Battered for wearing an ugly cardigan: Young woman whose boyfriend beat her for two years shares her terrifying ordeal

  • Nikki Howes started a relationship with 'charming' David when she was 18 and had no idea of the monster he would become
  • He would drink excessively and violently attack her
  • Abuse would be prompted by smallest thing such as what clothes she wore
  • He would always beg for forgiveness and she had nobody to turn to
  • After more than two years, she eventually escaped after calling her father when she feared David would kill her
  • Now she works as a counsellor to help others

By Lucy Waterlow

|


Survivor: After becoming free of a violent relationship, Nikki Howes has trained to be a counsellor so she can help others

Survivor: After becoming free of a violent relationship, Nikki Howes has trained to be a counsellor so she can help others

When Nikki Howes attended art college when she was 18 with a black eye, her alarmed friends asked her what had happened.

'I was mugged,' she told them - one of the many lies she told during a terrifying two-and-a-half-year period when she was in fact being attacked by her boyfriend.

Nikki had met her abusive ex, David, when she started at university in Brighton and had no idea how violent he would become.

She told MailOnline: 'He was charming and fun and completely swept me off my feet. He could be intense at times but I had no idea how aggressive he could be. He was my first serious boyfriend and I had low self-esteem at the time, I was flattered by his attention.'

Nikki said their relationship moved quickly and after meeting in September 1998, she moved in with him just before Christmas.

While she had seen David drinking on nights out, she hadn't been aware just how much he was also consuming at home.

'Sometimes he would down a bottle of wine a night and more than that at weekends,' she said.

It was while he was under the influence of alcohol that he would often become violent. Nikki revealed the first time he attacked her was after they had been to his brother's birthday party. He had been wound up by something as simply as her choice of outfit.

'Before we left David had complained about the cardigan I was wearing saying it was 'ugly' and he was embarrassed to be seen with me in it,' she recalls. 'I didn't understand why it upset him so much. After his brother's party ended he also became fixated on the idea that I had flirted with one of his brother's friends.

'When we got home things got much worse. He shouted and screamed at me and was so abusive, the night ended with him punching me in the ear and throwing a mirror at me.

'The next day my ear was ringing and David was in tears, saying he was sorry and it would never happen again.'

 

This began to become a pattern in their relationship with David getting abusive over the slightest thing Nikki did and then begging her for forgiveness the next day.

Nikki said: 'He hated it if I wore clothes he didn't like or if he thought I was dressing provocatively. He'd also get mad if I did well at university and would destroy some of my artwork so I'd have to do it again.'


'He pushed me to the floor and pounded my head against it over and over. When I came free of him I locked myself in the bathroom the rest of the night, I was terrified'

She added: 'He didn't like me having friends - male or female. It got to the point where I couldn't even mention another man's name.

'Once I made the mistake of mentioning an ex when we were in the midst of boiling the kettle and he threw the water over me. Another time, he chased me with a meat cleaver when I talked about a man in my class at college.

'Then he became fixated with my female friends, he became convinced they were lesbians who wanted to sleep with me.'

It was 'crazy' Nikki admits now but she succumbed to his wishes and isolated herself more from her friends.

Terrifying: Nikki said her boyfriend abused her for more than two years, she once ended up in hospital (posed by models)

Terrifying: Nikki said her boyfriend abused her for more than two years, she once ended up in hospital (posed by models)

She also didn't turn to her family as her sister was struggling with bipolar disorder, and she didn't want to worry her parents further.

Nikki said David often went for her head and neck when he attacked her. She passed off her black eyes and bruises when people quizzed her at university as clumsiness, falling off her bike or even being mugged. 

After one particularly violent episode where he repeatedly bashed her head against the floor, Nikki ended up in hospital.

She said David showered her with gifts on her release and promised he would never hurt her again. Her vulnerability and feelings for him meant she forgave him again.


'It took me some time in counselling to understand that what had happened was not my fault'

'I was confused and frightened,' Nikki said. 'He would always be so sorry and so charming afterwards. He said he needed me and couldn't live without me.

'As I had few friends and I didn't feel like I could turn to my family, I felt like he was all I had. I had lost all my confidence and didn't feel sure of myself.'

Nikki eventually told her father what was happening after a horrific night with David in which she feared he would kill her.

She said: 'It was New Years Eve 2001 and the first time David became abusive in public when he was drunk. He was abusive to a friend of mine in a taxi, then when we were chucked out of the cab, he shouted at me the whole way home. When we got to the house, he threw me up against a wall and held my neck trying to strangle me.

'Then he pushed me to the floor and pounded my head against it over and over. When I came free of him I locked myself in the bathroom the rest of the night, I was terrified.

'In the morning I told him what he had done and told him to leave, he then picked up a knife and threatened to kill himself. I ran upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom again, not knowing what to do. I thought he would kill me. I rang my father who came and threw David and all his belongings out.'

Nikki, now 34, said it took time to get over the relationship and she lived in fear of David pursuing her for a time. He did turn up once to one of her art exhibitions and tried to friend her on Facebook but Nikki ignored him on both occasions.

She said: 'It took me some time in counselling to understand that what had happened was not my fault. I learnt about the wheel of power and control and how perpetrators use emotional as well as sometimes physical abuse to keep their victim scared. 

'It took me a long time to admit to others that I was a survivor of domestic violence as I was so full of shame that it had happened to me. The truth is it can happen to anyone.'

Control: Nikki said her ex made her feel confused and frightened, she doubted her own mind and had no confidence (posed by models)

Control: Nikki said her ex made her feel confused and frightened, she doubted her own mind and had no confidence (posed by models)

Nikki, now 34, has since rebuilt her life in London. She has trained to be a counsellor and found love again with a man who she said makes her 'very happy.' They have been together seven years and live with their pet cats.

Through the website www.hope2heal.co.uk, she now helps other people deal with their problems - whether that's surviving domestic abuse, beating addiction or coping with bereavement.

For anyone who is trapped in a cycle of abuse like she once was, she recommends they seek support as soon as possible.

'You might think it, but you are never alone,' she said. 'If you don't have friends or family you can turn to there are local services like refuges available. They can help you leave an abusive partner and help you explore your legal position.

'You can take out a restraining order or even prosecute. I wish at the time I had more knowledge about the legal system and domestic violence, as now it is too late to prosecute David.

'I can also understand why women suffering domestic violence may be afraid to leave but there are people out there who can support and empower you.'

 

The comments below have been moderated in advance.

Why stay? Do these women really think that a thug like him will ever change? I'm sorry but if you stay in an abusive relationship then that is your choice, so please don't come looking for sympathy at a later date. Even married with kids have a choice to leave. No one has to put up with a bullying thug and if they do then there is no one to blame but themselves. - PanYan, UK, United Kingdom, 12/3/2013 8:19 That is a very harsh comment. I hope you or your children don't find yourself in a similar situation. Unless you have walked in her shoes perhaps you ought to hold back a bit.

Click to rate     Rating   56

Sadly this man is with someone now, their abusive behaviour never ends, only with their death.

Click to rate     Rating   30

"There will probably be a lot of comments on this along the lines of "can't understand why she didn't leave him". If you are unlucky enough for it to happen to you in a subsequent relationship, you probably will find it quite easy to leave. It's the first experience that teaches you that lesson the hard way." It happened to me with my first girlfriend and I walked out after less than two months. Having experienced an abusive relationship I honestly have no sympathy for people who won't just get up and leave. Then, "It's not quite as simple as just "getting out" these men are very manilpulative in a way you can only understand if you have been in this sort of relationship, you feel it's your fault" - who cares? They treat you badly, you leave. End of story, no compromise, no reasoning, you just make a clean break and walk out.

Click to rate     Rating   16

glad she got away. terrible story.

Click to rate     Rating   36

So many red arrows for common sense, yet all the amateur psychobabble gets the green ones. Unbelievable. I don't care how much in love someone is, if you stay around for another slap then quite frankly, you deserve it. I wouldn't put up with my husband raising his voice to me, let alone his hand!

Click to rate     Rating   50

Why stay? Do these women really think that a thug like him will ever change? I'm sorry but if you stay in an abusive relationship then that is your choice, so please don't come looking for sympathy at a later date. Even married with kids have a choice to leave. No one has to put up with a bullying thug and if they do then there is no one to blame but themselves.

Click to rate     Rating   104

My friend married her abusive partner of 14 years

Click to rate     Rating   1

Did she not call the police?? I don't understand- yes she left him, but is he now free to be doing this to somebody else??

Click to rate     Rating   30

I'm impressed she is using her traumatic experience to help others but I hope she also went to the police over his behaviour. Once out of the situation she had a responsibility to society to ensure he is not in a position to harm other women. He is a danger to society and should be locked away for a long tone.

Click to rate     Rating   52

Once they show you who/what they are, believe it!!!!

Click to rate     Rating   45

The views expressed in the contents above are those of our users and do not necessarily reflect the views of MailOnline.

You have 1000 characters left.
Libellous and abusive comments are not allowed. Please read our House Rules.
For information about privacy and cookies please read our Privacy Policy.
Terms