Mexican haters.

 
What’s up Mexican Haters?  Where’s all of your spunk?  Why would you search for something like “fuck mexicans” or “i hate Mexicans,” and then tuck your tail between your butt cheeks and run away when you find the counter opinion.  There was a time in this country when a racist would have had the stones to stand up and be heard.

 
Well I’m saying this:

MEXICANS DON’T SUCK

In fact, they’re awesome.  Suck that.  Care to make a counter point you racist half-whit twits, or you just don’t have the balls for that?  Where is your pride?  All those years of inbreeding must have given your types a case of permanent vaginitis .

 
I weep for your weakness … and until I get some sort of racist rant in my comments … I declare all racists to be fearful-little-kitten-vaginas (FLKV’s). 

If you want to have a popular blog … there are a few easy rules you should follow:

• Focus – write about a narrow range of topics (and proclaim yourself to be the absolute authority on all of them).

• Read other blogs, and link to them often. Go out of your way to link to the most popular blogs, even if you think they suck and are not all that interested in what they have to say. All you really care about is yourself … and how one day you'll attain the fame and notoriety you surely deserve … linking to them might make some of their readers transfer all of their love to you and your riveting fucking opinion. It's better if don't say anything to substantive when linking … it's the link that matters, not what you say about it. Here's how it's done:

• Post every day. Don't take days off for Lent , or Passover , or Ramadan , or Christmas , or because you just found out that your mistress is pregnant with twins.

However, if you want to have fun blogging … then follow Caustic's Rules for Happy Blogging:

1. Don't Focus – Focusing is wicked boring. Write about anything that comes to mind while you're on the toilet or in the shower. The less you know about the subject the better. If you don't know the answer … then you can't know that you're wrong … and thus, you are right.

2. Claim to be an expert in all areas … and take offense if anyone tries to question your authorita.

3. Don't link to blogs that have anything in common with your blog. Do link to blogs where the author and all of the readership are sure to hate you and everything you say. Sure this won't generate any new readers for you … but at least you can sleep at night knowing that you're not a whore .

4. Post every day … sometimes … and other times don't post for months … then reappear and post like 5 posts in two days … then complain to all your friends about how they never read your blog and never support you in anything you do (tears will make this more convincing).

5. Make sure that at least 15% of all posts are apologies for not having posted recently … because who's not interested in that?

6. Use decidedly inappropriate amounts of profanity (Translation: fucking swear a fucking lot). Because swearing is really, really, fun.

I hope you have enjoyed this post my dear, dear, reader. I apologize for not having posted recently … please join me again next month for another high-larious apology for not posting post.

Four goals in three games today.  Now that is the type of international soccer I’ve grown accustom too.  Not too exciting … but not quite boring enough for a pleasant mid game nap.

A couple of tips for the announcers that Disney has hired to call the games (I know it must be hard to talk about a sport you know nothing about for 90 minutes): 

1. It’s David Beckham … not Michael Beckham.  Honest mistake … I mean who’s ever heard of David Beckham anyway?
2. Soccer fans don’t usually refer to own goals as, “lightning strikes.”  They’re more like “happy accidents” or “lucky strikes” (government warning: Lucky Strikes will give you cancer and kill your baby).
3. You don’t have to fill every fucking moment with idle chatter and useless opinion.  Just say who has the ball, and which way it looks like it might roll next.  I’ll decide who needs to “step it up” and who doesn’t. 

Let me fill you in on a little secret American Television Honchos:  The reason most athletes have degrees in “Communications” isn’t that they are good communicators.  They just didn’t want to read James Joyce , memorize the Krebs cycle , or work with imaginary numbers . 

 
“Take the microphone away from your mouth sir … all that stupidity is going to hurt someone.”

 England 1 :  Paraguay 0

 My first World Cup game in HD.  Had to get up at 8 o’shock in the morning to watch it, and then it was a bit of a bore.  But HD pictures are so beautiful that it really didn’t matter to me.  Who knew Wayne Rooney had so many freckles.  I definitely wanted to slap him in his red face just for fun.  After the three shades of death he turned when he injured his foot, I am totally shocked to see him with shoes on … no less running around. 

                                                                                                                   Freckle Power.

You are obviously going to have to do better than that England.  But I still believe in you.

Trinidad and Tobago 0 :  Sweden 0

Sweden fields all white boys.  Not really a surprise.  No one with skin tone darker than “totally pastey pale white ass white,” wants to get within 200 miles of Sweden’s icky weather and strangely pickled foods.  T&T throws out all blacks (also no real surprise), with one strange little white boy who looks scared and alone.  I have this urge to give him a hug and tell him it’s going to be ok … then slap him in the face and tell him he’s doomed. 

Way to fight it out Trinidad.  Down a man, against a way better team … it was lucky, but I’m still impressed.

Argentina 2 :  Ivory Coast 1

Best game of the day.  Both of these teams rock.  It reminds me of that famous war between the two countries: 

The Great War of Irrelevant Futility: Here’s what happened in case you’re not a fan of history

• The two countries agreed to meet in Miami to fight out a long running series of disputes they were having over dirt and corn flour.
• They lined up man-to-man ready for a slaughter.
• Right before the bloodshed was set to commence the IMF and World Bank showed up and seized all of Argentina’s weapons.  Apparently they hadn’t paid for anything in 50 years.  They were surprised to learn that just printing more money didn’t really mean they had more money.  Economics is such a bitch. 
• Many of the Argentineans began to sob uncontrollably.  Surely they would now be slaughtered by this tiny African fiefdom.  “Oh The Humanity!!!!!” and “Mommy!!!!!” could be heard ringing out all the way to Tampa.
• However, while Argentina was busy making excuses to the bankers (American Imperialism), a fight broke out amongst the Ivorian’s about who would get to be Senior Minister of Blood Baths and Anti-Corruption (a very prestigious position apparently).  By the time the World Bank was done collecting all the Argentinean’s boots, most of the Ivorians were dead in a heap.  Only three warlords remained standing … and they were too busy gathering up harems and denying wrong doing to bother with Argentina.
• Then the UN showed up to help funnel American money (meant to aid the families of the dead Ivorian’s and buy new boots for the Argentineans) to fat white farmers in France.

This game was kind of like that.  Only with less blood and bankers … and more Didier Drogba … who happens to be the king of awesome town.  

Don’t give up Cote d’Ivoire. 

 

Well day one of the world’s coolest sporting event is over … and despite the fact that Germany won … it was a pretty sweet start to what will hopefully be a great month in the Forth Reich (aka The Banal Empire of Unemployment).

 
Eight goals in two games is like an orgy in soccer terms.  I hope the final 62 games follow suit.  The last Euro Cup had only eight goals total for the entire tournament (which was won painfully by the boring Greeks who drew nil-nil or won 1-nil in what seemed like 1348 straight games.  Holy fucking snore-fest)  

Germany 4 : Costa Rica 2

Germany started 11 white people.  Hmmm.  I wonder why that is??  Could it be that they attempted to exterminate all non-white people?  The answer is yes … yes they sure did.  To bad Israel isn’t at the finals.  How sweet would it have been to watch a bunch of Jews put the Germans out of the cup in Berlin?  There would have been riots in one of the most densely populated neighborhoods in Hell (Nazi-ville … a beautiful burning town filled with Germans who committed suicide rather than own-up to what they had done … Rudy Maxa recommends visiting in the spring or fall when the smell of bigotry and shame are less overwhelming).

 
I’m proud of Costa Rica for scoring two.  Good job fellas.  Costa Rica … isn’t that just a territory of the United States??  Good question, but no, that’s Puerto Rico.  Costa Rica is its own “country”.  They won’t be winning the World Cup … but way to bring a mini embarrassment upon the Germans.

Ecuador 2 :  Poland 0

Pretty pathetic game for the Poles.  I say they are already out.  However I am still really, really, really, really rooting for them in the Germany v. Poland rematch.  I know it was a long time ago, but Germany v. Poland was once the beginning of something very, very bad.  Here’s hoping that the Poles win this time (and that if they don’t win the rest of the world decides to do something about it before things turn really ugly).

Here is the order of my team bias (in the interest of full disclosure … which no one is interested in):

1. America – god damn right.  I love you America.
2. England – our philosophical mother country.  Sure we’re way more beautiful than her now … but we still owe her much … and you can’t just leave your Mom for dead.  Also, they actually have a chance of winning (sorry America) and I like to root for winners.
3. America – fuck yeah.  I’m rooting for us twice.
4. not-Germany – Anyone playing the Germans is my favorite team for 90 minutes.
5. Australia – England’s other illegitimate love child … and our half sister.  I appreciate the active role she takes in trying to keep the peace in Asia.  Keep it up Aussies … and good luck Harry Kewel … you’re due boss.
6. New-Europe Teams (eastern) – they’ve had a rough go of it … and I’d like to see some joy for the poor bastards.  With the exception of Serbia … for obvious genocidal reasons.
7. Western Hemisphere Teams – shout out to my half of the globe … and to the Monroe Doctrine.
8. Africa – what a fucking nightmare.
9. Old Europe (aka New Socialist Europe) – I have nothing but contempt for you boring, old, group thinking, anti-globalization, repress your neighbors, farm subsidy loving bitches.  Suck it.
10. not-Iran – enough said.

Remember during the 2000 presidential elections when the idiots on the cable news channels couldn’t stop running at the mouth about “soccer moms ” (a made-up term which served to elucidate nothing)?  God damn … that was so annoying.  I hate you CNN.  Don’t watch cable news, it’s worse than bad, it will actually make you stupider (no easy feat because we’re starting at a pretty stupid baseline.)

Unfortunately it was also the absolute height of popularity for soccer in America.  Soccer got a mention on TV every day for 6 months.  Sure they were actually talking about people with vaginas and active uteri, driving mini-vans, and delivering the presidency to Al Gore (oops), but still at least the word “soccer” was getting some play.  In a non-soccer-mom year you are more likely to hear about a new breed of deer tick then about the world’s most popular game.  Now is the perfect time to change that America.  Here’s my appeal to my countrymen.  Come on bitches … we gots all the soccer moms we need … we need some god damn soccer fans.  Maybe they’ll be more helpful to poor Al Gore.

We are the coolest country.  Everyone worth anything wants to leave (insert name of shit hole country) and come here.  We have the best economic system, the sweetest military, the best rock-n-roll, the best scientists, the best whatever.  You disagree??  Of course you don’t.  Even the French know we are the best, that’s why they are so sad and angry. 

If you are the best, then you need to prove that you are the best.  What good is being the best if no one is jealous about it?  No good at all … it’s like being a Buddhist … too boring (I need the heaven/hell dichotomy for motivation).  Here’s a couple ways we could prove it:

• Pick a couple of puny little countries and use the near supernatural power of our military to blast the crap out of them.  (Pretty good I guess … BUT … some of the other developed countries may think they could do the same thing if they wanted, and that they are actually better than us because they showed restraint.)
• Pick a couple of medium size countries to kick the crap out of …. hmm who should we start with ….. wait for it …. wait for it …. France.  (Love this idea … but I don’t think it would go down all that well globally.  We want to be the best, and the most popular, so that we will always be elected Prom Queen.)
• We could buy up the entire world supply of elicit drugs and prostitutes and then throw the most obscene party since the Pax Romana .  (Do you like that idea Dr. Dobson ?  You’re a total pervert right?)
• We could start caring about soccer … and then kick the ever living shit out of the rest of the world.

Soccer has all the elements of our other major sports (drug use, wife beating, winning, losing, temper tantrums, fights, glory, shame, and streakers).  But it has the added benefit of being the sole pass time for the rest of the pathetic globe.   If America devoted the same amount of passion and money to soccer as it does to its other sports, then we would always challenge for the World Cup.  That would bring so much misery to the rest of the world … I just don’t see how we can pass on the opportunity. 

We’ve got a lot going for us if only we cared:

• We got lots of money.  Rephrase – we have all the money.  The dollar is the international currency.  We don’t even have any foreign reserves … we don’t need any because we have so many fucking dollars, and you just can’t do better then that (no offense to the peso … I'm sure it's lovely this time of year).
• We have plenty of black people.  In case you hadn’t noticed … or thought it was racist to notice … some of them are sweet-ass runners.  But not in that scrawny and strange looking Kenyan way.  Instead, African-Americans are all mixed up hybrids of different kinds of Africans and different kinds of Americans.  They will kick the shit out of you Germany … I guarantee it.  It’ll be Jesse Owens all over again you Aryan pigs. 
• We also have lots of Brazilians, and Italians, and Spaniards, and Mexicans, and Dutchmen, and Englishmen, and Irishmen etc.  You name um, we’ve got um.  And better still we’ve got hybrids of their best ones (the ones smart enough to leave and come here) all mixed up in our big bag of American genetic goo.  You just can’t beat the athletes that our “have sex with whoever you want” culture produces.  

Nothing would damage the psyche of the rest of the world like America winning the World Cup.  I think entire nations would commit ritualistic suicide.  I love baseball, and football, and basketball.  But those are our games.  Let’s start caring about the game the rest of world cares about … if only to watch, and laugh, as they all squirm and suffer when we kick their asses at it (which is the greatest American sport of all).

Hey Abu Musab al-Zarqawi … you’ve just won 1000 lbs of American FUCK YOU.  Thanks for playing, “How Long Can You Be A Pain in the Ass?” … you did pretty dang well, but we have decided to vote you off with an explosion and a huge fire.  You should have got some fake tits and puffy lips … it would have made you far more popular.

Your last music video was a huge flop.  Most avid viewers felt that your “I’m a big scary terrorist” image was a lot more marketable than your newer, “How the fuck do I load this Assault Rifle?” persona.  Ask any decent publicist … once “poser” sneaks out of someone’s lips … you’re finished.

I guess you didn’t really need to have a loaded gun to resist the Soviets.  It’s easy to be a “hero” when you’re fighting the most inept world power in all of recorded history (thanks for nothing Russia).  The ladies rotary club of Kansas City could repel a Russian attack using only yarn and Tupperware.

Remember back in the day, right after we had “Accomplished” our “Mission”, when you chopped off Nicholas Berg’s head?  Well I do, and I hope that the Universe does too.  There must be a special place reserved just for you in a lonely black-hole somewhere.  I’m quite sure that you are drowning in an infinite exponent of all the blood and sorrow that you have sown. So shall you reap mother fucker …

I hope that we bury you somewhere in the States … in the middle of a field where cows, pigs, gays, jews, christians, scientologists, and liberated braless women are free to take a crap on your grave … the grave of an inhuman, disgusting, god hating, coward, poser bastard.

GAME OVER

I spent a little time with my old socialist friend Amtrak this passed week.  It was such a wonderful experience I thought I better blog a tribute.  So here it is:

I traveled from Chicago (the best city in the country) to Flint (not the best in any category).  Yeah, that’s right … I said Flint.  If you are saying to yourself, “isn’t that where that fat fuck Michael Moore comes from?” … then you are correct … but it is quite rude of you to refer to such an intellectual giant in such a superficial fashion.  Sure he’s a huge tub of judgmental lard, but he doesn’t like Bush, so that makes him right about everything else … who cares that he’s an idiot who does less research than MSNBC.

The train rolled into Flint at about 11pm, a mere two hours after it was scheduled to arrive.  If you have ever taken Amtrak, then you know that two hours late on a six hour trip is a kind of small miracle.  So praise be to Jesus … maybe taking the train wasn’t such an insane idea after all. 

As long as we’re spending some time in Flint , let’s take just a moment and rip GM a new one shall we: 

• The train passes a couple of huge GM/Delphi plants on the way into town.  What the hell are you still doing in Flint GM?  Drowning your company in UAW misery that’s what. 
• GM was one of our countries best companies.  We dominated the auto industry for years, and now you are going to go bankrupt.  Why??  How could you let that happen to us? 
• Fighting the union was the job of management.  You didn’t do your fucking job.  Toyota says thank you.  Idiots.  You are lazy, slothful, no-good bastards.  It’s not the union’s fault that they demanded unreasonable wages, pensions, and health care.  That’s exactly what unions do.  They have to continually justify their existence by making demands (so that they can keep funneling money to the mob and the Democrats) .  You could have put up a fight … moved plants to Mexico and Tennessee in the 1980’s.  Closed down all United Auto Worker plants that refused to cave in (like Wal-Mart does).  But oh no.  “Times are good” says you … “they will always be good.”
• Oops.  Goodbye GM … Goodbye Flint … Goodbye Michigan … Hope you enjoyed the ride.  Have fun slamming into the brick wall of reality.  Here's hoping the government doesn't bail you out … you don't deserve it. 

The return trip was from Waterloo, Indiana back to my beloved Chicago (especially beloved after spending a couple of days in Michigan).  Just a three hour ride … no problem.  I anticipate smooth sailing because I am departing from Waterloo, which reminds me of a humiliating defeat suffered by the loathsome French (a shout out to the Duke of Wellington ).

Here’s how she went: 

• The train shows up two hours late.
• I am seated next to an enormous Big Momma wearing a zebra striped pant suit (you could play some serious backgammon on her ass).  She pulls out this huge purse.  I watch as she opens this cavernous thing … and pulls out another purse.  Nesting purses  … god help us all.  Out of the second purse she produces an old school brick of a cell phone, and her overloaded “black book” (full of phone numbers and expired coupons for cat food).   She then starts going down the list, calling everyone she knows … alphabetically.  This is the point where I kill myself … but I am saved by my iPod and Sunset Rubdown .  Thanks Steve Jobs.    
• The air conditioner is locked on high.  It’s artic levels of frigid.  I didn’t bring my coat because I wasn’t aware that I was going to be riding in the refrigeration car.  Some lucky immigrants are traveling with everything they own (except their chickens) and pull out blankets.  I am suffering … and coveting. 
• The train is only moving at half speed.  The conductor (or whatever you call a train driver) keeps making loud speaker announcements about it.  He knows it scandalous that we are moving so slowly … but “freight trains have priority”.  This is an excuse I hear every time I get on an Amtrak train.  Let me just say this:  I DON’T GIVE A RAT FUCK.  Just get this rust heap moving.  Save your bureaucratic excuses for your congressional hearings.  A real company would spend less time complaining, and lay down some new track.  In my mind traveling human beings shouldn’t have to wait for cold-rolled steel and surplus corn.
• The train arrives in Chicago four frigid fucking hours late.

Hidden Life Lesson – The government can’t do anything right.  If you were surprised that FEMA fucked up the Katrina aftermath … then you have never taken a trip with Amtrak.  They have yet to master a “technology” that is two centuries old.  

Next time I have to go to Flint (please God let it be never) I’m taking the stagecoach.

I understand that many of the posts in this blog have been offensive to Frenchmen.  I do hate France rather vigorously, and I just don’t see that trend tailing off anytime in the near future.  France’s existence has been bad for everyone … always.  You just can’t say that about many countries with a straight face.  I hate to do it (no I don’t) but here’s another anti-French list:

• They were the driving force behind the absurd imperialistic “map drawing” in the Middle East after WWI.
• They were cashing in on the Oil for Food program.
• They were pathetic in both World Wars.
• They continue to hold Europe, and thus the whole global economy, back with their agitation for backward policies that were washed up a hundred years ago.
• During the build up to the war Jacques Chirac told the old eastern block countries that, “now would be a good time for you to prove your ability to remain silent.”  Why?  Because France is so much more important and worthy to speak for Europe then Poland is.  Fucking ass hole.  They’ve been silenced for the past 100 years by one shit bag after another.  They should speak, they deserve to speak, and they will speak.  You stick a sock in it Frenchy.  

However, I would like to go on record as excluding this man from all taunts, jibes, slurs, or otherwise derogatory comments aimed at French people.

Giving a little good-bye kiss to the turf at Highbury, in the very last game at the 100 year old stadium, after he scored an epic (fucking epic even) hat-trick to ensure Arsenal’s place in the Champions League next year (phew).

The best player in the world (easily), in the best league in world (easily), playing for one of the sweetest teams in the world (easily). 

Please don’t go to Barcelona ….  PLEASE.  Why would you do it??  They are so racist in Spain … they spend most of the game rolling around on the ground  … they have a socialist government … they speak Spanish (which is fine but you just learned English).

The point is this Thierry Henry:

I can’t say for sure whether or not you are some sort of Greek God, but I know this … YOU SIR, ARE NO FUCKING FRENCHMAN.

Name one of the 9/11 high-jackers … go ahead … name one!  I’ll bet you can’t do it.  I sure as hell can’t, and I know shit about shit.  Fact is, the only “high-jacker” whose name I know, is the one who wasn’t there.  Why should we know their names??  They don’t matter.  They are just a symptom of the bigger problem.  I don’t remember the individual boogers from the last time I had the bird-flu either, I just remember how generally shitty I felt, and how it was all China’s fault.  Same deal here.  We’re not going to put their names up on plaques at ground zero so that we can all walk past and spit on them (although that’s a pretty sweet idea).  They fucked us, but not nearly hard enough.  Let’s remember the sin, but forget about the sinners.

I know Moussaoui’s name because he didn’t get on one of those planes that morning, so he lived, and then got sucked up into our spectacle machine (move over generic blonde girls with huge tits, you’re taking up all the room in here).  Like most other Frenchmen, he turned out to be all talk, no action, and plenty of smug attitude about it afterward.

“Down with America.  Jihad upon the great Satan.  Fatwa against Applebee’s .  Wait … you want me to do what???  Ummmmm … that actually sounds kind of frightening.  I guess I never mentioned to you guys that I’m super afraid of heights.  I’ll wait back here in the trenches, you fellas let me know how it turns out.”

Then he pleads guilty (the French don’t even like to “fight” in court), so sure that we were a bunch of trigger happy rednecks that wouldn't be able to resist a public lynching.  He had a whole speech planed that was going to bring Allah so much glory as to make the Ayatollah blush.  But alas, we spoiled his beautiful French plan.  We’re not going to kill him (because his mommy didn’t love him).

Now he wants to surrender his previous surrender.  There is much consternation about it:

Stop the ACLU says:

His lawyers sure are eager to keep him free. This is ridiculous! Perhaps he misses the spotlight? Who knows? Knowing how the court system in our country is, they will probably give him a re-trial, and we will all be treated to Moussaoui Part Duex! These terrorists are trained on playing games with our media and lawyers.

Gina Cobb is all like:

Now that Zacarias Moussaoui has been convicted, sentenced to life in prison, and warned that he'll never have a chance to speak publicly again, he's decided that he'd like to start the process all over again by withdrawing his guilty plea.

That sounds like a terrific idea.  No conviction and no sentence will be final until the defendant is completely satisfied!

My Vast Right Wing Conspiracy chimes in with:

So basically, it sounds like he thought he was definitely going to be executed anyway, so he went for broke. Now he sees that he won’t, so he thinks he can get away with it? I don’t think so.

What did he think he was going to, Martha Stewart’s posh little jail? Assclown. 

First, I approve of calling anyone, at any time, an Assclown.  I'm going to start doing it myself, starting right now.  Assclown ….. yep that felt just as good as I suspected it would.

Second, listen here: Relax peeps.  You can ask the court for whatever you want.  I could file a motion to have Dick Cheney lick my balls (Dick v. Balls), and then type up a press release about it.  Sure I might get a couple local stations to carry the story … but I may as well just keep my pants pulled up … because it's not going to happen.

This Assclown wanted to die, and this change of heart/plea proves it.  He is horrified at the idea of living another 40 years in our poorly run Federal Prison System (as he should be), but there isn't a god damn thing he can do about it.  And I, for one, am fucking delighted.