So are women invisible at 51? As a survey says women feel men stop noticing them in their 50s, two VERY different views...

By Jane Shilling and Amanda Platell

PUBLISHED: 18:39 EST, 27 March 2014 | UPDATED: 08:02 EST, 28 March 2014

'YES - AND I LOVE IT', SAYS JANE SHILLING, 55

Jane Shilling, 55, says she loves the fact that she is ignored now she is older

Jane Shilling, 55, says she loves the fact that she is ignored now she is older

When I was little, my favourite stories always involved a hero with special powers to help them tackle the challenges that lay before them.

How brilliant, I thought, to be able to fly or to understand what animals were saying.

But the best superpower of all, I imagined, would be invisibility. I dreamed of being able to avoid the unwelcome attention of my parents and teachers by vanishing from view. 

So when I reached middle age and found that at last I’d got my wish, it seemed wholly unreasonable to complain.

From the vantage-point of 55, I can see that in real life the magical gifts of fairy stories aren’t always fun if they descend on you unawares.

Even the beautiful and talented 53-year-old actress Kristin Scott Thomas has spoken about her experience of ‘vanishing’ as a middle-aged woman.

‘When you’re walking down the street, you get bumped into,’ she said. ‘People slam doors in your face — they just don’t notice you.’

All this is true. And the moment when you realise that you’ve become invisible is a shocker.

One day you’re in full-on flirty mode with the handsome young chap at Greggs from whom you buy your daily loaf of sliced wholemeal.

The next, he’s gazing straight past you at the dewy 20-something in the queue, while handing you a random packet of Eccles cakes in insultingly distracted fashion.

For me, the invisibility cloak descended in my late 40s and early 50s. There was a tricky wobbly patch, when everything I wore seemed too dowdy, too muttony or just plain wrong.

My son, who I’d raised as a single mother, had left home, my relationship with the chap I thought was the love of my life had come to a humiliating end, leaving me and my elderly cat rattling around in what used to be the family home.

Invisibility seemed more like a life sentence than an interesting option. But at my lowest moment it struck me that this wasn’t all a bad thing. My invisibility could be liberating.

My life would no longer be dominated by my looks, or the constant pressure to look young. Because now I wasn’t.

And suddenly, the old concerns about sexiness, which had preoccupied me for so many years, seemed much less important.

So my message to all women who feel invisible because of their age is to enjoy it. The freedom it brings is extraordinary.

After all, some of the most glamorous and mysterious occupations depend on flying beneath the radar, observing rather than being observed: writer, painter, photographer, spy. There is power in invisibility, if you know how to use it.

So I finally stopped mourning the pretty girl I once was, and began to embrace the next stage of life. Like magic, the moment I stopped worrying about being invisible, my confidence magically returned.

And I soon discovered that people find it easy to talk to those who look ordinary in a way that they don’t to anyone who looks alarmingly sexy. 

 

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Everyone is beautiful in their teens, 20s and 30s, whether they know it or not. And it is hard at that age to have a conversation that isn’t at some level about flirtation or rivalry, which is exhilarating in its way.

But once you arrive at 50, it is unexpectedly thrilling to discover that you can talk to absolutely anybody, from disaffected teens to violent criminals, with a confidence that would have seemed unimaginable when you were younger.

Which brings us to another of the unexpected consequences of middle age: the freedom to be formidable. Because you’re not physically visible, it somehow unleashes your personality.

As a young woman, it is hard to resist the temptation to be nice. After all, your looks are doing all the talking for you.

Jane says her message to all women who feel invisible because of their age is to enjoy it: 'The freedom it brings is extraordinary'

Jane says her message to all women who feel invisible because of their age is to enjoy it: 'The freedom it brings is extraordinary'

Whether you are dealing with a tricky boss, a new date, or the complicated negotiations of a developing relationship, no one wants to seem too assertive, for fear of being seen as tough, bitchy or (whisper it) bossy.

The good news about middle age is that you can be as fierce as you like.

The poster girl for scary middle-aged ladies is the late Clarissa Dickson Wright, who loved to recount her anecdote of how she put two would-be muggers in intensive care.

Not all of us aspire to emulate her hands-on style. But there is something quite liberating about listening to some bright spark talking absolute rot in a meeting and — gently, but firmly — telling him so.

Last, and best of all, there is the special joy of outrageousness. It is amazing how much stylistic waywardness you can commit if you are convinced that nobody is looking at you.

All my life I have been pained by my hopeless inability to dance.

The crunch came a couple of months ago on a routine business trip to the Balkans, at a late-night knees-up at a gypsy restaurant when everyone but me managed to find their groove.

Back in London, I thought that enough was enough and signed up for a local salsa class. Five weeks in, and I’ve learned that even cool young chaps in their 20s are amazingly generous when it comes to teaching middle-aged ladies how to look good on the dancefloor.

The secret is not to care too much what people think. These days I may look stylish, or I may look terrible (the jury is still out on the fishtail chiffon dress that I recently bought in the H&M sale).

The good news is that if it’s a disaster, no one will mind — not even me.

'NO - ONLY IF YOU GIVE UP', SAYS AMANDA PLATELL, 56

Amanda Platell, 56, says fading away into the background is a choice - not an inevitability

Amanda Platell, 56, says fading away into the background is a choice - not an inevitability

A woman’s right to become invisible after 50 is something I would defend to the death, if that’s what she wants.

But let me tell you, ladies, fading away into the background is a choice — not an inevitability.

We are told that, for half of women, their confidence dwindles by the time they reach 51. They’re threatened by even entering a room with an attractive young woman present. They feel eclipsed by beauty and youth, and imagine that they are utterly ignored by men.

But why? Try telling Jerry Hall she’s invisible or Michelle Obama, or even Theresa May. The world is stuffed full of attractive, sexy women in their 50s, in boardrooms, on the school run, on television.

And I think that if a 50-something woman does feel invisible, she should take a good, long look in the mirror — a full-length one — and face up to some hard truths.

Many 50-somethings have just given up. They pile on the pounds, don’t exercise, leave it for months before getting their roots done, slop around in old jogging bottoms, swap their stilettoes for Uggs and think make-up is for special occasions.

It’s their choice to behave like this. But is it any wonder they complain of feeling invisible?

As I know only too well, staying visible in your 50s requires graft, plain and simple. When I walk into a room, I don’t feel invisible — far from it. And that’s not because I’m one of life’s great lookers.

But I have always cared about my appearance. It’s not about vanity, it’s about self-respect.

My brother Michael was fond of saying: ‘Mandy makes the best of what she’s got, and God knows it’s not a lot.’ Or, as my mother always said, slightly more tactfully, the way you present yourself to the world is an externalisation of your own self-esteem.

And if you don’t pay attention to yourself, people assume you won’t pay attention to them either.

They’re both right. So I’ve exercised my entire life and now go to the gym and boxing classes three times a week — yes, and I’m 56.

It nearly kills me, but the alternative is a mid-life spread and feeling miserable about myself.

I’d certainly not win any beauty parades for the over-50s, but I have standards that stop me disappearing: jogging bottoms do not pass the front door, apart from heading to the gym, and I never eschew the mascara and eyeliner — ever.

It’s a myth that all men are attracted to youth and beauty.

But who could be attracted to a woman who clearly doesn’t value herself enough to make the most of her appearance? To a woman who seems to want to disappear?

Only the other day I was in Marks & Spencer, fresh and sweaty from the gym, hair in a ponytail, with just a bit of mascara.

But my roots as always were done. I felt good after my workout — which made me happy. Lo and behold, a rather attractive man in his 50s tried to chat me up. He pulled a packet of thyme out of my basket and asked me what I was cooking.

‘Er, Jamie Oliver’s perfect roast chicken — for my boyfriend,’ I replied. Undeterred, he followed me to the checkout and asked me out.

‘You’ve got a lovely smile,’ he said. I laughed it off — but there’s a truth in what he noticed. I do smile. I am happy. And that’s because I feel I’m making the best of myself. I’m not fading into the wallpaper.

Amanda asks who could be attracted to a woman who clearly doesn't value herself enough to make the most of her appearance? To a woman who seems to want to disappear?

Amanda asks who could be attracted to a woman who clearly doesn't value herself enough to make the most of her appearance? To a woman who seems to want to disappear?

When we hit 50, some of us women are so weighed down by the world that we forget to smile or laugh.

My friends joke that I’m so incorrigible I flirt with furniture. But I don’t see it as flirting per se. The truth is, I’m just interested in people, always have been. And they mostly respond — except the furniture.

I like to use the example of one of my girlfriends, in her mid-50s and recently divorced after she found her husband’s lover’s rather explicit texts on his phone. She discarded her jogging bottoms and squeezed back into her glamorous old frocks, had her hair cut and coloured, and went back to work part-time. She reclaimed her body and her mind.

Suddenly she was visible again — and all too predictably, her ex wants her back. She is the first to admit she’d let herself go and had felt miserable inside and out.

Men aren’t everything. Feeling confident in yourself helps every part of your life — your relationships with family and friends, your colleagues, your home life, your work.

It doesn’t mean you have to be a glamourpuss or some sexy slithering creature; it just means you need to feel you have the right to be seen and heard.

Invisibility is a choice but not one I’ll be making any time soon.

 

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I find as I get older it's the females who ignore me. I don't work on being stunning as I'm not in a happy place in my life. I will say that men seem to approach me to talk as I have always been a listener. I guess I'm of the doctrine if you pay more attention to who's speaking then you will get more people speaking to you. Just wish women were kinder to each other and not find another women a challenge before they got to know them.

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Well DM ageist writers, I'm guessing you are in your twenties or thirties? Don't gloat too much, us who are in our fifties now didn't have this whole media body image thing thrust down our throat in the way that you do. We can sail serenely into middle age (and I don't feel invisible by the way) without too much worry. You on the other hand will be under so much pressure you'll no doubt go grey overnight - or worse! I really don't envy the young!

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I must disagree. My 1st marriage ended in divorce when I was 56. During the next couple of years I was wined and dined by any number of menfriends and, (even though I swore I would NEVER marry again) received 3 marriage proposals, one of them from a doctor. I turned them all down, then at 58 years I met the love of my life, fell head over heels, married and spent a blissful 18 years together until his death in 2012. I can absolutely confirm that Cupids' arrow can strike at any age, youth does NOT have the monopoly on powerful emotions and ''love IS lovelier, the second time around!!'' So all you older ladies out there, don't listen to the whingers, it CAN happen, trust me !!

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Chic women always turn heads, regardless of their age.

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The irony in this article is that Jane Shilling looks far more glamorous and classy than Amanda Platell.

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I'm in my forties and men have pretty much stopped looking at me. In my teens and twenties I got alot more looks off guys. Men by and large favour youth. Thats just the way it is. There are always exceptions of course (esp for wealthy &/or beautiful older women who continue to pull them in lol)!

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No women are 'invincible' at 50. Not 'Invisible.'

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The women in the above report look stylish and elegant. As far as wearing trendy clothes are concerned, there's something for everyone these days, so why the fuss, just because a woman reaches 40 doesn't mean she should dress conservatively. I'm 40 still fairly slim (5'8" 9 st 10.) and a size 12, fair enough clothes that might look right on girls in the teens/early 20's may not look the same on me, but I can still wear skinny jeans, that said if a 'onesie/romper suit/babygro is classed as trendy I think I'll pass thank you very much. Honestly why do people wear those things? Sorry but anyone over 4 shouldn't wear them, particularly outside. (UKIP supporter who wants UK out of the EU)

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You're 40, and there is a world of difference in how one looks and feels at 40 than at 51. There are major changes ahead..brace yourself! Just advice from an over-50 woman.

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Yes, 40 is still like being a kid compared to what's coming. If you're lucky, you won't be bothered by hot flashes, but mine hit at 50 and lasted 9 years. It was brutal. It changes you and prepares you for death (I kid, I kid...sort of.)

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My sisters and I had this discussion several years ago. We r close in age and discovered around the same time, we had become invisible. In the shoe department we were no longer assaulted upon entering, at the cosmetics counter sales girls would chat while we stood there, invisible. Seating ourselves in a restaurant we would have to go seek a wait staff. No one wanted the table of three matrons tho we were dressed in Talbots and Ann Taylor. We accepted our shelf life had expired. I now only shop at Kroger/Frys, Target and Nordstrom..........always Nordstrom. They treat everyone like royalty. And their prices r no higher than Dillards, Lord and Taylor, Ann Taylor, Talbot, or Chicos..........but they make you feel important, visible, valuable.

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Men don't ignore older women who have money!

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