Rowan Pelling's sex advice column: Can I trust a friend to keep my affair secret?

My husband's best female friend became a close pal of mine too
I confided in her but regret it as I now feel emotionally blackmailed
Rowan: It's possible that she's always envied you and your marriage

PUBLISHED: 16:02 EST, 9 June 2013 | UPDATED: 16:02 EST, 9 June 2013

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QUESTION: My husband’s best female friend became a close pal of mine, too. Eight years ago our marriage went through a rough patch and I had a brief affair and confided in her.

She didn’t tell my husband, but she’s taken to dropping hints ('our secret' sort of thing) in front of him and I’m beginning to feel emotionally blackmailed.

Worse, she’s now divorced and keeps flirting with my spouse, whom she’s always fancied. What do I do?

Will she tell? She had an affair and told her husband's best female friend but now feels emotionally blackmailed

More from Rowan Pelling...

ANSWER: Well, you’ve learnt a lesson the hard way: when you choose a confidante for tales of marital infidelity, pick someone who owes more loyalty to you than your spouse. Yes, she was your friend, too, but only after she’d known your husband for years.

Those early alliances are formative and go deeper than you think. I have watched people separate after decades together, believing they will stay in touch with all their spouse’s good friends.

It’s sadly true that some women are possessive of their male friends and are never totally reconciled to their choice of wife.

Clearly this woman falls into that category. It’s possible she always envied you and your marriage, and was waiting for you to make a mistake. If her own marriage has proved unhappy and ended badly, she’s likely to feel you don’t deserve your ‘unsuspecting’ husband.

Whatever the truth of her motivation, she is reminding you in the starkest way that she has a strong hold over you.

If you want to erase the power of this woman, confess the affair to your husband. Then tell him you deeply regret what happened and love him more than anyone on the planet.

I admit, however, it’s a high-risk strategy, especially if your husband is a jealous, insecure or volatile type. Having said that, my observation is that good marriages, with solid foundations, are usually able to withstand one foolish indiscretion — particularly if the person who strayed is truly remorseful.

Alternatively, you could just crouch down and prepare to ride this one out.

Tackling this female 'friend' is only likely to make her feel more resentful and hostile, in which case it’s worth sitting her down and saying to her that you made a huge mistake, you regret it every day of your life, but you’d like to draw a line under things.

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Never tell a secret to anyone, it's no longer a secret.

- Elle , France, 11/6/2013 08:58

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never tell anyone your secrets.... ever - Bonny, Argyll and Bute¿¿¿¿¿. because you¿ll look back and ask your self ¿ what the hell was that all about, I must have been insane.

- Jamie , Twickenham, United Kingdom, 11/6/2013 05:28

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If you can't keep your own secret, why would you expect others to be able to keep your betrayal a secret?

- Jubal , Seattle, United States, 11/6/2013 04:08

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What do I do? Really? You didn't ask anyone that back when you went through your "Rough Patch" and did the deed or the betrayal as I CALL it. why ask now? Next time keep such info to yourself. Just saying, what was the purpose of spilling the beans as they say anyway? You reap what you sow. End of story.

- Chris M. Tatum , Paris, France, 10/6/2013 23:08

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Keep it in your pants and you don't have a problem! Simple!

- Tom , Glasgow, 10/6/2013 21:53

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secret is called secret because it is a secret. keep it to yourself and take it to your grave.

- man4allseasons , washington dc, United States, 10/6/2013 20:07

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I have one friend and I trust her no matter all the shady so called friends from the past. But I agree. Why to his best friend? Unless deep down inside at some point during her hurt time. She wanted him to find out. Either way I feel for her.

- xela_33020 , Boca Raton, United States, 10/6/2013 18:52

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I tell NOTHING ..a lesson I learned the hard way . No matter how good of a friend that u THINK someone is , the day always comes when they blab your personal business ..ALWAYS.

- missdrcooke , Burlington, United States, 10/6/2013 18:23

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Confiding in someone is easier than living with what you've done but If you can't keep secrets to yourself, why expect other people to do so?

- Ace , Central Europe, 10/6/2013 17:49

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to TheGreatBambino, you either truly walk on water or deluded. People do make mistakes and whilst I certainly do not condone this woman, if all is well now, why cause a ruckus. Sometimes silence is golden, instead of all this spilling your guts crap. Eddie Izzard once said that he would not walk round his own head without an adult. Move on, lesson learned!

- old ex pat , Perth, Australia, 10/6/2013 17:35

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