Lousy Authority Figures

We like Peter Griffin the same way we love bad luck when it hits our worst enemy. He doesn't have many positive traits, but as irresponsible louts go, he's nearly weaponized. If you wanted to ruin someone's life, just point Peter at them.

As fun as he is to watch, however, you'd probably want to keep your children as far away as possible. Peter will likely have them in the hospital with alcohol poisoning before the sun goes down. That's if they don't find themselves in mortal combat with a giant chicken instead.

In a lot of ways, The Sitter is similar to Adventures in Babysitter. One major difference, however, is that while Elisabeth Shue was a good babysitter stuck in a bad situation, The Sitter's Noah Griffith is just a bad babysitter. He doesn't even have authority over himself.

Anyone willing to drive a bunch of kids into the city on a journey to pick up drugs just so he can get laid is, frankly, a hero on the same scale as Achilles or John Rambo. But heroes don't make the best authority figures. And both Achilles and Rambo would probably do a better job than Noah Griffith.

You'd think that a guy whose house has a chocolate waterfall and a small army of little orange people would be a good authority figure for children, but you'd be wrong. So very wrong.

Willy Wonka does not enjoy the company of children. He isn't above a little light torture if they misbehave. Not to teach them a lesson, mind you, just to hurt them. To survive Wonka's house, your kid will have to be a saint on an almost mythical level. And let's face facts, there's no way your kid's that well-behaved.

We don't want to say that all truck drivers, professional arm-wrestlers, and absent fathers are bad caretakers, but when you put them together you don't come up with a very child-friendly authority figure. Over the Top's Lincoln Hawk would happily watch your kid, but only out of the corner of his eye while the big hairy guy he's about to arm-wrestle drinks a quart of motor oil.

Your children will get some new cultural experiences, that's for sure. They may even learn what a lot lizard is. Just make sure to check them for tattoos when they return. If they don't abandon you for a life of freedom on the road, that is.