Friday, December 06, 2013

What Happens When I Start Living (Part Time) at McDonald's

I've been spending several hours a week at a McDonald's--hold on, it gets better, a McDonald's attached to a gas station. My oldest has a tutor that's helping him with some school work and the WiFi to use while I'm waiting those hours is at the McDonald's down the street. I order a drink and find a seat to get in a little bit of work. The drink is usually caffeine because I have to drive home eventually and everyone gets upset these days when you fall asleep at the wheel. I remember the old days when you could take a twenty minute nap behind the wheel of your Crown Vic and everyone minded their own freaking business. America is going to nanny state hell, I tell you.

Sometimes I get annoyed at the people in this McDonald's, like when they hold the door open to have a conversation and it's 5 degrees outside. That isn't an exaggeration, it really is 5 degrees outside. I'm trying to enjoy a dining experience in this McCafe, because any time you are putting things in your pie hole and you don't also have to make sure small people put things in their pie hole, it's an experience. There are many other times I get annoyed at the people in the McDonald's, but then we have to remember, I am also a person in McDonald's, so pass the sweet and sour.

I should be used to the cold, experience or no experience, because my house is only partially insulated (thanks, 1979.) The geniuses who built our house didn't insulate exterior-facing walls in places like closets. Every time you open the door to the coat closet a blast of Saskatchewan's finest air hits you in the face like the broad side of the moose. The worst is the garage, which means that the uninsulated floor of the bonus room, which houses the laundry and the playroom, is over an unheated space.

It's so cold I've set up a side business in cryogenics. The kids get a kick out of moving the disembodied heads over to play Legos, and I haven't had to buy any giant plastic Lego man heads for storage. It's a win-win (that's a fancy business term from the 1990s that I'm applying to parenting, keep up.) I like folding laundry in that room because it's chic and sophisticated not to feel my fingers--like I took one of those designer drugs everyone talked about in the 1990s. I dream sometimes about having insulation blown into the garage ceiling/bonus room floor, or the closets, or everywhere. It's just too bad that I'm blowing all that insulation cash on medium Diet Cokes at McDonald's.


Jinny Valle said...
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Emily Foley said...

I live in a stupid trailer in nowhere, New Mexico and it is so stupid cold I can hardly stand it. My husband keeps saying he could live here forever and I'm like, you're an idiot, man. Closets are cold, everything is cold. So I spend time in McDonald's too, mostly also for the soda, only I get large and non diet. Why? Read the previous sentences for explanation.

Marge Bjork said...

I needed a good laugh today, thanks for having a cold garage.

Emily said...

"The kids get a kick out of moving the disembodied heads over to play Legos, and I haven't had to buy any giant plastic Lego man heads for storage." That made me nearly snort my Diet Coke, which unfortunately came from the fridge in the garage and not McD's.

beckmarsh said...

McDonald's is depressing, especially right now (McRib season). I have to say, though, that the indoor play area/Petri dish was my salvation when I lived in cold places. Also an electric blanket with a very long extension cord makes a nice housecoat.