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Discussion: Security Alert Status
  1. z8000783's Picture

    John Humberstone has 4 stars

    Posted: 27th Jul 07, 08:01 am offline

    John joined
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    Security Alert Status


    The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved".

    Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross".

    Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran out.

    Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance".

    The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

    Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide".

    The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."
    The rise was precipitated by arecent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

    It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of alert.

    Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to"Elaborate Military Posturing."

    Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

    The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."

    They also have two higherlevels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

    Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

  2. BMcKenna's Picture

    Bridget McKenna has 5 stars

    Posted: 27th Jul 07, 02:13 pm offline

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    That is entirely too wonderful. Its total unconcern with political correctness reminds me of an article John Cleese wrote some years back titled "The Importance of Being Offensive." If you're too worried about whether you're just possibly offending someone, he said, it's very difficult to be funny. He told the story of getting his inspiration for the character Otto in A Fish Called Wanda from an American magazine advert with the headline "Zen Gives You the Winning Edge.: Now that's funny.

    Thanks for the best laugh of the day!


  3. z8000783's Picture

    John Humberstone has 4 stars

    Posted: 27th Jul 07, 05:07 pm offline

    John joined
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    Quote BMcKenna wrote: View Post
    That is entirely too wonderful. Its total unconcern with political correctness reminds me of an article John Cleese wrote some years back titled "The Importance of Being Offensive." If you're too worried about whether you're just possibly offending someone, he said, it's very difficult to be funny. He told the story of getting his inspiration for the character Otto in A Fish Called Wanda from an American magazine advert with the headline "Zen Gives You the Winning Edge.: Now that's funny.

    Thanks for the best laugh of the day!
    Luckily or sadly giving offence is something I seem to have been doing most of my life. I think thats why I was taken with RB and NLP.

    Working at being uncannily competent at it currently.

    John

    When I was a kid I used to pray every night from new bicycle then I realised that was a waste of time so I stole one and then prayed for forgiveness

  4. Matty72's Picture

    Matt Strudwick has 2 stars

    Posted: 29th Jul 07, 07:48 pm offline

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    Reading your line about praying for a bike has reminded me of a conversation I had with a girl that I know....well a young woman actually.

    I was asking her about her time at school & what exams she passed, she told me that she left school at 15 & barely attended for the last year anyway & so only got a couple of GCSEs.

    I asked her what she did when she bunked off school, she told me that she used to go to churches (she was serious), I asked her what she did in the churches & she replied 'I prayed'.
    I asked her what she prayed for & she replied after a slight pause 'That I would pass all my exams.'

    It took a second or two for my brain to take it on board & then I couldn't stop smiling & laughing for quite a long time.


    Funny thread btw, I shall show it to my French girlfriend!

    The French can forgive the Germans for invading them but they can never forgive the British for liberating them.

  5. z8000783's Picture

    John Humberstone has 4 stars

    Posted: 29th Jul 07, 10:18 pm offline

    John joined
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    Quote Matty72 wrote: View Post
    I asked her what she did when she bunked off school, she told me that she used to go to churches (she was serious), I asked her what she did in the churches & she replied 'I prayed'.
    A man is in his house in Gloucester when horrendous rains come up. The water starts rising, and before you know it, we're talking major flood. Roads are covered. Nothing's moving. Pretty soon, a boat comes along. The guy in the boat yells, 'Come on - we're here to save you. Get in the boat.'

    The man in the house says, 'No...I've got faith that God will save me.'

    The boat leaves. The water keeps rising. The man is forced up the second floor of his house by the flood waters. Another boat comes along. The guy in the boat yells, Come on! It's getting worse. If you don't get in the boat, you're going to drown.'

    From the second floor window the man says, 'No...I'll be ok. I've got faith in God that he'll save me.'

    The boat leaves. Water's rising. The man’s now on the roof. A helicopter hovers overhead and the pilot shouts out, 'This is your last chance. Climb up the ladder. If you don't come now you're going to drown.'

    The man says from the roof, 'No, thanks. God will save me.'

    The pilot shrugs his shoulders and splits. The water rises and the man drowns and he ascends to the pearly gates. He asks St. Peter, 'What happened? I've been devoted to God all of my life and had absolute faith that he would save me. Why did he let me down?'

    And St. Peter tells him, 'What the more do you want? God sent you two boats and a helicopter!?'

    John

  6. shirley's Picture

    Shirley Ireland-Jones has 2 stars

    Posted: 30th Jul 07, 03:28 pm offline

    Shirley joined
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    Thanks John

    Great story whether God is in your map or not and my version of the moral is that it is fine to have faith but remember to pay attention when you have an expectation. The reply is always there and sometimes we choose to miss it.

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