'Women think men are always up for it': Sex expert Tracey Cox reveals the five mistakes women make in bed

• Assuming the sex is over when the man is and that men are not emotional about sex are just two of the things that stop women being great lovers
  

By Tracey Cox

PUBLISHED: 10:43 EST, 22 May 2013 | UPDATED: 10:52 EST, 22 May 2013

Sex expert Tracey Cox says that women can be to blame for sagging love lives and identifies five main mistakes

We’d all like to think we’re brilliant in bed but the truth is it takes more than great technique to be a good lover. Are you guilty of any of the following common carnal sins?

We think men are always ready for and always want sex

If you’re talking a 17-year-old who’s just landed his first girlfriend, you’re quite right. It’s likely he will walk, talk, daydream and want to have sex every waking second (and when he’s not as well).

But once a man hits his mid-20s (and often before), other parts of his life start to become equally as important and all that energy and focus is needed elsewhere.

Real life dampens a lot of men’s sex drives more efficiently than a bucket of water poured over a solitary lit match.

Work, stress, pressure, bills, arguments – they all stop him (and you!) feeling like sex, all day, every day. He’s not like your vibrator – you can’t just plug him in and expect him to perform on cue. This is why we own vibrators. There’s a man attached to that penis!

We think sex is over once he’s done

Yes, this is often the case. A selfish or misguided lover will collapse into a heap, say ‘That was great!’ and leave you dry and sadly not high.

But while his bits might be temporarily out of action, there’s nothing wrong with other part of him, like his hands or his mouth.

What’s to stop you saying to him, ‘Hey, we’re not finished yet’ and asking him to continue stimulating you?

If his orgasm seriously has wiped him out (and in his defence, his body is flooded with ‘sleep’ hormones immediately after orgasm), explain to him that you need to have yours before he does.

Women often think sex is over when a man is finished, but this doesn't have to be the case says Tracey

We don’t realise sex is more than just sex to men

Men often have sex to feel wanted.

Granted, it’s hard to accept he’s really after affection when he has one hand up your jumper and the other diving up your skirt. But it just might be the case.

Sex for men appears to be a primal form of giving - it’s a way for him to feel accepted both physically and emotionally.

Because some men still aren’t as verbose or comfortable with expressing emotion as women are, sex tends to be used as a means of showing his love and getting close to you.

So, if he really wants to say ‘I love you’, he may suggest sex. If he feels emasculated at work, sex with you could well make him feel manly again. If he’s feeling all vulnerable after a health scare, sex is his way of proving to himself he doesn’t have to go through it alone.

All of this means when you reject sex with him, you’re not just rejecting sex. In his eyes, you’re effectively saying ‘I don’t like or want you’. Adopt a new philosophy: don’t say no, say when and always make it clear you’re saying no to sex, not a cuddle or cosy chat.

We don’t give men any instructions

His sexual system is simple. If he wants sex, his penis gets hard, he wiggles it about a bit in a nice, warm snug spot and he has an orgasm. It’s join-the-dots stuff.

Giving your man instructions in bed and trying new things are crucial to improving your sex life

Einstein would have had problems figuring out a female’s sexual system – it’s complicated!

If you don’t show or tell him how to touch you – when, where, how hard, how fast, in as much detail as possible – you might as well both give up there and then.

We over-react when he suggests trying something new

If your partner came home and said, ‘Do you know what, honey? I’ve had a chicken sandwich every day for lunch for the past two months so I might try the tuna tommorrow’, you would think, ‘How the hell did he manage to eat the same thing every day for that long?’. In short, you’d think it was totally understandable – which it is.

Why then, do most of us become paranoid when our partner dares to suggest a change to their sexual menu?

Most couples do the equivalent of eating chicken sandwiches day in, day out, year in, year out.

We follow exactly the same pattern each time we have sex. Wanting change is nothing to be threatened by. It’s a simple, human need for variety.

Tracey Cox's new book Dare: What Happens When Fantasies Come True is published by Hodder and Stoughton (£7.99 paperback, £4.99 kindle); her book and the Dare product range is now available from www.traceycox.com.

Read more from Tracey Cox on her MailOnline blog here