My best friend hates my man

By Rowan Pelling

PUBLISHED: 19:59 EST, 23 September 2012 | UPDATED: 03:25 EST, 24 September 2012

QUESTION:

My best friend and I have been as close as sisters since we met aged five and I was ‘best woman’ at her wedding.

My friend has always longed for me to find equal happiness, and now, aged 40, I’ve finally found Mr Right. But when they met she wasn’t warm and since then she’s dodged out of seeing us together and won’t tell me why.

A mutual friend says she described my partner as a ‘flirt’. What should I do?

Inconsistent: My best friends always supported my search for a partner but now I have one, she disapproves, says the writer

ANSWER:

Perhaps she has simply become over-protective of you (best friends can be a bit like mothers that way). Then there’s the report your best friend has called your partner ‘a flirt’.

It’s best not to rely too much on third-party gossip in such matters, but let’s suppose this story’s true. Is flirting a crime? It can be if you’re hitting on all your girlfriend’s mates, but equally it can be a harmless personality trait that merely means you spread a bit of glad eye around the human race.

Yet if your friend’s husband never flirts, she may misinterpret and mistrust people who do. But that kind of vivacity is not necessarily incompatible with steadiness.

The only thing that matters here is that you’re secure in your boyfriend’s affections and have no true cause to worry about banter with other women. Perhaps all you need to do is say: ‘Look, I know he seems a bit flighty, but he affirms me in all the ways that matter and I trust him.’

You may also need to stand back and take a good look at your friend’s life. Perhaps the real problem here isn’t your partner or your relationships, but your friend’s own situation. Often when someone criticises you for your choices, they’re really saying they’re unhappy with their own.

Idle chatter? A mutual friend she my best friend called my Mr Right was a flirt (picture posed by models)

You must be gleaming the golden hormonal glow of a woman in love and I wonder if that throws some deficiency in your friend’s marriage into relief. When she calls your man a flirt, she may really be saying: ‘My husband lacks passion.’

Forty is a common age for people to feel their marriage lacks spark, or that they’re weighted down by childcare. Almost anything is preferable under those circumstances — including carping about your man — rather than admitting to jealousy.

One way or another you need to clear the air before a rift opens up. You need to know if she has serious proof that your partner’s unworthy of you (a propensity for flirting doesn’t cut the mustard).

If not, remind her how you’ve supported her choices for many years and how much you need her to do the same. Don’t be too fierce, but if your friend can’t be glad for your happiness, I’d suggest she’s unworthy of the golden badge of honour that announces your ‘best friend’.