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Miami New Times has never had a year quite like 2013. In January, we dropped a bomb on Major League Baseball when our Biogenesis investigation revealed a massive doping scandal in Coral Gables. In April, Michael Bay released "Pain & Gain," a major production with the Rock and Mark Wahlberg based on a New Times feature story. By the end of the year, features on a killer porn star, the troubled life of a former online cam girl and Thomas Kramer's downfall had riled and entertained the Magic City.
Check out the ten most-read features we wrote this year, and here's hoping 2014 is even wilder.
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Welcome to 2014, and the first day of your New Years resolution. Whether it be stopping smoking, losing weight, or making this the year you refuse to let the Dolphins trick you into thinking they will stop being mediocre -- we all have something we could improve in our lives. 
South Florida sports figures are no different, so we've helped them out with some suggestions for their 2014 life fixes.
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Ever since news hit yesterday that Dwyane Wade fathered a child with a mystery woman, the internet has been dabbling in amateur detective work trying to figure out who the lady is. Well, TMZ Sports reports the woman is 30-year-old Aja Metoyer, who also happens to have two kids with Damon Wayans Jr., a cast member on Happy Endings and New Girl. 
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A Florida couple went to the local Walmart to pick up some beer on a five-finger discount, but when they pulled out of the parking lot they had some extra cargo in the back of their pickup truck: a Walmart manager. The couple then drove nearly 15 miles at high speeds with the man in the back of the truck until a Good Samaritan saved the day.
Having trouble trying to sell your home? Too bad it's not a $1 million mansion. Properties in the seven figure range were selling like hot cakes this year. In fact one out of every five homes sold this year in Miami-Dade county carried a price tag at $1 million or above, according to Miami Today.
We all deluded ourselves into thinking that Lincoln Road could become some sort of quirky subversion of the suburban mall shopping experience. That the uniquely Miami culture the strip once exemplified could survive peacefully alongside giant corporations' fast fashion mega-stores. Sure, for a while it was a place where you could get khakis at the Gap and a cheap shirt from H&M; to match, but afterward you could go check out drag queens, live jazz, a sale on mystical healing crystals, literary author readings, samba lessons or any host of outré diversions that would have seemed downright bizarre in any regular mall. 
Van Dyke's Facebook
The announcement this weekend that it's closing time for the Van Dyke Cafe, the iconic restaurant and live jazz hotspot, is just the latest gut punch reminder that that era of Lincoln Road is long gone. Its character is now quickly becoming about as a bland as food court grub in a shopping mall. But we shouldn't be surprised. This is what Lincoln Road was always supposed to be, and that's sad.
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Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke addresses why the U is no longer black Miami's favorite college. 
Alex Izaguirre
At the Russell Athletic Bowl last weekend, Teddy Bridgewater and his University of Louisville teammates from Miami went on a riot. They looted the University of Miami football program they grew up rooting for and demolished it 36-9. Bridgewater and fellow Miamians Michaelee Harris, Eli Rogers, John Miller, Charles Gaines, and James Burgess Jr. showed the Canes nation that they are the ones bringing back the swagger.
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LeBron James celebrated his 29th anniversary of winning the DNA lottery with 26 points, six rebounds, and 10 assists, in a 97-94 Monday night road win over the Denver Nuggets. Newly minted Eastern Conference Player of the Week Chris Bosh chipped in 17 points and five rebounds, while Michael Beasley scored nine, three of which came with under a minute left, to put the Heat up four.
Dwyane Wade and Norris Cole were both forced to leave the game, Wade with back spasms, and Cole after smacking his head on the floor following a fast break foul. Ty Lawson had 26, including five threes in the loss. Heat fan favorite Nate Robinson was held scoreless.
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Dwyane Wade recently got engaged to long-time girlfriend Gabrielle Union and his two sons and a nephew helped out in the adorable Christmas-time proposal. But, according to gossip reports, Wade had another son who wasn't present. Gossip Cop and E! News reports that another woman gave birth to Wade's third child just months ago.
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At this point, our favorite Miami New Year's Eve tradition is the annual public reminder to not shoot your guns off into the air when the clock strikes midnight. 
Miami Mayor Tomas Regalado, Police Chief Manuel Orosa, and Miami-Dade Commissioner Audrey Edmonson along with civic and religious leaders have bound together once again for the "Just Don't Fire" campaign.
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The official deadline for David Beckham to exercise his option to own a Major League Soccer team is tomorrow, and yet there's still been no official announcement. Until then we're just relying on rumors, leaks, unofficial chatter and tabloid reports. 
At least Britain's the Daily Star is carrying an amusing if probably not entirely accurate report that Beckham is convincing just about every A-list star in America to buy minor stakes in the team. That list supposedly includes (deep breath) Tom Cruise, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith, Jay-Z and Beyoncé, Jack Nicholson, Eva Longora, LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, and Pau Gasol.
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Miami-Dade Police are still trying to figure out what happened yesterday afternoon that sent two members of a family to the hospital and another two to their graves. Police arrived to the scene at 5940 SW 103rd Place at about 4 p.m. yesterday to find a man and a woman dead, and another man and woman injured. All four were related. 
A suspect was arrested trying to escape in a speeding car.
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On November 14, 2009, two officers pulled over a 38-year-old man at the corner of Northwest 22nd Street and Fifth Avenue in the middle of the day. At some point over the next several minutes, a tussle occurred, and Corey McNeal withdrew a box cutter. Police then shot him 27 times -- some of which occurred while cops were apparently below McNeal, firing upward. 
Beyond that batch of indefinite facts, nothing else is clear of what happened that night, according to a Miami Herald report this morning. That's because the two officers involved in the fatal shooting -- Omar Ayala and George Diaz -- refused to explain what happened to investigators, who have declined to prosecute.
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Only in Florida. Every week, so many Americans mutter those words while marveling at the latest insanity to come from our state that Tallahassee really ought to put the phrase on license plates. 
Illustration by Mark Poutenis
At Miami New Times, at least a third of our work is done by those crazies. Although it helps that Florida has the most liberal public records laws in the United States, there wouldn't be any arrest reports to pull unless our fellow Floridians were supplying the system day and night with bizarre fodder.
To celebrate surviving another year of life in America's maddening tropical penis, we've compiled our annual list of the 12 biggest Florida face-palm moments of 2013. Have at it, maniacs.
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Welp. That about wraps 'er up. 
On Sunday, the Dolphins completed one of the most disappointing, weirdest, deflating and confounding seasons in Dolphins history (no small achievement, all things considered) by once again coming out largely flat and lifeless against a division rival. The Dolphins fell to the Jets 20-6 and finished with an 8-8 record, good for 3rd in the AFC East during a season where the Dolphins spent $200 million in free agency, moved up in the draft to acquire DE Dion Jordan and publicly proclaimed that it was "our time."
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We all know Hooters' trademark waitress uniforms are designed with aerodynamic and performance issues in mind to ensure that your wings are served in the most efficient way possible. Nothing imprudent going on there. 
So now Hooters is suing a Florida escort service that decided to use the slang "Hooters girls" as a slang for escorts in a Craigslist ad.
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