The Bond Alternatives

Ever since Dr No in 1962, James Bond’s fingerprints have been all over the action genre like it was a modified Walther PPK. In the subsequent 50 years, nearly every hero that’s followed in his footsteps – some obviously, some less so – has owed something to MI6’s top agent, and so we've decided to round up a few of the top debtors. It’s 007’s world, and all these other guys just live in it. Maybe he should charge rent.

Our Man Flint (1966)

Before there was Austin Powers and Johnny bastard English, there was Derek Flint: lover, fighter, man-about-town and ZOWIE (Zonal Organization for World Intelligence and Espionage) agent extraordinaire. When an evil organization of mad scientists start tinkering with natural disasters, Flint is hauled out of his space-age batchelor lifestyle and back into the field, armed with his trusty lighter (“This has 82 different functions, 83 is you wish to light a cigar”) and James Coburn’s pure Old Spice charisma.

Most Bondian moment: Canoodling with a bed full of dolly birds, having saved the world. Again.

True Lies (1994)

With Bond at a low ebb in the early 90s - out-budgeted, out-box-officed and up a legal creek - Schwarzenegger nobly stepped into the tux with this super-sized spy caper from Jim Cameron. Arnie plays ‘computer salesman’ Harry Tasker, whose real day job as an Omega Sector agent revolves around the wholesale destruction of whatever he comes near, quipping a lot and maybe saving the world from terrorists. Arnie can’t sell Harry’s charm like Bond does but he certainly shares 007’s ‘sensitive’ attitude towards women, forcing his wife to strip for his amusement.

Most Bondian moment: Harry removing his wetsuit to reveal a tux underneath a la Goldfinger.

The Ipcress File (1965)

By the mid-60s, MI6 apparently had its pick of top agents – including Boysie Oakes (The Liquidator) and Quiller (The Quiller Memorandum) – as every two-bit spy novel in Britain was being picked up like VD at a Charlie Sheen party. At the back of the class, lobbing spitballs at the nine-to-fivers, was Harry Palmer in The Ipcress File. Cool, sharp and with a genuine disregard for authority, Caine’s performance turned him into an instant icon of British cool.

Most Bondian moment: Forty years before Daniel Craig got his undercarriage renovated in Casino Royale, Palmer was undergoing a somewhat-trippier torture sequence himself.

Enter The Dragon (1973)

While everyone remembers the badass karate, mega riot and hall-of-mirrors finale of Enter The Dragon, few remember that Bruce Lee's character was reluctantly attending Han’s games at the behest of the British government, investigating a suspected heroin racket. The action still makes The Man With The Golden Gun’s karate dust up look like morris dancing

Most Bondian moment: A sharp-suited Lee is briefed by typically stiff British handler Braithwaite.

Condorman (1981)

Swap Bond’s perfectly fitted tux for a shonky bird costume and you’ve got Condorman, Disney’s most ill-fated live-action project of all time (yup, even after John Carter). Sporting a spotty American accent, Michael Crawford plays the buffoonish cartoonist Woody who tries to live the life of his superhero creation, accidentally stumbling ass-backwards into a Cold War confection of girls, gadgets and goons – the villain even sports an eye patch. Awesome theme tune though.

Most Bondian moment: Woody’s gyspy caravan detaches, revealing a modded Nova Stirling kit car underneath, complete with machine guns. “Incredible” exhales defecting Russkie Barbara Carrera, getting ready for her turn in Never Say Never Again.

Teen Agent (1991)

…or if you’re from the US, the less snappily and even-less accurately, If Looks Could Kill. Taking the premise that every kid wants to be 007 to its logical conclusion, Teen Agent – and we also see you hiding there, Stormbreaker and Agent Cody Banks – has the world’s oldest child Richard Grieco and his mullet get mistaken for an undercover CIA agent and sent off to smirk around Europe with the aid of some Q branch rejects and The Who’s Roger Daltrey.

Most Bondian moment: There’s gadgets, girls, action, etc, but the blatant product placement is perhaps the most relevant lift. LA Gear anyone?

Inception (2010)

While Inception’s intricate Russian Doll dreams might seem a world away from 007, it’s pretty clear from the third-act snow fortress assault that student Ariadne – the architect of the landscapes that the dreamers charge through – has a poster of Bond’s iconic set designer Ken Adam on her wall and Chris Nolan has seen You Only Live Twice and For Your Eyes Only a lot.

Most Bondian moment: The ski chase has more than a hint of OHMSS about it, too. Maybe Nolan could start thinking about adding his fingerprints to another iconic franchise?

The Pink Panther (2006)

At one point in the early 00s, it was so blindingly obvious that Clive Owen was going to be the next James Bond - perhaps in a more serious take on the character than Brosnan - that it was almost an open joke. When Eon opted to go for some jug-eared blond instead, Owen got a giggle out of all the chatter, sending the part up a treat as tuxedoed 006, before delivering more full-blooded takes on the espionage game in The International and Shadow Dancer. Still, at least someone got a laugh out of the Pink Panther.

More Bondian moment: Demanding a ridiculous cocktail at the casino table.

Salt (2010)

Girls in Bond’s world have the life expectancy of a knackered fruit fly. But anything the men can do, Angelina Jolie can do better, sexier and with a snarl on her lips – here playing framed superspy Evelyn Salt, forced to utilize every trick in her make-up box to unravel the conspiracy. The irony is that the role was originally custom-built for a man, with Jolie finding it in Tom Cruise’s reject bin. But while the character undergoes a cinematic cut-and-tuck, Jolie ensure that it’s still got colossal balls.

Most Bondian moment: The escape from the SUV– nutting one agent through a window and then driving it off the guardrail onto the road below.

Mission: Impossible (1996)

Tom Cruise, your mission, should you accept it, is to revamp an old TV spy show but give it a more modern makeover, creating a relevant action hero complete with all James Bond’s resourcefulness, gadgets, derring-do and flame retardancy, but jettisoning his boorish dinosaur-ness. You will visit exotic locations, meet erotic ladies (whom you will treat respectfully), do some really ridiculous stunts and save the world a lot. Please keep an eye out for rival faux-007s Jason Bourne and Xander Cage. This article will finish in one sentence.

Most Bondian moment: Using the explosive chewing gum to detonate the glass aquarium, allowing Ethan to escape into the Eastern European backdrop.