We’ve been a little down in the dumps around here lately, and several weeks ago I saw an advertisement for a rodeo that benefits Rescue 1 “an abolitionist movement to end sex trafficking”. I tore it out and stuck it on the fridge for a back up plan, in case the unthinkable happened and we were not in Atlanta looking at big beautiful houses with trees.

And, we weren’t, so we went to the rodeo.

And it was awesome.

You might have correctly assumed that I have never been to a rodeo before. While the Promised Land is in the south, we are more of city people. People here in the Home Land? They are for real about their horses and cows.

And I was the only person snapping pictures right and left with an iPhone. I also wore inappropriate footwear. I completely understand now why everyone else was wearing cowboy boots instead of cute strappy sandals.

The girls quickly bought themselves some hats.

After about ten different tributes to the USA, the rodeo got down to business with bucking broncos.

Um. Ow.

Most of my pictures from the actual rodeo are of blurry horses, cows, bulls, and rodeo clowns. But the kids got cotton candy for the first time ever!

We were a little disturbed about the calf roping. But thankfully it transitioned to the grabbing the bull by the horns part. Somehow that was exciting and not disturbing at all. Don’t over think that. I tried.

Our citified selves stuck out worse when they called all the kids into the thing rink big circle. We missed the garbled instructions and suddenly all the other kids took off running through the dirt (and horse poop?) with Arwen timidly trailing behind. I don’t blame her. So far we’d only seen people get trampled by horses and bulls, and cute baby cows thrown onto their backs and tied up.

Turns out they were chasing a cow. One kid actually tackled it. This was obviously not his first rodeo.

Exhausted, we took our gringo selves home.

After we made it home from our adventure, Brent immediately came home to supervise me and bring me and the babies to the Promised Land to meet up with the rest of the family, on their way to a family reunion/vacation in the mountains.

Look at the scenery here, will ya?

We took a stroll to the lake nearby and listened to a sermon while a weird guy did yoga. Ezra wanted to know why he was naked.

The next day we went to a little man made beach on the lake and it was the perfect destination for our little family. Arwen proclaimed it was “the best water experience ever”.

This was shortly followed by the second third fifth one of the top ten most stupid things I’ve ever done. (Okay, so I’ve done a lot of stupid things.)

The next day we had our “worst water experience ever.” Admittedly, it was by choice. We took the whole family tubing on the Chattahoochee river. See previous statement about caution and wind.

Uh. Whoops.

In our defense, we were assured by other family members that it was totally baby friendly and more like a “lazy river” than tubing. The water was no more than two feet deep, and the “rapids” simply spun your tube a little down a 6″ drop. I would agree that this river was quite lazy. It did barely ANYTHING to move us along. So there I was, in a giant inner-tube with a seven month old, floating along and “bbbbbvvvvvvvvppppppttttt” , the vinyl of my tube slid to a stop. Stuck on the tip of an algae covered boulder. Now, what do you do when you are in a river, on an inner-tube, with a baby in your arms, and stuck on a rock? Any bright ideas? Because this happened repeatedly. As in, every fifteen feet or so. I was STRANDED with a baby with no transportation, that’s for sure.

Our trip down this “lazy river” was supposed to be an hour long. I began to despair approximately 1 and a half hours into it after listening to Titus scream for 45 minutes. I couldn’t ignore the nagging feeling of being STRANDED again, just like in Tuscaloosa. I don’t do “helpless” very well. I tried to be thankful for the smooth stones I walked on as I tried to just let Titus ride in the tube (it had a bottom in it) while I pushed it along. But mostly I was just really mad about being stuck by myself in this stupid river with my baby. Brent had a couple kids somewhere down stream, my dad had a kid somewhere up stream, and my mom stuck close with Ezra. Until she got pummeled off her tube and run over several times by a gaggle of jerks. We were in two feet of water for crying out loud. Finally I convinced a strange man to rescue my mother and son and we waited on the bank for my dad to appear. Bless his heart, he now had the task of herding an injured Grammy, a four year old, a 7 year old, and a grumpy Mamma and her screaming baby about another mile down the river. It was ridiculous and miserable. He deserves a medal.

And I don’t ever want to talk about it again. Just know, that if anyone ever tries to convince you that it’s a good idea to take your baby tubing, you can slap them in the face and tell them that your idiot friend Missi did it and you know better now.

Just when we were recovering from the trauma Brent got a call that his grandpa was in life threatening condition in the hospital and no one was with him. Brent rushed to be by his side, leaving me STRANDED on the side of a mountain. Again, with kids and no transportation. What’s with the theme?

After he got to the hospital it was discovered that his grandpa’s life was not threatened and he did have a couple of family members near by checking on him. We were still glad that Brent was able to get to him quickly because we love Grandpa Farmer dearly. Brent got a hotel and I spent the entire night keeping everyone settled in strange beds. I was mad because the rest of the family had been going off doing fun things all day and me and the kids (and my parents by proxy) were stuck at the cabin.

I struggled to be content. I’m just being honest here, because I know that we all have these struggles and somehow convince ourselves that no one else does. I wanted to dwell on “S” is for STRANDED. Because here I was AGAIN stuck with kids and nowhere to go. Our basic needs were completely met. We had family with us. We had WIFI. Shoot, I even brought along my favorite pickles. And I still couldn’t be happy.

And this made me even more mad. At myself. I need Jesus so bad. 

At the other end of a restless night a text from a friend awaited me. She felt like her storm shelter from life was about to collapse. In praying for her, I got the resolution I needed. The Lord brought my mind to Psalm 139.

O LORD, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
(Psalm 139:1-14 ESV)

I encouraged her that her storm shelter was the Lord and He never faints or grows weary. He is a sure protector and she was free and SECURE to praise Him in the storm.

THUNK!

I could very easily read this passage to state:

“You know when I am stranded in Tuscaloosa and when I am safe at home.

You search out my path and my lying down.

You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me, even when I’m being a grumpy jerk. 

If I am stupid enough to go tubing with my baby and get stranded on a river, you are there!

If my husband gets called away during our only vacation of the year and I am stuck on the side of a mountain, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.

Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.”

God is so gracious to free us! So faithful to love us when we act as though we have been abandoned. I realized I was free to be secure, in the midst of a life that is changing and uncertain right now. I longed for solid, familiar ground to stand on and I found it in His Word.

Evie and I wandered outside and played bubbles and then treated ourselves to a lunch of hot dogs, pickles, and green Naked juice.

And just like that, all was right with the world again. All was right all along. It was me that was wrong.

“S” is for Secure. We are always secure with Jesus. Always. 

But I am never leaving my house again. 

I could never be described as a cautious person I suppose.

Most people would just stay home and watch lots of preschool television in their pjs if they found themselves home for a week with their two smallest children, and the rest of the family out of town. I guess?

Me? I saw opportunity! I could finish touching up the house to get it ready to sell. I could move plenty of stuff into storage. I could handle the farmers markets just fine with the littles.

I worked myself silly moving boxes, sanding and painting, and staying up all night with a teething infant and potty training toddler. I had forgotten to figure that into my equation.

By Thursday I was super pooped but I still had a lot of painting and a farmers market an hour and a half from home.

I rushed through the morning painting and greeting soap customers with their pick up orders and quickly threw babies and soap in the truck for the market. An hour and a half from home.

I was feeling pretty positive as we hopped the curb onto the market lawn. And then my truck sputtered to a stop smack in the middle of the farmers market. I hopped out and called for able bodied men to come to my aid. Luckily, this market is on a college campus and there were plenty. They pushed me to my spot and I quickly set up to sell soap. I could set up for a market in my sleep, we’ve done it so many times. Which is good, because I was super tired.

At some point I called AAA to come give me gas, in between helping customers and doing hostage negotiations with my two year old who was clearly suffering emotionally from the little bit of transition our family is experiencing right now.

Brent has me covered with the most expensive premium package AAA provides. Because I throw caution to the wind as a habit.

AAA came and put gas in my truck and it still wouldn’t start. So I had this big muscled man who makes a living working with automobile emergencies telling me that I needed a new fuel pump and would have to get towed. This is similar to going to the ER for abdominal pain and being told you needed to have your appendix out when really you just had gas from some cauliflower you should have avoided. But you believe the man in the dr. smock with the nerdy glasses because he’s a surgeon.

When really they just didn’t give me enough dang gas.But I didn’t find that out until much later.

Are you still wondering how the police and chickens come into play? Good. Keep reading.

At this point I wept into the tail of my baby sling like… A baby. I had been trying so hard to be strong and not complain about how tired I was. About the anxiety that I battled with every box I packed and stowed away in our storage unit. About the sweet hand prints on the walls that I was painting over, erasing every sign of a happy life lived in our home. Trying to be strong and show Brent that he could trust me to do important things while he was out of town working equally hard to get this new job. And now I had to call and tell him I had majorly failed and I was stuck overnight at least until a mechanic could fix the truck. And did I mention that I was supposed to leave the next day to get to my other children? Yeah. I was devastated.

Brent found some sweet people for me to stay with. They recommended a trust worthy mechanic to have it towed to, and chauffeured me to Target for clothes, diapers, baby wipes, pull ups, and food. I was very grateful to have a place to stay and kids for Evie to play with.

Sometime the next morning the mechanic called with the news: it simply needed more gas.

I don’t have anything nice to say. Which is why I haven’t called AAA yet to let them know, for future reference, that 3 gallons of gas isn’t enough to restart a Suburban.OH AND THANKS FOR CRANKING IT SO MANY TIMES THAT YOU ALSO KILLED MY BATTERY AFTER YOU DIDN’T PUT ENOUGH GAS IN.

Ahem. See? No nice words.

I finally made it home. 24 hours late. The babies were exhausted from a very long and sleepless night so they dozed in the truck for quite a while. I was happy just sitting in the driveway. Eventually Titus woke and I took him inside, leaving car doors open for Evie while she slept in her car seat. Oh, and my wallet and iPad in the front seat. And my change bag stuffed with cash from the market. See previous statement about caution and wind.

I got distracted as I was unloading when I remembered we had chickens and I hadn’t tended to them before leaving the day before since I had only planned to be gone a few hours. Not 24. I didn’t see any of them and their water was bone dry.

I rushed out there, leaving the front door standing open, and was happy to find them alive and cackling angrily at me about their thirst. I let them out and filled their water dish while they circled my ankles. I’m pretty sure they think I’m the mamma hen.

I decided to circle back around the outside of the house to check on Evie who was still sleeping in the truck.

Imagine my surprise to find a cop standing in the doorway looking alarmed.

I snuck up on him and said, “BOO!”

Just kidding. But that would have been awesome. I did surprise him when I poked my head around the corner to ask what I could help him with.

He inquired whether I knew I had left all my car doors open with valuables inside and my front door open with sweet baby playing.

“Oh. My chickens just needed water real bad or they were about to die,” I explained. And, realizing that made no sense I added, ” I just got home. I was stranded in Tuscaloosa because I ran out of gas and AAA killed my battery and I was in the middle of unloading when I remembered I had chickens.”

Because all of that made me sound really credible, he cancelled his call for back up.

Whew.

Evidently there has been a rash of car and home burglaries in our town and he was sure he’d caught the perpetrator in the act.

I was just glad he didn’t realize I had a sleeping two year old in the truck because cops in our town are really bossy about leaving your kids in the car in the drive way in case a pervert comes down the street. True story. A cop said that one time.

“As long as everything is okay?” the cop said cautiously. I assured him it was and that I was gonna finish unloading. He smiled and left and I know he was thinking, ” Did she say chickens??”

… And we didn’t get anything free.

But you know there was lots of poop.

After the Tuscaloosa farmers market we took a picnic to the park.

Doesn’t that sound so ideal?

We were almost done eating and just about to unleash the kids on the playground when the Potty Pilgrimages began.
After the third trip we determined we were done eating and had just enough time for half an hour of play on the playground.

Just as we got settled on a nearby bench and the kids ran off to play, Ezra shouted and began to trot back towards the bathrooms. Brent handed Titus off to me and I got to witness the big girls do monkey bars for the first time while Brent was with Ezra. There. You know, the potty.

Just after I captured that photo, I noticed Evie standing on the monkey bar deck looking guilty.

Can you even believe what I found as I neared???

A doodle. Dumped. On the deck.

Deck dumping doodle.

How does this happen?? She was wearing a pull up! I do not understand.

She had stepped in it. And smeared some on her dress.

I quickly texted an SOS to Brent, who was still in the potty with Ezra.

He came running. We couldn’t leave it there for another kid to step in! And to make it worse, some other parents were sitting on a bench with a front row seat.

Brent grabbed a baby wipe and did doodle duty.

And of course, I was glad again that at least we weren’t at the mall.

Now Brent had to take Evie to the truck for clean up and wardrobe change.

He got back with just 5 minutes till time to go. And right as Titus was filling his diaper.

Final count, best as I can tell, 4 out of 5 kids pooped at the park. 1 kid pooped on the park.

Thursday is thus known as Poop in Public Day. Who wants to come play??

Every now and then we find ourselves on a rainy Thursday evening with nothing to do. It’s hard to sell soap in the rain, so we played hooky from the market.

Brilliantly, we decided to go to the mall.

The kids have forty of the current prize Chick-fil-a is offering, so we launched them over to the counter in groups to exchange for a free ice cream. Plus, for some reason they gave us some free chicken strips and two bowls of ice cream. For free. I think maybe we just looked extra hungry.

At some point the guy at the counter started looking for the clown car all these little people must haven been tumbling out of.

We made approximately three potty trips at the food court.

After grabbing some dinner we headed to Godiva. The girls and I are card carrying members and get free chocolate every month. (The marzipan hearts are my fav. And it’s free. Did I mention there’s free chocolate?)
The girls usually buy some too.

Then we hit up the toy store. Ezra opted not to spend his money because he is saving up for some binoculars.

Brent made two more trips to take kids to the potty while I tried to talk some kids out of buying cheap crap with their hard earned money.

He returned from the third trip to the JC Penny potty and Evie had some accessories.

I mentioned we are having issues with the potty training, right?
She had, umm, doodled in her britches. So, as the story was relayed to me, her doodle dumped itself on the floor at the entrance to Penny’s.
Yes. We are why you should never eat off public floors.
Of course Arwen loudly announced that the Uhh… Doodle had ::cough:: dumped ::cough::.
Good thing because I hear tell some folks almost stepped on it. Brent found a receipt in Arwen’s Godiva bag and picked up the poop and carried it to the bathroom to dispose of it.
Once everyone was all cleaned up, he and Arwen were fleeing the scene and realized Evie was missing.

At this exact moment there was a loud shriek and they found Evie with her hand stuck, pinched in the men’s bathroom door.

Across the way, a salon worker had great compassion and gave Evie a bandaid and a free bottle of OPI polish. (score for Mamma!)

Once Brent, Arwen and Evie returned to the rest of us, Evie settled herself in the stroller and promptly began a manicure.

I’m telling y’all, it’s exhausting being her parents. ;D

Here it is, 9:00 pm and we are on our way home.

Good night.

It was shaping up to be a normal Friday for us. We had burned through workout and chores to hop in the truck and make it across town in time for morning art lessons for the big girls.

After art I usually swing through The Chic halfway home to get Kid’s Meals as a special treat.

I’m pretty much the world’s best mother that way.

Traffic started looking a little backed up, so I took an early exit.

Then I went the wrong way.

It may have crossed their minds to question me, but the kids are generally use to Mamma getting lost. If there aren’t large signs telling me where I am headed, I’m pretty much helpless. Plus, the baby was hollerin’.

Once I got righted we very slowly snaked through back roads to pick up lunch. That’s when I discovered all entry lanes to the interstate were blocked by the police.

So I took the only back road I knew home. It was only about an 8 mile stretch.

Two miles in, we came to a dead stop.

Titus eventually went to sleep so I started distributing Kid’s Meals. The kids happily munched while I entertained myself with witty facebook status updates. (I mean, I thought they were funny…)

An hour into this I decided I had better eat my salad.

I was pretty sure this was my last supper, since every apocalyptic movie I’ve ever seen starts this way. I wondered if I should call my parents to tell them I love them. Maybe hack out a quick will on Facebook. Not that it would matter, since the world was ending and all.

From the back seats I heard,

“Where are we? That cow field looks sort of familiar…. ‘Course, all cow fields pretty much look the same…”

and,

“Mommy, are we gonna get a hotel? I don’t think we are ever going to make it home.”

and, my personal favorite quote of the day,

“Let’s just move. Then we can go to a new home.”

They each advised me to call Daddy since I was lost, at least 5,000 times. I kept reassuring them that we were not lost. Just…stuck.

A half hour later, we had gone about one mile. Did I mention that none of my map apps were working for me? They pretty much kept telling me that if I couldn’t take the interstate or the road I was on, I was screwed. Publix was in sight though, so I knew I at least had dinner covered, if it came to that. I imagined myself fighting my way through looters to procure food for my starving children…

My day dream was interrupted when my milk started to let down and I remembered I didn’t have any nursing pads on since it was supposed to have been a quick trip. I did what any self respecting mother would do and grabbed wads of napkins and stuffed them down my shirt.

But that wasn’t my only problem. My girls are fine tuned. They let down and within seconds I can know that my boy is about to wake up, hungry.

And that’s exactly what happened. Since we weren’t going anywhere, I popped Titus out of his seat and proceeded to nurse him right where I was.

It was also about this point that I realized I had a potty trainer in the car.

I sat through a couple of lights and called Brent to see if he knew a magical route home. I could see that the intersection ahead was about to be gridlocked with cars from every direction trying to occupy space. He actually found a route and before I knew it I was driving. And nursing a baby. I had to pull through before my window of opportunity closed. And it did. The walls of traffic caved in behind me like the Red Sea on the people of Israel.

Ezra exclaimed, “This is fun! I hope we stay lost forever!!!”

As soon as I got to a red light I put it in park and transferred Titus back to his seat.

((I will take this opportunity to remind you of all the car trips you took in the rear window of your parent’s car, if you were born prior to 1985.))

Anyway, baby boy took up his wailing again, but it looks like his sisters took good care of him.

Brent’s magical route did indeed bring us home.

Just in time too, because I hear those same roads got gridlocked right after we passed through them.

Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like home! We all agreed that we had experienced a great adventure!

PS…Evie’s pants were dry!!!

….20 inch bladez, on the…

What?!

It’s true. I’m on of those people that can be embarrassing to be with in public. I talk on my cell phone too loud. I say things that others might deem inappropriate {on accident usually}. And I expect good service.

Cause I’m a big baller.

Not really. Mostly because the size of our family means that wherever we are- we are about to spend a lot of money. You would think business establishments would realize that in general large families eat a lot of food, use a lot of stuff, and leave very little mess behind. True, our sheer number makes us loud by nature, but at least our kids know how to clean up after themselves. My crew almost single handedly cleaned up all the 3D glasses other patrons left behind in the movie theater today and deposited them in the correct receptacle. And you should see them with the communion cups after church on Sunday. And we go to a really big church.

Which brings me to my point. (Not really.)

We had a really really really {insert many more really’s here} bad day yesterday. The kind of day when Mamma texts Daddy at 5:00 pm and says, “I’m going to bed. Please bring home dinner.” 

And my husband is so wonderful, he knew just what we needed to recover. A quick stay-cation was what developed.

We skipped church so Mamma (that would be me) could sleep in a little.

Then we headed for The Lorax. In 3D. And IMAX. Our kids had a mini brain explosion at the announcement. The movie was super fun and did not disappoint me at all.

The closest restaurant was a snooty steak joint. We have a knack for searching out the non-family friendly restaurants in town. Evidently the establishment only had two tables that fit a max of 6 people. And both had just been sat. Now, usually they push together the two toppers to make a long table, we were told. But today they were going to have us wait for one of the big tables. We agreed to the modest time frame and hung out for a while. Meanwhile, party of two after party of two was sat at all of the tables that could have been pushed together for us. Everything was cool until we hit nap time. And we still hadn’t fed our brood. And people were climbing on my head. And I was hungry. And Titus was fussing.

I announced {possibly loud enough for the manager to hear} that I was ready to go somewhere else. At which point she bustled over and explained that the large table of people just wouldn’t leave even though they were done eating and we could just sit at two different tables, one parent at each table, right? And then when the larger table was available we {and all of our food, kids, crayons, etc} could just move over to the big table once it was clean. Easy peasy! {Like, totally!}

I frowned and violently shook my head and Brent said kindly, “Sure! Sounds great!”

At this point I totally prejudged the restaurant harshly. Sorry, restaurant. But so far this situation sucked. I don’t like paying $60 for my meal and not being able to speak to my husband while we eat.

They gave us the sweetest waitress they had, I’m certain. She had a ginormous smile, perfect hair, and was in general, super cute. And very inquisitive. Because she rapidly fired off the following line of questioning:

• Are they all yours? (No. We like to take the neighbor’s kids to fancy restaurants on date night.)
• Do you have a big house? (Yes. Have you seed Downtown Abbey? We have bells and everything!)
• Were they all planned? (No. They just kept coming and we thought we knew what caused it. But if that were true there would be thousands of them!)

Poor girl. She had no idea that these questions are frowned upon in the big family community. Fortunately for her, I don’t find them infuriating. Plus, she was very sweet to everyone. And she brought chocolate cake. For free. And cheesecake.

Eventually they were able to scoot two tables together to accommodate our crowd. And then there was the free cake. Plus, the food was delish. Every.single.bite. And the kids even liked it too.

While the large table of people sat and solved the world’s problems {in Chinese. So, unfortunately I was not able to understand a single word and relay to you the answers to life’s greatest problems}, we ordered, ate and left.

In conclusion, I’d say that the restaurant is great for dates, but not for the entire family or large groups of any sort.

Anyhow.

I can’t go within two miles of World Market without stopping in to browse. Plus we had two poopy diapers to change. For the first nine minutes of our visit to the store Brent and I hung our heads outside of the two bathroom doors swapping clean clothes, baby wipes, diapers, and children. Titus demanded a complete wardrobe change. Eventually, everyone’s needs had been taken care of and Brent headed out with the little people to a sporting goods store while the big girls, Titus and I browsed World Market. Of course, I found some owl earrings to buy. And the girls tried on everything possible.

We returned home united again as a big happy family. Full tummies and full love tanks.

I figured I could use some humbling after my big stink at the restaurant, so I scrubbed all three bathrooms, toilets and all.

Have a great week, y’all!