Monday, July 01, 2013

Thoughts on DOMA and Continuing to Love the People who Support it


Last Wednesday, while I was getting ready for work, I made the mistake of reading the comments under a Youtube video arguing for separation of marriage and religion. DOMA had not yet been repealed, and the comments made me so furious I cried all the way to work. The writer in the video, John Green, explained why marriage is not and has not ever traditionally been a religious union between two people under God, so the arguments for protecting traditional marriage are unfounded. A view I agree with wholeheartedly but many of the commenters did not. One in particular commented that "the gays always wanted more"; we were kind enough to give them a civil union, but, of course, that wasn't enough for the gays who continue to fight for the rights awarded to all other American citizens.

The commenters indignation at gay people fighting against discrimination made me feel so hopeless. How am I supposed to live in a world with people who think like this? Who honestly believe so wholeheartedly in their worldview that they expect to be allowed to make a group of people miserable, rob them of the right to love who they love, make taxes a living nightmare (not to mention the horror that gay couples face when one of them becomes ill or is not an American citizen), and then demand the people they are oppressing be grateful for whatever small mercies are awarded to them?  

Then I remembered that I not only live in a world populated with people who think just like that but that I even love some of them. 

My mother is one of the most sincerely emphatic people I have ever met. She carries the pain of each of her children as if it is hers and this wholeheartedness extends to everyone else, too. If I picture my mother, I almost always see her eyes filling with tears as she tells the story of someone's suffering, bearing witness to their pain. But my mother is also Christian. Not that this is a failing (and in many cases it is not) but there are always limitations that come with modeling your life by one theology: You become rigid on some things that require flexibility, distracted by abstract ideas and differences in belief when you should be focusing on people and the inherent similarities of being part of the same species. 

On a recent visit, my mother asked why I had all but abandoned a religion that I was raised with and that continues to be a focal point of her and my father's life. The answer is complicated, as personal beliefs often are, and in the moment all I could think to say was: "I don't like the way the church has historically oppressed women and I do not like the way they are currently oppressing gay people". I know this is a blanket statement and it is not true of all churches or Christians, but a lot of the people currently opposing gay marriage do so on the basis of their religion. 

My mother, a caring, emphatic, sensitive woman whose happiness I want even more than my own, answered: "Yeah, the gay thing is tough."

It's not tough though; not to me. It's incredibly clear to me that DOMA was despicable in its cruelty and that denying anyone the right to love who they love is not only hateful but absurd. My mother cannot see what is so clear to me, though. Her bible, in which she finds comfort and the reason for her life, tells her that being gay is wrong and she believes it. She doesn't consider the humans involved. This is what we all do when we believe in being right more than we believe in being kind: We forget about people. 

It is so easy to hate the strangers leaving comments on Youtube videos and the politicians who lobby for DOMA; it is not easy to hate my mother for not sharing my views. I find myself trying to understand her reasoning because I recognize her humanity and I want to love her. I know that she is not a hateful person, and in knowing that I begin to think that all the people who oppose gay marriage are not fundamentally hateful either. They are just so convinced that what they believe is right that they forget about people, about the reality of what they're lobbying for. I wish that those opposing gay marriage would stop thinking about ideas or traditions or what they think is right and instead think about people. 

Imagine having a five year old son who is funny and adorable and the center on which your Universe spins. He is self-aware enough to know that he wants to play house with Timmy and not Sally, that he wants to grow up to marry someone like daddy and not mommy. Would you tell that child that he is wonderfully and fearfully made but the part of him that loves boys is broken and unnatural? Would you tell him that you were going to do everything to help him get "fixed"? That you would pray unceasingly for his healing and if his healing did not come, you would pray that he would have the strength to live a celibate life? 

And if he grew up and realized he could not live celibate, could not accept that he was in fact unnatural and broken, would you expect him to live as if he was not deserving of the rights awarded to everyone else? Could you look at this boy you brought into the world and see him as less deserving of happiness than anyone else?

I like to believe that nobody could. I want to believe that love would overwhelm the desire to cling to beliefs that hurt people. Every single gay person is someone's son or daughter. They're every bit as human as you and me and they're deserving in every single way of the rights to marry who they love (an argument that is so obvious, I can't believe I have to make it).

I am so happy that DOMA got repealed, and I am going to continue to hope for the day when gay marriage isn't even an issue. I am going to continue to believe unceasingly in the inherent goodness of people and hope for the day that everyone is able to shape their beliefs by what is best for people, by what shows the most love instead of what makes them feel the most right. 

Photo Credit: See-ming Lee 李思明 SML via Compfight cc

10 comments :

  1. You raise some really great points here. I think we tend to want to villify those with other opinions and it is helpful to remember that although they are people with differing thoughts, they are still people, worthy of love. I think recognizing this gives us power to effect change because the "other" becomes more like ourselves and we can treat them with compassion and maybe introduce new ideas from a place of love, instead of anger.

    Oppression boggles my mind. I took a class with that theme that emphasized how we all experience some levels of oppression in some area or time of our life. With that being true, it is hard to understand how some people continue to want to oppress others. It's a good reminder that you pose - it's not malicious evil intent, people (like your mom, or my aunt!) are merely operating within a rigid set of flawed principles.

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    1. Absolutely agree with your "other" point. I think that often those who argue against gay marriage do so because they think of homosexuals as "other" and are unable to think of how they have the same desire for love and equality as everyone else.

      I tend to think that very few people are truly evil & instead just misguided or unable or unwilling to change deeply ingrained perspectives.

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  2. Yes, to all of this. I know there will be a day where it is no longer a controversial issue, but that doesn't make it any less maddening to see and hear all the things people are doing and saying to try to prevent that.

    I love that we both wrote about this today. It's something that is constantly on my mind and I've been so happy ever since DOMA was repealed.

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  3. Shan, I do consider the humans involved, and I love them and bear them no hatred or anger whatsoever, but as I do believe in God and his written word, I don't agree with same sex relationships. Saying that, I would not join a anti gay protest. I feel for people who find themselves attracted to and in love with the same gender and it is up to them to be and do how they feel comfortable.

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  4. I have this same issue. My father is a very intelligent man and also extremely compassionate but he doesn't think that gay marriage should be legal. I've debated him extensively on the subject and he feels that ultimately, it's not good for society. I think it's important to always at first remain objective and do your best to see things from all points of view however I struggle when I see what is so obviously to me a violation of basic human rights, to remain respectful of the opposing opinions. Good on you for thinking outside of your comfort zone.

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  5. Last year, our Theology teacher asked as to write about our issues with the church and one of the things I wrote about was the discrimination with gays. If we were created equally, then why are we hindering love and marriage (the greatest commitment of all) to our fellow human beings. Love was made for all of us and to oppress this because some people believe this is not the natural way of life? It's pure madness. I hope other people will read this post Shannon. That it will lift the shades in their eyes and see that gays are humans, not weird people, not some kind of disease.

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  6. I was glad to hear about DOMA being struck down, and I rejoiced with my American friends who will be reaping the benefits of this right move in history. Even though I am not American, there is still a divide between the generations in my family regarding this issue, which definitely has to do with religion. We used to bump heads often, but now, I am calmed by the fact that most of us in this generation can outlive the prejudice and bigotry of the past. In fact, parts of this world are already taking steps in the direction for human rights and progress, and a conversion towards love and world-wide acceptance will be a gradual one. I do hope that all of us will be around when sexual orientation will no longer be an issue.

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  7. Great post! I struggle with this in my family too: how can my family members be such loving people and then still feel x way about y thing? How can they not see that having oppressive opinions and feeling that the LGBTQ community shouldn't be treated equally isn't loving and Christian? And even the excuse "they think they are right" shouldn't fly...it doesn't fly for bigotry or racism anymore, and it's beginning not to be acceptable for homophobia either. It's hard to embrace the good parts of someone and just take the bad parts with it, but for family, sometimes that's how it has to be.

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  8. I've have this discussion a lot lately, mostly with other people my age who are in the same situation as me: totally for gay marriage and shying away from our religious roots, and then having to figure out how to navigate those religious roots and the people we love who don't believe the same things we do. My parents are both super liberal and are totally for gay rights and gay marriage, but my mom's side of the family (most/all of my cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents), are very fundamental, conservative Christians, and they believe the complete opposite. And it's so easy to get mad at and hate on random strangers who have those values, but it becomes ten million times more complicated when it's my family members, who I know to be loving and wonderful people. It kind of gives you perspective into what they're going through - finding it easy to be mad at and hate on random strangers who are gay and who challenge their beliefs. The power of religion and faith is pretty amazing, which can be both good and bad.

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  9. I knew there was a reason I like John Green, in addition to his beautiful writing. I really like (and agree with) the point that you made about how people like your mom are very caring but because of their religion they are limited and make exceptions for certain things. I tell my husband that the human race is filled with exceptional people, in that they are constantly making exceptions. Maybe that's harsh but that's how I feel as of late.

    I guess I just don't understand why people are worried about the choices in other people's lives. Now if my neighbor were building a bomb, then I'd probably be a tad worried. But who they love? I was talking to a friend who "became atheist" two years ago and he explained just how much they teach you to meddle in the lives of others and "fix" others to follow your beliefs. I just don't get such a teaching.

    Thanks for this post of yours Shannon. I found your website after your comment on Mandy's DOMA post and so I came straight over here to read your thoughts. Cheers to ya!

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