Wednesday
Aug222012

Thank you, Congressman Akin

It's been nearly three years since our last post.  The Republican party hasn't been showing us much love.  Sure, they've been threatening to do away with the Violence Against Women Act.  And of course, they've been hard at work requiring rapes for abortion seekers.  What have they have been doing for us, the die-hard rape enthusiasts?

Todd Akin knows what I'm talking about.  He's a rape connoisseur, just like us.  Barack Obama has a palate so unrefined that he thinks "rape is rape."  Todd knows better than that.

See, Todd knows that some rape is legitimate, and some rape isn't.

If you try to have sex with a woman, and she says no, and you do it anyway, now that's a legitimate rape.

If you try to have sex with a woman, she says no, you continue your attempt, and she says yes before penetration occurs, then the rape is basically ruined.  Not a legitimate rape!

If you and a woman arrange for a little consensual rape play, I gotta tell you, that ain't rape.  That's poser rape, completely illegitimate.

Todd knows that some rape is forcible, and some isn't.  Forcible rape often has bloody finish, as well as a nose that is frequently broken.  If you're worried that the strong taste of forcible rape might overpower everything else you have planned, you may want to pair your evening with another rape variety.  Statutory rape is light-bodied, though it can be very hard to find a decent vintage.  Consult a rape sommelier if you're have trouble making a selection.

I want to thank you, Congressman Akin.  If not for you, I might have stayed home in November.  Now I'm legitimately excited about the Republican Party again!

P.S. Akin may be one of us, but he's not keen on biology.  Remember to protect yourself from unwanted rape babies, everyone!

Monday
Oct262009

Oklahama: A True Friend

Man, Oklahoma is really kicking it up a notch.

Both of Oklahoma's senators vote Nay on Franken's Amendment, and that's fantastic, only three out of four Senate Republicans gave us that kind of support.  Now, as a commenter on an earlier post has pointed out, Oklahoma has put in place a law requiring rape for abortion seekers.  That's kind of an oxymoron, I guess.  Only sluts get abortions and you can't rape the willing!  Hah!  The AP reports:

Abortion rights supporters have challenged two new Oklahoma laws that would give the state some of the strictest abortion laws in the country by forcing women to answer questions about race and their relationships, and to listen to a doctor talk them through an ultrasound.

...

Opponents of the laws, including the New York-based Center for Reproductive Rights, have sued to stop them from taking effect, arguing that both were rolled into larger bills, violating a state constitutional provision requiring bills pertain to a single subject. A district court judge issued a temporary order this week preventing the questionnaire law from taking effect.

Another district court judge overturned the other law, which would require women seeking abortions to undergo an ultrasound and to have a doctor talk them through what they're seeing. The law would require a doctor to use a vaginal transducer in the earliest stages of pregnancy, since that provides the clearest image when the fetus is small. The method is more invasive than the abdominal ultrasounds most pregnant women undergo.

The state has appealed that decision to the Oklahoma Supreme Court. In the meantime, lawmakers who backed the abortion laws have said they'd likely resubmit them as separate measures during the next legislative session.

I applaud you, Oklahoma, in your quest for mandatory rape, and I am praying for your victory in your fight to uphold these laws against the dictates of these activist judges!

Saturday
Oct242009

Kathleen Parker at WaPo questions our authenticity

I guess all press is good press, but Kathleen Parker doesn't get it:

So the question is this: Do you support rape?

And, of course, no one (except a rapist) does, right?

Yet, 30 Republican members of the U.S. Senate have been getting phone calls lately from people asking, "Why do you support rape?"

These callers most likely are familiar with the fake Web site RepublicansForRape.org, which recounts the recent skirmish over Sen. Al Franken's "anti-rape" amendment to the Senate defense appropriations bill.

For something so un-funny, the subject has become an exercise in the absurd.

A fake website?  Now that is absurd!  Let me be clear.  This movement is real.  It is so true and so real that some might describe it as trill.

We all agree on two things.  First, the Republican party is the best party in the world.  Our party is the party of record low taxes and near record high deficits.  Our party is the party of free market solutions for the things that we like and paternalism for the things that we don't like.  Our party espouses Christian values.  Our party makes war.  Our party will always stand against socialist programs and government healthcare; except for Social Security, Medicare, Tricare, Medicaid, and others that are too popular to publicly oppose.  Our party is undeniably incredible.

Second, being a "victim" of rape is, at best, a minor inconvenience and can be acceptably swept under the rug.  Binding arbitration can and does deliver sufficient remedies for "victims" of gang rapes so breathtaking that the victim requires reconstructive surgery.  I can't provide any examples of restitution because the proceedings of such cases are kept secret.  There's nothing wrong with that.  In fact, concealing these rapes from the public is the only suitable way to talk about them.  Rape techniques are trade secrets of the rapist – sexual intellectual property – and they deserve protection.

This movement is real and it is growing.  We've got a Democrat on our side now.  We will not go gentle into that good night.

Thursday
Oct222009

Senator Daniel Inouye: An ally across the aisle?

Great news, folks!

We might be a minority in Congress, but that doesn't mean we can't get our way!  Senator Daniel Inouye, Democrat from Hawaii, may be intervening on our behalf.  From HuffPo:

An amendment that would prevent the government from working with contractors who denied victims of assault the right to bring their case to court is in danger of being watered down or stripped entirely from a larger defense appropriations bill.

Multiple sources have told the Huffington Post that Sen. Dan Inouye, a longtime Democrat from Hawaii, is considering removing or altering the provision, which was offered by Sen. Al Franken (D-Minn.) and passed by the Senate several weeks ago.

Inouye's office, sources say, has been lobbied by defense contractors adamant that the language of the Franken amendment would leave them overly exposed to lawsuits and at constant risk of having contracts dry up. The Senate is considering taking out a provision known as the Title VII claim, which (if removed) would allow victims of assault or rape to bring suit against the individual perpetrator but not the contractor who employed him or her.

"The defense contractors have been storming his office," said a source with knowledge of the situation. "Inouye either will get the amendment taken out altogether, or water it down significantly. If they water it down, they will take out the Title VII claims. This means that in discrimination cases, they will still force you into a secret forced arbitration on KBR's (or other contractors') own terms -- with your chances of prevailing practically zero. The House seems to be very supportive of the original Franken amendment and all in line, but their hands are tied since it originated in the Senate. And since Inouye runs the show on this bill, he can easily take it out to get Republicans and the defense contractors off his back, which looks increasingly likely."

If this article is accurate it represents fantastic news for the movement – bipartisan support for rape!

Wednesday
Oct212009

Rape "victim" Jamie Leigh Jones in her own words

From Dan Abrams on Dec 17, 2007:

Secret binding arbitration is plenty sufficient to handle this case!