Wishful Thinking

Posted: Tuesday June 25, 2002 5:51 PM
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Sports Illustrated Just once, before you die, wouldn't you love to see ...

... Bud Selig and Donald Fehr crushed by the same meteorite?

... a Chinese fan inform an NBA superstar that his cool, eight-inch Chinese-character tattoo means, literally, "I enjoy dating chickens"?

... an NFL player beat his chest after tackling a running back for a two-yard gain, then point to the sky, thanking God, and get struck by lightning?

... every book publisher refuse to print Jose Canseco's autobiography on the grounds that a person must first read a book before writing one?

... a pack of jubilant football players sneak up from behind the gnarled old coach on a freezing night and dump a cooler of icy Gatorade on him, and the coach cut them on the spot?

... a World Cup soccer player forget what he's doing and flop to the ground during the postgame jersey swap?

... coach Lou Holtz describe South Carolina's next opponent as "worse than pitiful. These guys couldn't beat the Asthma Institute. We're looking way past them to Alabama two weeks from now"?

... a major league player call a press conference to demand the club negotiate his contract -- downward? "I'm barely hittin' my damn weight," he'll say, his agent nodding by his side. "Either start paying me a whole lot less or I'm leaving for Pawtucket right now!"

... Alex Rodriguez, ahead of you in line at Wal-Mart, getting his Visa rejected?

... a reporter stick a tape recorder in the face of the linebacker, say, "Talk about the game, Tank," and Tank reply, "Wait a minute. You sat in that press box for 2 1/2 hours, toasty warm, with stats handed to you, replays on 50 TV sets, prime rib buffet -- with two desserts -- and you can't think of one single question to ask me?"

... some megamillionaire athlete take MTV's Cribs on a tour of his mansion and get lost?

... Rasheed Wallace stick his hand in the air after being called for a foul?

... genius manager Joe Torre try to win a game with the Kansas City Royals' lineup?

... radio bad-boy Jim Rome say to a caller, "Hey, there's no need to be nervous. Take your time. Nobody's judging you here. You're among friends!"

... the superstar outfielder go on and on in a press conference about how he needs a trade closer to his home so he can drive the carpool, when his wife stands up in the back and yells, "Really? You want to drive the carpool? How about November? I hear you're pretty free then! How come you never drive the carpool in November? You're going to force a trade to Atlanta so you can drive the carpool? That'll be some trick, since we live in Orlando!"

... two WWF wrestlers actually land haymakers and go bawling off to their dressing rooms?

... the winning Super Bowl quarterback holler, "I'm going to Disney World! And after that, we're taking a real vacation!"

... a belligerent hockey fan screaming bloodthirsty insults at a 6'6" goon in the penalty box when he suddenly realizes there's no glass between them?

... Kobe Bryant's run-jump-land-and-jump-again move get called for what it is: traveling?

... a Wimbledon ball boy say to Pete Sampras, "Well, bloody hell, aren't you going to go pick up any of them?"

... someone on SportsCenter say, "Detroit defeated Atlanta 101-99," and nothing else?

... Al Davis show up at the 50-yard line in a bright blue Perry Ellis blazer, matching ascot and bleach-blond Brad Pitt bangs?

... Bob Costas look straight into the camera and say, "At this very moment in the Olympic Games, the women's softball final, the men's 100-meter-dash final and the excruciating finish of the marathon are all taking place. That's why it sickens me to have to send you to the three o'clock practice session of the U.S. women's gymnastics team"?

... all the manicured, blown-dry, poof-poof dogs at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show suddenly see a vendor spill a box of wieners and go tearing off all at once?

... Ahmad Rashad smear on red lipstick before sucking up to Kobe?

... your kids sit down to dinner and tell you about that afternoon's World Series game?

... Mo Vaughn say, "I think I'll have the salad, please."

... the puck?

Issue date: July 1, 2002

Don't miss The Life of Reilly (Total/SPORTS ILLUSTRATED, $22.95) -- a best-of compilation of Rick Reilly's columns and features, with a foreword written by Charles Barkley, available now at bookstores everywhere.

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