Rowan Pelling's sex advice column: I'm losing sleep over his move to the spare room

PUBLISHED: 19:05 EST, 4 November 2012 | UPDATED: 19:05 EST, 4 November 2012

Question: I shared a bed with my husband for the first 12 years of our marriage, but earlier this year he said he was having trouble sleeping and moved to the spare room. It’s true he’s a restless, light sleeper and that I occasionally snore, but I hate sleeping apart. I worry he doesn’t desire me any more — it’s difficult to make love spontaneously if you’re not snuggled up together. Help!

Answer: I’ve a sneaky feeling the majority of women, myself included, would rate spooning in bed as one of life’s top pleasures. But if your fellow spoon is in a distant cutlery drawer, the long winter nights can seem bleak. So I feel for you.

However, there’s no doubt that people’s sleeping habits can change over the years, and if there’s one thing worse than not snuggling up to your spouse, it’s not being able to sleep.

What do you do when your long-term partner moves into the spare room?

When a couple are first together, their passion-fuelled frequent love-making often helps them sleep soundly. And new lovers welcome a bit of sleep disruption, as it affords another excuse to have sex or just gaze rapturously at each other. They also tend to be more forgiving about letting their beloved wrap around them like an octopus or steal the duvet.

After 12 years together, however, you’re less likely to suffer a night’s discomfort gladly. The passion of the early days will almost certainly have settled into something more comfortable and secure. Your husband is a light sleeper, so it’s likely your bouts of snoring drive him to distraction. Once you start sleeping badly, any form of disturbance can be a form of torture.

There are plenty of happy marriages where husbands and wives sleep separately without it signalling anything other than incompatible slumber habits.

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In fact, separate beds reflect the trend for bigger houses and smaller families, meaning there’s a spare room available for respite. My parents and grandparents didn’t have the option to crawl to another room.

What the separate bedroom brigade do say, however, is that you have to be extra vigilant about maintaining intimacy. Many couples claim there can be benefits, as you’re keeping your least attractive traits (flannel pyjamas and morning breath, for example) behind a closed door. When you do invite your spouse into your bedchamber, you can ensure you’re spruced up.

One woman I know stages Seduction Saturdays where she dons silk lingerie and invites her husband under her duvet for a long night of intense passion. Her sex life is far better since she sent her snoring husband over the corridor. ‘I was too tired and cross to make any effort before,’ she says.

Other couples indulge in more spontaneous love-making during the day. Showering together or having sex on the sofa can be excellent substitutes for night-time fumbles. Sex becomes a treat rather than a habit.

So don’t panic. If your husband is still keen to have sex, even if it’s not as frequently as before, it’s clear he’s moved bed to get a good night’s sleep. It’s only if he stops responding to your advances that I’d worry.

Why not compromise? Ask him to share your bed on Fridays, Saturdays and bank holidays, when a good sleep isn’t crucial for work — then buy the poor man earplugs.

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My husband works 24-48 hour shifts 10 days a month so we're forced to sleep apart sometimes. But if we're in the same house we can't sleep away from each other, even though we wake each other up if we're in the same bed. It's a wonder we get any rest at all! But we're happy doing that, even though we've been doing it for near a decade. I think if you're truly unhappy you should speak directly to your spouse. An advice column is a good start, but if you don't talk to the person involved in the problem it'll never get better. In those instances where our sleeping habits were starting to really grate on the other we talked it out and came up with solutions.

- koolchicken , Kauai, 06/11/2012 00:58

Click to rate Rating 1

You're lucky, lots of us would love to sleep alone!

- Princess Leia , The Death Star, 05/11/2012 23:35

Click to rate Rating 8

Banging someone else love. Move out.

- pete , sheffield, 05/11/2012 23:17

Click to rate Rating 6

Why do women always assume the other half has to be the instigator wen it comes to initiating sex. If this lady wants sex that bad she can always climb up on top and ride him, once both get their jollies off, the usual thing is hubby instantly falls into a deep sleep. So, why should wifey have to leave? This tells me she ain't very street savvy. The comments here tells me UK folks are clueless in this arena as in most things in life. Otherwise why are 1/2 of all UK households run by a single mum? The writer of this article is out traveling in the aether as always. She strikes me as being ineptly inexperienced in every article she writes, but then again she's a modern chav who thinks she knows it all...its called consider the source

- pietschka liika , scania, Denmark, 05/11/2012 21:52

Click to rate Rating 17

I am a light sleeper and my husband snores like a train, so for a while I was staggering to the spare room at 2 or 3am in despair, just needing SOME sleep to be able to function the next day. We slept apart for a while, but I didn't really like it, so one day I bought some sponge earplugs to see if they helped, and have never looked back. The earplugs don't cut everything out, so for example I still hear the kids if they wake up, or would be able to hear the smoke alarm, but they do dull the farmyard noises coming from my husband's side of the bed. Enough that he has survived the last few years in the same bed as me anyway!

- Ria , London, 05/11/2012 21:21

Click to rate Rating 26

My husband always falls asleep on the sofa while 'watching the TV' he doesn't finish work until 02am so I'm asleep when he gets home. I can hear him snoring upstairs, why would I want that 12 inches from my ear. The perfect solution I think.

- Dee , Middlesex, 05/11/2012 20:05

Click to rate Rating 30

It all depends on the couple! And family! We have me hubby baby in bed and last 2 days our nearly 3 yr old in the same room. We have a 5 bed house but were all living in 1 room. We prob would sleep better if we had different arrangements... But this works for us at the mo! We are in transition, in some months baby will be out either in own room or with sister and then it'll be the 2 of us again... See how it goes over time. My parents were always in together unless ill. His were separate : dad did nights and kids in with mum for years !

- AH , Manchester, 05/11/2012 19:39

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Sounds perfect to me. I have only been with my partner two years and sleep terribly when he stays at mine! If we were to live together I would happily have my own bed. Not about not wanting him anymore, just need a good nights sleep now and again. My parents have slept in separate rooms for for about 15 years and there marriage is fine. They are about to reach 46 years of marriage so it cannot all be bad sleeping alone!

- Eve , Bexhill, United Kingdom, 05/11/2012 18:59

Click to rate Rating 37

Here's and idea!!!....Talk to him.

- SHA , GLASGOW, United Kingdom, 05/11/2012 18:57

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I'm just waiting for the stock, " dump the loser". comment !. - Jamie, Twickenham, United Kingdom, 5/11/2012 15:27 ### LOL, Man up! is the one I like. That's my favourite expression of DM insight and sensitivity.

- Luca , London, United Kingdom, 05/11/2012 17:19

Click to rate Rating 22

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