#225

Dear Query Shark,

Most students start college right after high school, so they are 18 or 19 years old. Some smarty-pants might graduate early and are 16 or 17 when they arrive on campus. Lauren Tatterman went to college one month after her 11th birthday.

And that was last week.

We don't need the set up of "most kids" or even "smarty pants" kids.  Start with the only one who matters: Lauren.

After the unexpected death of her mother, 11 year old Lauren Tatterman is doomed to spend her summer as a Coyote Kids Camper at Eastern State University. She has to live Living with her 27 year old brother, after the unexpected death of her mother. He who is the Residence Hall Director of Darcy Towers, the largest dorm on campus, .  Lauren is determined to make Mr. Bossy-pants' life miserable.

Here's where you go splat. Why is she determined to make Mr. Bossy-pants life miserable?  She's 11. At this point every adult in her life bosses her around. What's changed? What's different now? 

But when fire alarms, a tiny, injured rabbit and the campus library theives (when it's clear you didn't run spell check on your query, you contribute to global warming because it makes sharks weep hot salty tears) all collide Lauren realizes she has finally reached her goal of arriving at the fifth stage of the grieving process: acceptance.

And there's a sentence to choke a horse.

The reason this query would get a pass from me is that you've got more than one of these horse chokers and that's DEATH in a middle grade novel.  

But is that really what she wanted? Only a mother cow with a plate glass window in her side who lives in the vet teaching pastures knows for sure.

That's one helluva disturbing image for ME and I'm not in 5th grade. You can have something like that in a book, but you'll need time to prepare the reader for it.  I suggest it's NOT a good image for a query where you don't have any prep time at all.

DARCY TOWERS is a completed contemporary Middle Grade at 37,000 words. I am a member of SCWBI and have spent 15 years living "at college" as well, having seen it all, including the cow with the plate glass window in her side. After reviewing your agency's website and what you're looking for and following you on Twitter I am hoping Lauren Tatterman and her kindhearted spirt minght find its way into your heart.

As you know I'm reluctant to close with anything but thank you for your time and consideration but if you must be nice, this is the way to do it. 

Sincerely,

Focus on getting your sentences under control and showing us more about Lauren's state of mind.

This is a form rejection. Revise. Resend.

How I know you're lying** when you tell me you read the archives

You send a "query" that has this, and only this:


Title

your name
your address
your city, state zip
your phone number

Word Count: of the query no less, not even the book itself




Prologue:

(redacted)


Chapter One
 (redacted)



This is an example, one of the better ones actually, of a query that I just delete. If you've sent something to QueryShark and you don't receive an acknowledgment that starts:

Your submission to the Query Shark has been received.



then your query did not arrive OR it was deleted. Before resending, make SURE you follow the directions. If you keep sending queries that are clearly just plain wrong, your email address will be diverted to spam automatically.


**yes it's possible you sent the wrong query by mistake, sure. But no query should ever exist in this format.  Every single thing about it is wrong.  If you can't see that: READ THE ARCHIVES.

#224

Dear Query Shark:

She's short, round, and pushing forty, but Julia Kalas is a damned good criminal. For seventeen years she renovated historic California buildings as a laundry front for her husband's illegal arms business. Then the Aryan Brotherhood made her a widow, and witness protection shipped her off to the tiny town of Azula, Texas. Also known as the Middle of Nowhere.

My attention is engaged from the very first sentence. I love love love the contrast of "short, round and pushing forty" and "damned good criminal."  This paragraph does EXACTLY what a good query should do: entice me to read more.

The Lone Star sticks are lousy with vintage architecture begging to be rehabbed, so Julia figures she'll just pick up where she left off, but she's got a federal watchdog now: Azula's hard-nosed police chief Teresa Hallstedt, who is none too happy to have another felon in her jurisdiction. Teresa wants Julia where she can keep an eye on her, which turns out to be behind the bar at the local watering hole. The bar's owner, retired fighter Hector Guerra, catches Julia's eye, so she takes the job. Before he can catch any more of her, they find Teresa dead on the bar's roof. 

"The Lone Star sticks are lousy with vintage architecture begging to be rehabbed" makes me weak at the knees with joy. This is exactly the kind of sentence that SHOWS the writer is in command of her craft.

This continues to engage my interest because the diction is energetic and full of vim and vigor: "begging to be rehabbed" "federal watchdog" "local watering hole."  

Enter taciturn county sheriff John Maines, who begins trying to pin the murder on Hector for reasons that Julia soon discovers are both personal and nefarious. 

Nefarious! oh you have my heart at nefarious. But you have it because it's exactly the right word, not just popped in to a sentence for show.  

Unfortunately, the evidence cooperates, (oh yes this is a perfect phrase!) but Julia's finely-honed bullshit detector tells her Hector isn't a killer. She risks reconnecting with the outlaw underground to prove it, and learns the hard way that she's not nearly as tough -- or as right -- as she thinks she is.

And there's the choice that sets up the plot.  Oh yes, I am primed for pages at this point.

NINE DAYS is complete and runs 80,000 words. I hope to feature Julia Kalas in a continuing series, and am currently at work on a sequel, SOUTH OF NOWHERE. I currently make my living as a licensed architect specializing in the renovation of vintage Texas houses, and have been writing creatively for my own enjoyment since I was a pre-teen. Two of my short stories, (title 1) and (title 2), were recently published online by (press)

Your time and attention are greatly appreciated.

This is exactly the kind of query letter that makes me reach for pages. It's energetic. There's not a word out of place. It's got plot.  It's got an interesting, and unusual set up. 

And for the blog readers, if you read this and want to pick at nits, remember that my purpose in reading queries is NOT to pick nits. It's to find energetic writing.  I'm not looking for mistakes. I'm looking for novels.

So, is this query perfect? No. But it does EXACTLY what it is supposed to do: make me want to read more. This gets a request for a full manuscript by return email. 

#223-Revised 3x for the win

Dear QueryShark,

Naïve, beautiful, and a bit on the clumsy side, Emmy Starlight makes the unlikely climb from housekeeper’s daughter to Vegas showgirl to international singing sensation in 1963. The sweet young widow inspires America to believe we can be what we want to be. She dies in a fiery car crash just five years later. Her adoring fans never suspect the man behind the curtain - mobster Johnny Rosselli - who’d been pulling all her strings.

In 2006, Emmy Starlight stuns the world with the admission that her death was a hoax. She’s 70, alone, and tired of doing what she’s told. What she’s doing now is a show at the Stardust in Vegas. Its founder was a no-limits gambler who taught her to dream big, and she promised him she’d play his stage someday - but his suspicious death left the Chicago mob in control before it ever opened. Now the Stardust is set for implosion. And Emmy’s set to face the music. (I really like the double meaning here)

She’s rehearsing for her show when an armed felon bursts in, but not the one Emmy expected. This one claims to be her daughter – the daughter who was killed with Emmy’s husband in 1960. And she's telling the truth. The return of her baby is beyond even Emmy’s dreams. But now they need to find out why they’ve been kept apart... before the men who ordered the first murder get their second chance.


I am an actress with credits such as “this” “that" and “the other” I am also a tournament blackjack player with a passion for Las Vegas history and folklore.

STARLIGHT FALLS is a completed, 97,000-word novel that intertwines a current day suspense story with a historical Vegas fiction. Thank you for your consideration.



Do you like this better?

I sure do.

Now, what do you do when you "win" at QueryShark.

First, you congratulate yourself for sucking up a lot of criticism and revising without a single whimper or complaint.

Then you let this sit for a week.

Then you go back and look at it again. Look at every word. Is it the best word? Can two words be replaced by another without sacrificing energy or vitality of prose?

Once you're ready to go, you let it sit again. Look at it after that week.

Now you're ready to go.


--------------
Dear QueryShark,

Forty years after her “death,” superstar recording artist and Mafia moll Emmy Starlight stuns the world with her admission of the hoax.

When you have limited space to entice a reader one of the biggest challenges is making your main character sound enticing.  Here's a great example: superstar recording artist.  It doesn't convey warmth at all. In fact, just the opposite.  

Since I don't know very many superstar recording artists (ok, I know exactly one) but I do know quite a few NYT bestselling authors, let me use writers not singers as the example.

When I want to tell people about Charlaine Harris, I don't start with her success. I start with how nice she is. How generous to other writers. That's the stuff that makes her special to us all. Her bestsellers are nice and god knows she's earned them the old fashioned way (perseverance, dedication and craftsmanship) but the reason we love her most is cause she's good folks. Same with Lee Child. Same with a dozen or so other writers who regularly hit the list but aren't defined by it.

So how to convey that about your main character?  Describe her differently.  Was she "America's songbird?" Was she "Emmy the nightengale" What  endeared her to people enough that they remember her 40 years later?

This is why you write histories for your characters. Why you clip magazines for images that remind you of your main characters. It's how they become real.



At news of the When Emmy hears about the Las Vegas Stardust Resort’s impending implosion, Emmy emerges from exile for its farewell concert.

 I'm a big fan of starting sentences with the subject not a clause, particularly in query letters. I think it makes your writing sound stronger.  It's one of the things you teach yourself to notice in revision (those leading clauses) cause we all write like that ---on the first draft.

The reason I'm a fan of it particularly in query letters is that it's the easiest format for the reader to follow. There's no pause to think "oh, right, it goes with that person, not this other one."

The Stardust’s founder had been like a father to her, and she promised him she would appear on his stage. She never got the chance. His suspicious death left the Chicago mob in control of the Stardust before it ever even opened.

An armed woman bursts into Emmy’s rehearsal despite heavy security, screaming that she’s Emmy’s daughter. Emmy collapses at the memory of her child, killed in a 1960 car bombing, as ex-con Maddie Norman is hauled away. Despite the protests of Emmy’s loyal bodyguard, Angelo, she goes the next morning to find out what Maddie knows. The police have no record of the arrest.

And right here is where you go splat. We've got the basic premise of the book, now we're into such specific details that it's harder to follow.

Consider: Emmy, back in LV, is confronted by a woman claiming to be her daughter--a daughter killed in 1960. And she's telling the truth. What they need to find out now is why...before the men who planned the first murder get their second chance.

You don't need all the details you've provided here. We only need to get a sense of what's at stake and care about the outcome.

Emmy’s return to her suite is greeted by the sound of Maddie’s chambering gun. She’s telling the truth. The women unravel the betrayal that deprived them of each other. (clunkity clunk clunk clunk) Emmy swears she’ll give everything she owns to help her daughter fix her broken life. They’ll be a family again.

Emmy’s lovesick bodyguard turns his gun on the intruder, refusing to let his goddess be taken from him. Angelo vowed decades ago to love, honor and protect her, neither needing nor deserving her love in return. And he’s already killed once to keep her all to himself.

Angelo sounds like a putz. Give him some edge here. This is LasVegas not Smallville.

Retired CIA agent Walter Manheim listens on a wire. He ordered Emmy’s death when she discovered his involvement with the mob in JFK’s assassination. This time he’ll get rid of her himself, if Angelo and Maddie don’t take care of it first.


I am an actress with credits such as “this” “that” and “the other one” I am also a tournament blackjack player with a passion for Las Vegas history and folklore.

STARLIGHT FALLS is a completed, 97,000-word novel that intertwines a current day suspense story with a historical Vegas fiction. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Better. Much better. Polish. Revise. Declunk. Resend.

---------------------

Dear QueryShark,

Forty years after her “death,” superstar recording artist Emmy Starlight emerges from exile for the show of her life. Her fans aren’t the only ones eager for her return.

If you're using this as the enticement to read the book, it should be the start of the story.  I have a feeling that (based on the next two paragraphs) it's the climax.

As a young showgirl in the glittering playground of 1950s Las Vegas, Emmy accepts a leg up from enamored mob boss Johnny Rosselli and falls into a world of violence that claims everyone she loves. She’s beaten and raped when she refuses the advances of a high roller, and forced into a life of entertaining wealthy gamblers in the bedroom as well as the showroom. Emmy finds the courage to fight for her freedom when she becomes pregnant, but Johnny is willing to let her go only so far. He arranges her marriage to his nephew. When her husband and infant daughter die in a car bombing, Emmy becomes a killer herself, murdering the bomber in a bloody rage.






Johnny hides her at Tahoe’s Cal-Neva Lodge. She meets its owner, Frank Sinatra, who discovers her talent as a singer and skyrockets her to the top of the charts. Emmy becomes a close friend to Marilyn Monroe, consoling her through her affairs with the Kennedys. When Marilyn comes up dead, Emmy knows it wasn’t suicide. And when JFK is assassinated, powerful men decide that Emmy is a loose end they can’t leave in the wind. Still smitten, Johnny Rosselli fakes the hit and sends her into hiding.

All this is background to what you tell us is the plot: her return from a 40-year hoax.

If' that event occurs more than 70 pages in to the novel, you need a new way to introduce the query. If you keep this, I'm going to start skimming wondering when the real story starts. That's NOT how you want someone to read your book.

In 2006, tired of living in fear and spurred by the impending implosion of the Stardust Resort, (this sounds like a good event to begin the query) 70-year-old Emmy returns to keep a promise she made to its late founder. (what promise?) She stuns the world with the admission of the hoax. Her fans still remember her. So do the men who wanted her dead. (they're still around? How old are they now? 90?) And in risking her death, Emmy discovers a life and a love that she believed were long lost.


I am an actress with credits such as (yup, you should list this show)  (and that one)  and (if I knew more about current TV I'd know this one I'm sure.) I am also a tournament blackjack player with a passion for Las Vegas history and folklore.



An action-packed suspense story, STARLIGHT FALLS is a completed, 97,000-word novel that intertwines a current day mystery with a historical Vegas fiction. Thank you for your consideration.

Suspense is very often NOT action-packed and that's ok.  Unless you've got gun fights and ticking clocks and people hanging out of helicopters with hand grenades "action-packed" is probably not the best description.

Suspense keeps you on the edge of your seat more quietly but just as effectively.

Leave out the background and show us what choice she faces now and what the stakes are.

If you're writing a who really killed JFK book, you might as well just come out and say it.



------------------
Dear QueryShark:

Forty years after her “death,” superstar recording artist Emmy Starlight emerges from exile for the biggest show of her life. Her fans aren’t the only ones eager for her return.


A young showgirl in the glittering playground of 1950’s Las Vegas, Emmy dreams of lifting herself and her hardworking mother out of poverty. Enamored mob boss Johnny Rosselli puts her on the fast track to stardom, and in the path of violence. When Emmy stumbles on a secret that powerful men are determined to keep, Johnny fakes the hit that’s ordered and sends her into hiding.

In the first paragraph, Emmy is a superstar recording artist. In the second she's a showgirl. Two very different professions. And if she's young in the 50's she's up against all the social norms of that time period.

Readers will "believe" a lot of things--from talking cats to flying dragons--but what readers believe has to fit with the premise of the story. Thus when you set something in 50's Vegas it has to match what 50's Vegas was. And it wasn't an easy place for a young woman to become a superstar recording artist, particularly if she starts out as a showgirl.

Tired of living in fear, 70-year-old Emmy returns to keep a promise before it’s too late. She admits the hoax to the world and announces a comeback concert. Her fans still remember her. So do the men who wanted her dead. And it’s only in risking her death that Emmy can reclaim her life.

"Reclaim her life?" She's been someone else for 40 years. Why now? What does she want to reclaim?

And what happened to her hardworking mom? Don't mention a character and then drop her over the side of the queryboat.

I am an actress with credits such as (redacted) I am also a tournament blackjack player with a passion for Las Vegas history and folklore.

So, I googled your name and sure enough there you are on IMDB. And interestingly enough you did NOT list the one credit that would most appeal to publishing folks: the smart, well written show you were on from 1998-2000.

I mention this because if you've got nice credits in another artistic field, and you want to mention them, mention the ones most likely to appeal to your audience, not necessarily the most recent or most popular. A VERY smart, VERY WELL WRITTEN under appreciated TV show is likely to have a lot of fans in publishing (me for starters.)

An action-packed suspense story with broad appeal to today’s audience of non-traditional women, STARDUST FALLS is a completed, 97,000-word novel that intertwines a current day mystery with a historical Vegas fiction. Further materials are available upon request. Thank you for your consideration.

No no no. Don't tell me who it appeals to. You have to show me by how you write the query.

And I know further materials are available upon request. I bet you'd give me tea and cookies if I showed up at your house and  requested materials for a snack.You don't need to say this since we assume you're ready to show us a novel if you're sending a query.

(And it's clear from the comments section that you guys are a little touchy about this snack thing!)

You've erred on the wrong side of careful here. This is bloodless.

There's no sense of voice or style. There's no passion, no intrigue. Nothing enticing--and that's the death knell, cause the purpose of a query is to entice someone to read on.

Start over. Let your crazy out of the bag. Go nuts.  (Then revise)

The ∑ of all queries

 Dear Most Exalted Shark of Snark:

JOHN SMITH (who's a girl, but her parents wanted a boy so they named her John, even though it's totally misleading because she's gorgeous with fiery red and orange tresses the color of autumn leaves, and sparkling forest green eyes that glisten with secrets) is the best friend of Aphrodite Pantaloonacy, who is actually our protagonist.

In a blinding fit of rage, John Smith (whom Aphro has nicknamed Elvis) runs off to Iceland, to better escape the ghosts of her past and the pitfalls of her own artistic temperament. While there, she plays ice hockey. They're's*** also an Amusing Scene with a Turkish ghost on holiday taking a bath (Turkish baths, etc.). But one day, when the sky churns with storms and across the see Aphrodite has a terribly chilling feeling of icy foreboding, Elvis falls down a rabbit weasel hole, killing her instantly.


In order to deal with her crushing grief, Aphro and the tortured-soulled boyfriend of Elvis, Maisie (who is actually a boy but his parents wanted a girl so they named him Maisie, go figure right?) flee to the mystical land of Genovia Canada Barbecuasia. It is a place where dragons roam free and the cursed are damned. Where blood can flow quick and fast or slow and at a snail's pace. It is here that Maisie and Aphro can find their dreams. It is here that Aphro can finally confront her destiny.


Since birth Aphro has had a birthmark in the shape of a question mark right in the middle of her snowy forehead. It is a gift from the Barbecuasian gods signifying that she is her mother's daughter. What this means, only Maisie can discover, because of the key his grandfather gave him that he's always carried around his neck that opens the chest where the true powers of Lord Carbunkle dwell.

Aphro, Maisie, the ghost of Elvis, Dandelion, Alkaline, Mjehrithuuqreaei, a baby, a snaggle-toothed troll, a shark with a devastating scents of humor, all these characters and more go on a piercing and heart/gut-wrenching journey of self-discovery and what it means to be a human. Also tacos.

As your eyes pour over each and every carefully selected word (you tell us to edit a lot so boy did I!) I know you will guffaw with laughter (The book is funny). You may even maybe snicker and chortle and giggle and titter and then maybe cackle a bit but only at the funny parts. The serious parts are the parts where I am fully and fervently convinced you will boohoo. I tested this out on test readers (ages 7-84) and there was so much boohooing that I "drifted away on a sea of beautiful tears" (Rosemary, age 67, Tulsa, Oklahoma).

I would be so honored if you would consider reading my 350,842 1/2 (people get interrupted mid-word sometimes) word gritty crime novel work of fiction, the first in a series of seventeen tomes sure to rival the epic sagas of Larry McMurtry, William Shakespeare, Homer [Simpson] and Barbara Walters. It is a compelling work of staggeringly-employed metafores in the timely and bestselling genre of young adult thriller hipster communist manifesto. It is rated X for explicit sex scenes.

I sent a joke once to a joke magazine and they printed my joke (I have included the magazine and highlighted the page for your convenience). Literature is my passion and I have named all my cats after literary characters. Please do not tell me that you do not have the time to read my manuscript, since I know where you live and I see that you stay up very very late at night reading, and there really isn't any reason you couldn't be up reading my stuff too.

Ever faithfully yours,

(name redacted) aka (pen name redacted)
      
***it took me this long to realize this wasn't the serious shark submission I thought it was.
Well played Redacted, well played.

Also, I think the underlying theme here is that ya'll are hungry for some more chums.

Holy cannoli!

Hey Helen

...and anyone else using aol.

AOL hates me.
It regularly deletes email from me to you and doesn't even tell you about it.

If you're not getting an acknowledgement for your queryshark email, and you're using aol, dollars to donuts, that's the reason.

And Helen, I've got all three of yours on file.

#221- revised

To _____________, Dear QueryShark:


Vuto is only 17 when her third child dies, mere days after birth.


Malawian tradition prevents men from considering a child their own until it’s lived for two weeks. Frustrated at not being able to speak to her husband, Solomon, about all three of the children she’s had to bury alone, Vuto forces him to acknowledge the dead baby. Her rejection of their culture causes Solomon and the village elders to banish Vuto from the only home she’s ever known. 


Vuto seeks refuge in the hut of U.S. Peace Corps volunteer Samantha Brennan, where Solomon discovers his wife has not left as she was told, leading him to attack both women. Disregarding her oath to remain uninvolved in village politics, Samantha interjects herself into the center of the conflict, defending Vuto and killing Solomon in the process.

This is your story----->The women go on the run from Vuto’s village and the Peace Corps, encountering physical, ethical and cultural struggles along the way.

How far in to the book does this occur? If it's more than 10,000 words, you've got too much set up and backstory.  This 'on the run' journey is the story. And of course, the question is where are they trying to go? 

Focus here, not the reason they're on the run.

Inspired by my experience as a Peace Corps volunteer in Africa, Vuto falls into the women’s fiction category and is complete at 52,000 words.

52K is pretty short for a full novel. 

My self-published book, _____, received the Barnes and Noble Rising Star Award in 2009, placing it in stores on the east coast. My book ______ is being released by _____________ later this year.

Unless your book is a grizzly bear being released into the wild after an unfortunate encounter with beef cattle, it's most likely being published rather than released.  Also, you'll want to mention if that publisher has an option on this next book, and if you sold it without an agent.  

 There's still no sense of the story-what's at stake, and why we should care about the people involved. Real life does not a story make---and it's real hard to tell people that cause everyone thinks their own life is captivating.


Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely

This is better but it's a form rejection.



--------------------------------

To _______________:  Dear QueryShark:


Vuto loses her third child mere days after birth - and she's only 17 years old.

Unless Vuto left her child on the train, what you mean is the child died. You need to catch our interest here. Use the most powerful word that fits.  Vuto's third child dies mere days after birth.

You mention her age without context. "Only 17" implies she's very young to have three children--but early marriage is more common in the Malawi countryside than here in the US.  Without context, her age doesn't tell us anything other than a number.

The young Malawian woman Vuto forces her husband to acknowledge the baby, despite tradition that prevents men from considering a child their own until they've lived for at least two weeks. Her decision causes rifts in the village and Vuto's newfound feminism is lashed back against. She is banished and must come to terms with herself, her home and her loss.

You're telling us events, not a story. If you want us to care about the characters we have to know more about them than what happens.  Why did Vuto force her husband to do this? What is she trying to accomplish? Why does the village banish her?

"lashed back against" is as awkward as a giraffe on roller skates.

What does she must come to terms with her home mean?  If you have a series, each word has to belong as if the others are not there. She has to come to terms with herself/she has to come to terms with her loss--both those work. Her home doesn't.

Taking solace in the home of a U.S. Peace Corps volunteer, a surprise attack by Vuto's husband leads to murder and an adventure neither the volunteer or Vuto herself had planned for.

Does the Peace Corps worker have a name? Does Vuto's husband? And do you mean "refuge" rather than "solace?" "Solace" implies Vuto finds comfort in this place, which would lead us to think she has some history here, or it has meaning beyond a safe place to be.

Details are what catch our interest. Without details,  this is a report not a story.

At 52,000 words, my book, Vuto, falls into the young adult fiction category and was inspired by an experience I had as a Peace Corps volunteer in Malawi, Africa.

YA is not determined by length. It's determined by voice and content.  I'm not sure this is a YA novel at all. 

My self-published book, (title), received the Barnes and Noble Rising Star Award in 2009, placing it in stores along the east coast. My book (title 2) is being re-released by (publisher) later this year.

Please consider Vuto for publication.

Query letters that ask me to "publish" or "consider for publication" drive me bonkers.  I don't publish books.   Publishers publish books. I'm an agent. I represent authors.  This phrase smacks of carelessness.  Carelessness is a quality I am NOT seeking in new clients. Your query letter tells me about you as a writer, as well as about the book.

#220-revised 1x

 Dear QueryShark:

When dinosaur rocker Doug Flynn croaks on stage at the end of his set, DJ Ronnie Fox is told by KXLA FM to wax poetic on the topic. Ronnie’s played this game before. What goes out over the airwaves sounds so sincere that he is chosen by listener Kellie Coogan. She sees Ronnie as the one person she wants to confide in about what she saw backstage the night Doug Flynn died: someone messing with Doug's personal stash.

I can hear you hitting your head on the desk and saying "but you told me to make the sentences shorter and here you are making them longer! What are you DOING, SharkForBrains?"

My reply is this: that's the first revision. Then you see it's a huge sentence. What ELSE can you take out without ruining the rhythm?

Here's the next revision:

What goes out over the airwaves sounds so sincere that he is chosen by listener Kellie Coogan. She sees Ronnie as the one person she wants to confide in about what she saw backstage the that night Doug Flynn died: someone messing with Doug's personal stash.

Revision is making a change, then making another change, then another. It's hard to see all the words that need to come out on just the first pass.







Ronnie handles what he sees as a potential for trouble in his usual fashion – he hangs up on her. Unfortunately, KXLA’s address can be Googled. Before Ronnie can make a clean getaway, Kellie shows up at the station. It turns out she’s not so bad looking, so Ronnie begrudgingly agrees to help Kellie prove Flynn was snuffed by what he sniffed.



The problem is someone saw Kellie backstage. They know she has something in her purse. In the span of a few short days Ronnie and Kellie will be drugged, mugged, tied, cuffed, stuffed, and boxed. Worst of all, Ronnie will have to spend the night at his parents’ house for the first time in more than a decade.



UNNATURAL ACT is a comic crime novel that comes in at 86,000 words. The book introduces Federal Agents Billy Dobson and Eldon Booth, who dive so deep undercover, they often forget that they are looking for criminals and not really members of a rock band, or Hollywood stuntmen, or pro surfers.



I have worked as a standup comic and as a comedy writer in radio. I am currently the producer of a weekly one-hour talk show on XM Radio that features conversations about aliens, ghosts and other paranormal phenomena.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Much improved.

I'd read pages.

Make SURE you've got your sentences in fighting trim before you send your query out. You don't want to be revising madly when you get requests for pages.

------------------
Dear (Your Name Here) QueryShark


Ronnie Fox hates answering the request line; all he hears from are drunks and late night security guards - and they all want something – free tickets or a few hundred bucks in cold, hard cash. On the night after dinosaur rocker Doug Flynn dies onstage during his comeback tour, Ronnie makes the mistake of feigning reverence and is chosen by listener Kellie Coogan, who was backstage and is certain of foul play.

You've punctuated this first sentence oddly. If you take out the phrase between the dashes the sentence doesn't make sense: "drunks and late night security guards free tickets or a few hundred bucks." A dash is like a parenthetical statement. If you take it out the remaining part of the sentence should stand on its own.

The way your sentences flow is the difference between fluid or clunky writing. Consider this: Ronnie Fox hates answering the request line. All he hears from are drunks and late night security guards. They all want something: free tickets or a few hundred bucks in cold, hard cash.

I really REALLY like the phrase dinosaur rocker. You'll earn extra eyeball time on a query with phrases like that. It gives me hope.

You're trying to get too much information in to that last sentence so it's awkward. Shorter sentences help.

So Ronnie does the adult thing – he hangs up on her. Unfortunately KXLA is listed in the phonebook and before Ronnie can make a clean getaway, Kellie shows up at the station. Reluctantly, Ronnie agrees to help Kellie prove Flynn was murdered, but not before undercover rockers and FBI agents Billy Dobson and Eldon Booth apprehend them, figuring the sack of cash makes them the criminals.

One of my biggest complaints about crime novels with amateur sleuths is the lack of a compelling reason for the sleuth to investigate. "Reluctantly Ronnie agrees" doesn't tell us anything. And you're missing an opportunity here: Ronnie agrees cause Kellie is cute; Ronnie agrees cause Kellie threatens his dog. In other words, the reason he agrees gives us a clue about character.

And then you have a sentence with 34 count 'em 34! words. In other words: a lonnnng ass sentence. There's a place for long ass sentences. Treatises on Faulkner come to mind. Generally they are NOT a good stylistic choice for a 250 word total query letter. Short and sweet is good.

UNNATURAL ACT is a comic crime novel that comes in at 86,000 words and moves at a rapid clip. It is the first of a planned series of books featuring Billy & Eldon, who dive so deep undercover, they often forget that they are looking for criminals and not really members of a rock band, or Hollywood stuntmen, or pro surfers.

Comic? Um. Well, ok, if you say so, but I really hate to see you set yourself up like that. Telling me something is funny (or comic) means I'm always asking "is this funny?"

SHOW me it's comic. Dinosaur rocker is a good start.

Don't tell me it moves at a rapid clip. Anyone who writes 33 word sentences is immediately dis-membered from the Rapid Clip Club.

Just to be cruel, I toted up the word count in your first eight sentences:

33

37

12

21

34

19

42

37

Before you get hot under the collar about this, let me just tell you that I learned about counting words in sentences from a guy who is damn fine writer: T. Jefferson Parker. He's got a couple of Edgar Awards that show I'm not the only one who thinks so.

Jeff Parker once told me that he counted sentences in paragraphs and words in sentences as a way to increase tension. At the climax, the sentences and the paragraphs got shorter; the words fewer. In other words: short crisp sentences are more energetic and keep the reader moving along at that rapid clip you want to claim.

So when you tell me your book moves at a rapid clip, but what I see are looooong sentences, I conclude (perhaps erroneously) that you want your book to move along, but your sentences aren't actually doing the job.  Show me a brisk query; I'll show a book that moves along at a good clip.  SHOW don't TELL.


planned series of books featuring Billy & Eldon

WHOA! Holy CANNOLI!! WAIT. Leave the Cannoli, bring the gun! The protagonists are the FBI guys?

You introduce not one but TWO other characters, neither of whom are the antagonist before you bring on the main guys?

The problem with this is not that you break the rules. I'm happy to have you do that if you can make it work. The problem is we know nothing now about the guys who carry the story. We're all intrigued by Kellie the either hot-maiden or cold-conniver, and Ronnie Fox, depressed DJ, only to find out those aren't the main guys.

You've got to add more information about these good fellas if they're the main guys. 

The author has I have toiled as a standup comic, as a comedy writer in radio and is currently the producer of a one-hour talk show on XM Radio that features conversations about aliens, ghosts and other paranormal phenomena. He keeps his own beliefs close to the vest.

Don't talk about yourself in the third person. The QueryShark finds it annoying.

I don't care what you keep close to your vest. I only care about your book.

Thank you for your consideration. I have enclosed ... (whatever the particular agent has requested per their submission requirements)

I don't have a real sense of this book from the query. It's not enticing cause it's too sprawled out. Four characters, no antagonist, no sense of what's at stake.

I might read pages if you sent them with your query but sadly, if I'm not utterly delighted with a turn of phrase on every one of those pages you send, I'll probably say no with a form rejection.

And those long sentences just fill me with despair.

This is a blisteringly tough category to break into and you've got to be spot-on from the get go.

#219

Dear Query Shark:

My name is  (redacted). I am a junior currently enrolled at (redacted) in (city)  (state.)

I always hate to see a query writer put their age in a query. I particularly hate it when the query writer is young. Nothing good comes of this. Agents aren't looking for "young"; they're looking for good projects. 

Your project needs to stand on its own. And, it's possible if not likely that a good project will be summarily rejected because of your age. There are many published novelists who are young of course. The one I am most familiar with (Kody Keplinger) did not include her age in her query.

I'm almost 100% certain to reject a project if the querier is this young (you're 16 or 17 I assume.)  I don't want to inflict my sharkly self on kids.  I know you don't think of yourself as a kid, but I do.  There's time enough for you to be brutalized by the real world. College for starters.  

So, don't give me the chance to not fall in love with your work by leading with your age.

This applies only to kids who are nearly adults-16 and 17.

If you're under 16, do tell me.  I don't form reject anyone under 16. I reject them, but always with encouragement. 


I have recently completed an 80,000 word novel, Point Blank, an adult, military fictional piece implementing a technique of suspense similarly found in a Michael Crichton thriller, yet also containing a strong moral backbone that deals with racism found between cultures. The story relates greatly to the present political and economic situations in the US, and brings up a possible scenario of what might happen if compromises aren’t reached soon.

This sounds so formal that it's off-putting. And it's not enticing. Start with the name of the main character. Tell me what challenges he faces.

I don't care much about the themes of your novel. I care if it's enticing.

Economic fallout and political turmoil arise in the year 2014 after China refuses to let the US debt ceiling rise any further. War breaks out in 2017, and by 2022, the United States has initiated mandatory drafts for the first time since the Cold War.

Joseph Stephenson, a twenty-three year old American computer specialist, was drafted and has just finished going through training camp. The US has invaded Chinese soil and is pushing an aggressive campaign to cover the entire Chinese nation. In order to see this goal through, a new system of warfare has been initiated by the US government. Soldiers’ kills are tracked and used to create currency-like points.

Start with Joseph Stephenson. He's drafted. He finds himself in a deadly competition for survival.

These points then become the key to survival. A soldier’s supply of food, water, and ammo, even his opportunity to go home, are all dictated by the number of points he has. This system, kept hidden from public eye, has chained soldiers to the battlefield, turning heroes of peace and freedom into mechanized murderers. Now, trapped in the heart of this twisted conflict with no food, no water, and no way home, Joseph Stephenson must fight not only for his next breath, but also because he stands as the only soldier in this corrupt war with the ability to restore justice to the collapsing system he is shackled to.

You're missing a key point here: what is Joseph Stephenson's ability, and why is he blocked from using it?

I recently submitted a modified and shortened chapter of Point Blank to a local literary festival competition and won. This piece can be provided upon your request. I am also able to provide my complete manuscript and a synopsis if you would like.

Send what the agent asks for in the submission guidelines.

I read that you are looking for a good, well written commercial fiction thriller, filled with a dexterity of voice and a powerful narrative push, and my story, through its reinvention of the typical war story formula, mastery over tone and voice, deep connection to modern day politics, and revival of the moral questioning of war, fulfills your requests, so I hope it is a good match for you.


Don't tell me why I'm going to like your novel; show me. That means tell me about the book in a way that makes me want to read it. When you urge your friends to read a book you've loved you don't ever say "it's a good, well written commercial fiction thriller filled with dexterity of voice and a powerful narrative push with master of tone and voice...etc."  A query letter must be enticing, not a analysis of the prose.

Thank you for your time. I hope very much to work with you and look forward to hearing from you.

Respectfully yours,

This query doesn't have much verve to it. You're trying to hard to be formal and businesslike. Cut loose. Give us something to chew on.

Revise. Resend.

#218

Dear Query Shark,

What would happen if you and your child had a train set that could magically shrink you down to size?

You will be killed and eaten by the QueryBunny if you open your query with a rhetorical question. There's nothing like a rhetorical question to make the QueryBunny reach for the picnic hamper.

The QueryBunny and her picnic hamper filled with Hapless Writer Salads.

In our picture book, THE MAGIC TRAIN, Jorgen and his donut-loving daddy shrink to become the engineer and brakeman of the Magic Train. They zoom, clank, puff, and roar upstairs, downstairs, through all the bedrooms, and even into the garage. They encounter sleeping dolls, an erupting volcano, delicious crumbs in the kitchen, and a problem that can only be solved with a chocolate donut.

This is one of the best paragraphs I've seen about a picture book. I love the energetic words: Zoom! Clank! Puff! Roar! (it sounds like morning coffee at the Reef) I love the humor.

THE MAGIC TRAIN is a 620 words picture book that is a joy to read aloud to a train-loving 3-7 year old.


You''ve shown me that.  You don't need to tell me again.

We have included in this email the manuscript** and a picture book dummy featuring page layout and illustrations by Illustrious Illustrator. II's artwork has been published in  This place and That place Magazines. He held a children’s book design fellowship at Publisher. Illustrious illustrator also worked as an assistant to Uber-Illustrator the award-winning illustrator of Fabulous Book.




We believe that the unique voice and distinctive illustration style of this book would be a good fit for the Query Shark Literary Agency. THE MAGIC TRAIN will appeal to parents and children who also enjoy Dinosaur Train, Shark vs. Train and other books inspired by playtime make-believe worlds.

I assume that if you query me, you think we're a good fit. You don't need to tell me again. 

Although we hope you would consider our text and illustrations as a package, we understand and respect your preference to select illustrations. We are willing to have the manuscript and artwork considered separately.


We are submitting the manuscript and illustrated dummy to multiple publishers and agents simultaneously.

NO! NO! NO!   Do not submit to publishers while you submit to agents.  This handicaps your future agent in ways you do not want to imagine.  If a publisher turns you down pre-agent-snag, it's hard for the agent to go back and say "yanno, you made a terrible mistake saying no to this."  Query agents first.

Thank you for your consideration,

**Notice that ALL the text of the book is included in the query.  That's the right thing to do. 

This is an excellent example of a query for a picture book. 

Polish it up, and you're good to go.

Update on #192

Here's the announcement in Publisher's Lunch:

Josin McQuein's PREMEDITATED, about the lengths one girl will go in order to get revenge on the boy who ruined her cousin's life, to Krista Vitola at Delacorte, at auction, for publication in Fall 2013, by Suzie Townsend at Nancy Coffey Literary & Media Representation.

And here's the blog post by Josin.

Yea baby!

And here is how QueryShark feels about this:

A question

QS - A question: Sometimes I see errors in punctuation or grammar, or awkward sentences that could easily be remedied. Are these issues you expect the author to figure out on their own, would you expect them to have someone proof it before sending it in, or would you overlook errors if the query was otherwise compelling? 

The answer is yes and no. How's that for clarity!

When I chomp on queries here, I can't point out every single mistake on the first bite or it would be overwhelming for both the writer and the Shark.

I do expect the writers to be able to identify and fix errors in punctuation or grammar.  I expect them to develop an ear for awkward sentences.  I think each writer has to be able to do this without help (for the most part.)

That said, it's always a good idea to have a proofreader.  

If we're talking actual queries I don't overlook those mistakes AT ALL. They are HUGE red flags for the project being queried.  If you make mistakes in your query you'll make mistakes in your novel.  I can't submit an error-ridden novel to an editor. Well, I could but I flat out refuse to do so.  My clients understand this and turn in manuscripts that may need revision and editing but generally have all the spelling and grammar correct.

For entries to QueryShark, you really REALLY want to have it as perfect as possible.  I don't want to waste your time (or mine) telling you the difference between rain and reign. 

#217-Revised 2x to a win!

Dear QueryShark,

Andromeda Jaunsten isn't a very good alien. She can’t read minds like the rest of her class. She can't turn invisible or move things with pure willpower. She can’t even levitate, which is supposed to be downright easy.

About to be expelled and desperate to stay, she turns to performance-enhancing drugs. It's stupid and illegal, but it works. In fact, it works too well. She can suddenly see the most well hidden secrets, and it's not nearly as amusing as it sounds.

Her teacher Dr Ister has been searching the Academy for the missing princess of Narulon, and it's not for purely patriotic reasons. Now he thinks he's found her in Andromeda's roommate Grace Robin.

Andromeda tells anyone and everyone who might listen, and the next thing she knows she's locked in a bathroom and nearly burned to death. It's part warning, part proof that she's right. If only someone would believe her.

When Ister gets hold of Grace, no one is willing to help. If Grace dies, the future of Narulon dies with her, and Andromeda is certainly not living the rest of her life with that on her conscience. Of course, the rest of her life might not be very long once she confronts Ister.

STARS is my debut. It is a 95,000 words YA novel. I have included (whatever the agent's website asks for) below.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Yes! You've nailed it. 

Now, what to do when you "win" QueryShark?

Make sure your novel reflects what you've done here: get the choices Andromeda makes on the page pretty early. In this case it sounds like using drugs to become a better alien.  We don't need a lot of backstory about how she got to the school or that she's a bad alien. Get us to that fork in the road as soon as you can without rushing the pace.

I love the voice here too: bright and insouciant.  

Congratulations on these revisions. They're terrific!

----------
Dear QueryShark,


Andromeda Jaunsten isn't a very good alien. She can’t read minds like the rest of her class. She can't turn invisible or move things with pure willpower. She can’t even levitate, which is supposed to be downright easy. All she's ever been able to do is sense the emotions of those around her, and that's only good for finding out just how close she is to being expelled.


This is pretty good for setting the scene. I'm interested to find out what happens next.


Not only is she lacking an actual talent, she's lacking the most distinguishing part of her species: the small star-shaped tattoo given to all unwanted children of Narulon before they're shipped off to Earth to be raised by humans. No one knows why, but it soon cements everyone's conviction that she doesn't belong at the Academy.


And this doesn't tell me what happens next. It's more set up. It's more alien out of water stuff.


As she's inexplicably given more and more time to prove herself, the irritation around her mounts. Her roommate can't wait to have their room to herself, her best friend's new girlfriend is eager to get rid of the competition and Andromeda's least favorite teacher, Ister, is taking every chance he can get to furiously search her mind like there's no tomorrow. She even finds him lurking outside her bedroom at night, hoping to catch a glimpse of her vulnerable sleeping mind.


Ok, but this is just more of the same. It's set up. You can encapsulate ALL of this into "and everyone else is just waiting for the day she gets booted out too."


Right now there are no stakes. She's an alien, and not a good one. She's going to get expelled. So what? 

You've really got to get to the so what part of the equation in the first line of the second paragraph.


When she's locked in a bathroom and nearly burned to death, she knows it wasn't an accident, and she has an obvious suspect in mind. While everyone else is overwhelmed with shock, Ister feels guilty… and angry. Andromeda just can't understand why he would want to kill her, unless it has something to do with what he found in her memories. If she learns to read his mind, while protecting her own, she might just find out where she really comes from. But then again, would Ister allow her close enough to try, without a second attempt at her life?

STARS is my debut. It is a 95,000 words YA novel.


Thank you for your time and consideration

You seem to have lost about 30,000 words between version 1 and version 2. That's probably a good thing but you still don't have the essence of a plot here: what choice does Andromdeda face? People want her dead. Ok, a lot of people wouldn't mind blowing up the QueryShark with verbal TNT. So what? 

Unless I must choose between A. posting here and annoying the murderously inclined to further attempts or B. quitting the blogging business, there are NO stakes.  You need to show me Andromeda's choices.   It also helps if the both choices  comes with some horrible consequences: I quit blogging and will fall into despair at the deluge of bad queries; I don't quit blogging and not only am I murdered in my kelp bed, I'm eaten for lunch as shark fin soup.

See the difference?  The fact that people want to kill Andromeda isn't a plot. The fact that she doesn't know where she comes from isn't a plot.  What's at stake if she finds out she's really from Betelgeuse not Narulon?  If she learns to read his mindif she learns to read his mind she'll turn into a toad, does she choose to do that? The choices she must make are the plot.

When you can answer the question what choice must she make and what are the terrible consequences of them, then you revise and resend the query.

------------

Dear QueryShark:

Andromeda Jaunsten doesn't know what to expect from the Academy. She doesn't know her roommate will hate her, her best friend will fall for a girl she can't stand, her teachers will be able to -literally- see right through her, or that her future will hold at least three near-death experiences (only one of which is an accident). She just found out she's an alien, and apparently, she's not the only one.

The most interesting sentence in the paragraph is the last one; you've buried it under a list of things that aren't very interesting (because we don't have the context of the last sentence.)

The problem is, she's not a good enough alien.

Aha! Here's the sentence that helps us figure out context. If start with something like Andromeda Jaunsten is not a good enough alien and ditch the list and get on with the problem, you're better off.  (it's also a bit clunky: Andromeda Jaunsten isn't a very good alien sounds better.  Developing an ear for rhythm is REALLY important.)

She can’t read minds like the rest of her class. She can’t turn invisible or move things with pure will power. She can’t even levitate, which is supposed to be downright easy. All she’s ever been able to do is sense the emotions of those around her, and that's not impressing anyone.



Andromeda soon faces expulsion, and if she doesn't drastically improve in the mind-reading department, she will be sent home without friends, without a proper education and without the chance to find out who is trying to kill her roommate Grace Robin (with such bad aim she's caught in the cross-fire, nonetheless).

And then you trail off here into nothingness. Expulsion isn't very high stakes. Finding out who wants to kill her roommate is better, but still not very much.

Your plot needs some work here. Also, who's the antagonist?

STARS is my debut. It is a 124,000 words YA novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Right now you don't have enough to entice me to read pages. You're on the right track but you need more plot. This feels very thin for 124K novel. 

#215-Revised 1x to yes!

Dear QueryShark:

Recon Marine Abe Tyson is searching for a home to call his own. He finds it at 133 Gypsy Lane, a historic brownstone on Pittsburgh's Southside. A house that speaks to him. Literally.

But sometimes the voices sound more like screams, like something is clawing at the walls to get out. Abe's girlfriend Alice can hear the noises too. She tells herself it's rats, but it sounds like something ... bigger.

The house on Gypsy Lane holds a dark secret, and Abe is about to find out the cost of keeping it quiet, and Alice is about to learn what she'll do to uncover the truth.

THE GOOD HOUSE is a 90,000-word adult paranormal suspense. My short fiction has appeared in the (several very nice periodicals mentioned here.)

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 Yup, that's how it's done!

PS please tell me Alice has had a career change?

---------------
Dear Query Shark:

Marines don't spook easy. Abe Tyson, returning home from the horror of the desert, is searching for a home to call his own. He finds the perfect house--a quaint fixer-upper in the historic South Side of Pittsburgh. Quiet, safe--and best of all: cheap.

Resist resist resist! Marines don't spook easy is so obvious it's like saying humans breathe air. The opposite might be interesting "Marines spook easy" but what you've got here is a yawn.

Start with Abe. He's your main guy.

But in this America, as Abe soon learns, there are no free lunches. The previous owner of 133 Ophelia Street, a hoarder named Esmeralda Dervish, won't give up her house without a fight--never mind that she's dead. Abe isn't about to let a silly ghost scare him. He's faced worse demons in Iraq, and has the scars to prove it.

Again with the non-essential sentence. Resist! 

Also: Dervish?

The juxtaposition of silly ghost and worse demons is jarring.  Silly ghosts don't scare anyone.  Demons from war would.  This kind of writing makes me wary.

Yes, and what about those scars? He can't seem to remember how he acquired the one above his ear, or why he's unable to feel physical pain. Convinced that he's suffering from the effects of PTSD, his friends try desperately to persuade Abe to sell the house. But Abe won't listen. Real estate is a risk, and as any gambler knows, the house always wins.

And here's where you fall in the soup: He can't seem to remember--the he is Abe, and we're in his head. Then the next sentence: Convinced that he's suffering, we move to the head of his friends. This is jarring. It's a HUGE RED FLAG for writing that won't be quite good enough for publication.

Simply by changing the order of the sentence -- His friends, convinced he's suffering from PTSD, try desperately to persuade Abe to sell the house  -- will help.

And the best sentence in the query: the house always wins. This is gorgeous because it does exactly what "Marines don't spook" doesn't: it turns a cliche on its ear. THIS is exactly the kind of thing I look for in queries: it's enticing.

What the house doesn't know is that Abe's girlfriend, a punk-rock stripper named Alice, has been snooping around for clues to the old woman's death--if she ever died at all. First the house was content to consume Abe with its dark mystery; now it wants Alice, too.

Is there any possible chance you can have the main female character NOT be a stripper? I can't tell you how sick I am of seeing that. It's utterly lame and unless it's an absolutely key part of the story (which it doesn't seem to be) make her a damn geologist.

And truthfully, almost any query where the main female character is a stripper gets a pass from me.  It's shorthand for "women are one dimensional in my world."

But Alice has a secret of her own: she isn't a stranger to bloodshed. When a grisly crime makes Abe the target of a local murder investigation, Alice declares war on the house. Now Alice knows that if she walks away she may never be able to prove Abe's innocence. But if she stays she might become his next victim...

 I'm not sure Abe is the main character. Alice sounds pretty much like she's carrying the plot.  She's the one who has to make choices, and for whom the stakes seem largest.  She's also a lot more interesting.

THE GOOD HOUSE (90,000 words) is a commercial thriller with a paranormal bent. Recently my short fiction has appeared in the (several good places redacted here.) My work has been nominated for a Pushcart Prize.

Go easy on the nominations for stuff. Unless you're short listed or a finalist it doesn't mean much. Nominated for a Pushcart means you've had your work sent in by an editor. It's nice, but it's not noteworthy.

Also, this doesn't look anything like a thriller to me. No stakes beyond the personal, no ticking clock. This looks like a suspense novel with paranormal elements. 

And what happened to Esmerelda? She's mentioned in the second paragraph in a way that makes me think she's the antagonist. Then she disappears, and it looks like the house itself is the antagonist.  

This is a problem.

Chapters and a synopsis are available at your request.  of course they are.  So are kidneys, first born sons, and bottles of whisky.  It goes without saying. Thus, you don't need to include it.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

(name)
(address)
(twitter name)

Excellent to include your twitter handle in queries. Just make sure you're not posting pictures of your research into Alice's professional life.

This is the kind of query that gets a form rejection. There are some good things here, but there are enough problems with the writing that I wouldn't read more.  It's not bad, but it's not good enough.

Revise. Resend.