The five most infuriating moviegoers

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Ordinarily in America, and particularly in and around Times Square, this is a bad idea: our cross-Pacific brethren seem to have even less regard for the silent sanctity of the cinema than we do. 

But for some reason, today the gods smiled on me, and I got to sit through Looper (and it was very good, too) without so much as a passive aggressive "ahem" directed two rows in front of me. 

In fact, a quiet movie session is becoming such a thing of the past that it was enough to make me pause and think about it, and write this blog. 

Now, I'm not an asshole - the great thing about the movies is that it's a democratic artform, and anyone can go, from young kids to grumpy old men. I'm happy to share the cinema with my fellow humans. 

Take all of that with a grain of salt, as if I had my way, everyone bar me would be strapped to their chair, hands tied, and forced to watch the movie a la Alex: 

...But as I'm a reasonable person, I live with the reality that my fellow moviegoers will probably need to breathe and possibly eat/drink throughout the film.

There are some people, however, who should never be allowed into the cinema's inner sanctum. Here are my five worsts, your mileage may vary. Although if your worst cinemagoer is "that bitch Clem Bastow" then I suggest you cease reading now. 

THE EXCESSIVE URINATOR:

In the land of the giant soda (despite Mayor Bloomberg's best efforts), this one is becoming increasingly omnipresent (and I'm sure the same applies to Australian cinemas): he or she moseys into the cinema with one or two giant cups of fountain drink, and then proceeds to squeeze out - "Excuse me, sorry" - numerous times throughout the movie to go have a slash. When I saw Snow White & The Huntsman, one of my row-mates did the dunny run four times within its 127 minutes (and yes, large sodas were involved). Since they don't want to ruin the fun of action scenes, the Excessive Urinator tends to choose quieter scenes of essential expositionary dialogue for their weak-bladdered exit. Lord in heaven, don't people know how to hold it in anymore? 

THE MOUTH BREATHER:

Okay, okay, chill out internet PC brigade: a) I know we all breathe through our mouths, and b) I appreciate that there's a small possibility that Darth Vader over in F13 might have some sort of breathing issue. But for the most part, let's assume that the person paedo breathing in the row behind you is a normal, functioning human being: nothing skeeves out a not-exactly-packed movie theatre faster than someone huffing and puffing in the quiet scenes. Is it too much to ask for some discreet nostril-based oxygen consumption?

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