Rowan Pelling's sex advice column: Why won't he move in with me?

Sometimes moving in with your man can cause problems
Living 'together apart' is no longer unusual or unreasonable

PUBLISHED: 16:15 EST, 8 September 2013 | UPDATED: 16:15 EST, 8 September 2013

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Moving in: Nowadays, it's not unusual or unreasonable to be 'together apart'

QUESTION: My partner of five years doesn't want to move in with me because he fears our love life will become stale. He says over-familiarity ended sex between him and his ex-wife.

But I miss him when he's not with me and fear he might be out, flirting with someone else. Is it unwise to make this a make-or-break condition?

ANSWER: Is the real issue here that you're not sure of your mans lasting attachment? It seems strange to worry he's out flirting if you've been together for five years.

Do you have grounds for distrust? Does he overdo the charm with other women when you're together, or disappear for nights without telling you what he's doing?

If yes, you should end this relationship, not cement it.

But, if no, you're clearly reacting to someone from your history, such as an unfaithful ex, rather than your boyfriend himself. If you tend to be clingy or suspicious with your partner, he may have good grounds to fear suffocation if he moves in with you.

Nowadays, it's not unusual, or unreasonable, to be 'together apart'. It particularly suits older couples, more set in their ways and without young children to consider.

It means each half of the couple can live as they like, without rows about mess, money and the TV remote that may have ruined past relationships.

Your partner has a point about sex staying fresher with separate dwellings: there's greater spontaneity and excitement without domestic routine. Eroticism is heightened by teasing uncertainty about what will unfold that night.

The end of romance? Living together can eliminate the spontaneity and excitement in a relationship

It's also romantic to take turns to be the pampered guest or doting host — something many people lose quite early in a relationship. There's also less chance of demoralising rejection ('I'm not in the mood' or 'I'm exhausted').

More from Rowan Pelling...

We tend to make more effort with sex when we know our beloved's presence isn't a certainty: there's an imperative to seduce one another.

One friend told me she used to walk to her partner's flat wearing a corset and camiknickers under a trenchcoat — it's far harder to pull off that trick when you share a house.

Which is not to say I don't have sympathy with you. Love is a complex balance between cosy camaraderie and simmering desire. You may lose some erotic tension when a partner moves in, but you gain domestic security.

The problem is that your man equates living together with the end of romance — which is not surprising if sex petered out in his marriage.

Try the art of persuasion. Suggest a fortnight at one house to see how it goes. If he resists all such ideas, you need to ask yourself whether you love this man enough to accept the restrictions.

Are you absolutely certain you wouldn't get a little bored or irate with your partner if he was in your space 24/7?

Bear in mind how hard it is to find a soulmate in middle age and that relationships mean compromise.

I'll leave you with this . . . You feel your partner's separate home demonstrates a lack of commitment to you, but couldn't it equally show a steadfast devotion to keeping love alive?

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"But I miss him when he's not with me and fear he might be out, flirting with someone else" >>>>>>>>>>>>>> If you think that you shouldn't be asking him to move in with you in the first place, if you have no trust even after 5 years there's obviously something wrong.

- Necessary Advocate , Teesside, United Kingdom, 09/9/2013 08:29

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This relationship isn't going anywhere. On the plus side she won't end up having to give him half her house/flat (assuming its bought) after two years which is what he can claim as a co-habitee. Why do women want to settle for so little? If he likes it he should put a ring on it as the song goes and this isn't going to happen here!

- Citygirl , Manchester, 09/9/2013 08:12

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He could totally be out seeing other women even if you're living together, it happens in lots of couples. Living together apart is no guarantee for a happy sex life either, though.

- Barbara , Bellinzona, Switzerland, 09/9/2013 07:49

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He's keeping his options open and so should you, don't waste another 5yrs.

- sarah , usa, United States, 09/9/2013 07:41

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It's an age thing. I agree with the advice if they are our age 40s/50s plus and had families already. If they are both 20s or 30s and would have babies together etc then of course move to someone who wants to marry and have children together.

- EnglishRose , London, United Kingdom, 09/9/2013 07:33

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She should finish with him and meet someone else who is more loyal and committed. Five years is pretty long to be living apart and not living together yet. He's keeping his options open I reckon. Once he finds out she's with another man, he'll propose to her.

- Minnie the Minx , UK, 09/9/2013 07:23

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This is terrible, terrible advice. Does Rowan think this is his girlfriend in disguise? That's the only thing I can think of that would compel him to answer her in this manner. No, sweetie, your man is biding his time until something better comes along. If you have to chase him for an answer, you have your answer. He's said No to moving in, and that's not going to change. Persuasion is ludicrous. A man will not decide he misses you after five years. He just won't. Cut and Run. Emphasis on Run.

- seonaid2u , Glasgow, 09/9/2013 06:17

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Two rents or mortgages is also a big factor, most people couldn't choose that lifestyle. I agree that being 'together apart' can work in certain situations but we don't know if this is one - I think if he will not move in now, even under pressure, there is a chance he never will progress the relationship beyond what it is. If she wants children with him, or to at some point have a more shared life, then that could be a problem. He might just be a typical bloke needing a bit of a push to commit, or he might be have very different ideas about the relationship. He at least should listen to her side of what she wants, and be ready to compromise. If he just thinks they work better with their own space, that is one thing - but if it is really all sex/romance he is concerned with could be issues in the long haul - would he stick around to care for her if she were sick? I would want some answers to important questions before sticking around with his proposed arrangements.

- SARA , london, 09/9/2013 06:00

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If he doesn't wanna move in with you, he's not ready for the commitment. It's all well and good to live apart for a long time and still date but moving in takes a way a lot from the freedom on both sides. I don't want to move in with my partner of a year. Prior that, I moved in with someone after 3 years and I felt suffocated so broke it off. I wasn't ready for it...... I just wasn't and 3 years into it, I thought not being able to make the commitment means that we were done. In very rare cases, may not be the case but that is extremely unusual here.....

- Lola on the bridge , London, United Kingdom, 09/9/2013 05:15

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I have been in a 2yr relationship with a twice married 45yr old man... We see each other at the fri, sat and Sunday... I sit at home alone all week willing my mobile to beep or ring... He has never said he loves me... He won't live with me or marry me, I've asked him outright.... We get along fabulously... An old flame has by chance popped into my life... He has declared his utter devotion to me... My life with him would be extremely comfortable, easy and I know he would shower me in love... But I just can't walk away from Mr 2 years.... Help!!

- Chairman Meow , Cambridge, 09/9/2013 05:05

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