RACHEL JOHNSON: Like all control freaks, Gwynnie is just a pain in the gluten-free bun

By Rachel Johnson

PUBLISHED: 20:49 EST, 29 March 2014 | UPDATED: 08:32 EST, 30 March 2014

So we've all stifled a nervous giggle over the ‘conscious uncoupling’ of the Gwyneth Paltrow-Chris Martin marriage.

We’ve attempted to read the long explanatory essay written by two members of the actress’s therapeutic entourage, Dr Habib Sadeghi and his wife Dr Sherry Sami, about how a break-up can be a breakthrough, and identified numerous negative internal objects that need healing.

Some of us may have even watched the calming video of a seraphic relationship guru called Katherine Woodward Thomas, who coined conscious uncoupling, in which she sets out how not to progress from ‘soul mate to soul hate’.

we've all stifled a nervous giggle over the 'conscious uncoupling' of the Gwyneth Paltrow-Chris Martin marriage

we've all stifled a nervous giggle over the 'conscious uncoupling' of the Gwyneth Paltrow-Chris Martin marriage

And after all of it, I’m afraid to say this verbal tofu is a top-dressing of New Age tosh, a PR exercise by Paltrow’s people par excellence.

When it comes to the separation of Paltrow and Chris, the medium, not the twaddle, is the message, and that is what should concern us here.

The message was posted only on Paltrow’s digital and e-commerce company, Goop, founded in 2008 ‘to share all of life’s positives’ and to be ‘your most trusted girlfriend on the web’.

   

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We must not fall into the trap of eliding Goop with Gwyneth Paltrow (even though this week there’s a recipe for the ‘easiest gluten-free buns’, which I assumed at first was an allusion to the actress, who has admitted she has ‘the butt of a 22-year-old stripper’.)

Because if you translate it all from fluent Goop into American and then into actual English, this announcement just on its own is clear proof of a raging control freak, for whom all life is a project, and who has to micro-manage and Californicate every detail, or else.

The announcement was only 150 words or so. It was signed ‘Love Gwyneth and Chris.’ Her name first. Her stamp all over it.

Both statement and essay were designed to persuade us that Gwyneth has succeeded in curating the first gluten-free divorce-lite.

This is no split. No, no, no. It’s a transition to wholeness and personal growth and a new ‘expanded family’ uncontaminated by blood, carbs, guts, red meat and tears.

She leaves it to others to utter the words ‘pain’ and ‘divorce’, as if those words might toxify the purity of her brand.

She has followed the advice of fellow control freak Madonna to have and to own her ‘perfect divorce’ to the letter.

But the problem is you can’t control life, and it’s futile to try.

For me, the takeaway from this is clear: never mind that she thinks kale is a fun snack and breakfasts on quinoa granola (each to their own) – it’s the controlling perfectionism that’s impossible.

Her PAs tend to leave. Someone who has worked for her told me: ‘Those who don’t know her want to be close to her, and those who are close to her don’t want to know her.’

The editor of Vanity Fair, Graydon Carter, recently compared Paltrow to the North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un over his plans for a cover profile of her.

‘She asked that [friends and family] not speak to Vanity Fair about her, or about anything else ever again. Ever. Never,’ said Carter. ‘Kim Jong-un couldn’t have issued a more blanket demand.’

I saw Gwyneth at a Royal Academy breakfast on a schoolday back in 2012, ahead of the David Hockney show.

She was with her son Moses and he sat on her lap, her mass of blonde hair shielding him.

'Conscious uncoupling': This is no split. No, no, no. It's a transition to wholeness and personal growth and a new 'expanded family' uncontaminated by blood, carbs, guts, red meat and tears, says Rachel Johnson

'Conscious uncoupling': This is no split. No, no, no. It's a transition to wholeness and personal growth and a new 'expanded family' uncontaminated by blood, carbs, guts, red meat and tears, says Rachel Johnson

Mother and son saw the pictures, the video, sat through short talks about the painter, and then left just before banned substances such as croissants, tea and coffee were served.

Moses was just six. I know the architect who was hired to remodel the then-coupled couple’s house in  Belsize Park, North London, between 2008 and 2010.

At the start, the architect asked Chris Martin over breakfast at the house/site if he wanted to see the plans.

‘I don’t want to see anything,’ the Coldplay singer replied. ‘I don’t want to know anything about it. This is all Gwyneth’s project.’ Then he pointed across the room. ‘I just don’t want anyone to move my piano.’

When costs rose, as they always do, Paltrow and the architect fell out – and he ended up being paid far less than he believed he was owed for two years’ work.

Twitter addicts: We all love Kelly Brook

Twitter addicts: We all love Kelly Brook

‘It was control freakery,’ he said. ‘Given that Gwyneth wouldn’t blink at spending a huge sum on a single light fitting.’

After completion, the architect – who has designed houses for high-profile clients such as film director Gaby Dellal and painter Jack Vettriano – says he was asked to remove any images of the house from his website and keep it secret that he had ever worked for her.

So yes, it’s hard working for a control freak. It’s hard being married to a control freak, and perhaps even Chris Martin, the yoga-bunny vegetarian who wrote Fix You for her, could only take so much perfection.

But it’s also hard being one. As Gwyneth Paltrow herself once admitted: ‘Nothing is as good as it looks.’

Apart from her gluten-free buns, perhaps.

Five long years lost in Kelly's cleavage

Last week I had an email from Twitter, accompanied by a cute emoji of a slice of birthday cake.

‘Happy Twitterversary! You just turned five. Let everyone know that it’s your Twitterversary. Tweet!’

I can’t believe I’ve been lost in this sinkhole for five years, during which my attention span has shattered into a million tiny pieces and major projects have been neglected as I pursue news of a possible Kim Kardashian buttock prosthesis

Or of Kelly Brook’s latest personal trainer-stroke-fiance, or recent ‘best celebrity cleavage’ award.

Tweeting about my Twitterversary would make me feel like a pre-schooler proudly exhibiting the contents of my potty to mummy. Social media can make toddlers of us all.

It turns out that the Duchess of Cambridge has a bucket list. At the top is ‘visiting New Zealand’. I’ve secretly always longed to go to Canada, but we have reached peak bucket list. Please stop, everyone – except, of course, those who should really have one.



My £700 gas bill is a flaming joke!

My gas bill for the last three months was £715 and I don’t have a big house. Even if companies do freeze energy bills till 2016, it’s still not enough.

According to my British Gas bill, if I continue to use energy at the same rate – on a standard tariff – for the next 12 months, my outlay will be £200 a month. A month! And I am a constant ‘energy vigilante’ and secret down-turner of the thermostat, too.

Only kids can give you a genuine high, Rory

It’s Mother’s Day, which brings us to MP Rory Stewart’s remark that ‘children are the opium of the masses’.

Really, Rory? Opium brings you synthetic pleasure but children can bring you such genuine joy (at times) that when one is born you finally see the cosmic point of life.

If you don’t believe me, try watching One Born Every Minute – even the midwives blub – or even having a child yourself with your missus, and find  out  what’s meant by the postpartum high.

Happy Mothering Sunday to everyone (especially my beloved mother).

Comments (11)

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Please, don't insult California.

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I grew up a vegan, and anyone who believes kale, of all things, is a snack, might be slightly batty.

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I am imagining at some point, he just took a deep sigh of relief.

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Some of these alleged celebs just are not with us anymore in the mind.

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So right about Paltrow - I think Martin is just seeking some peace from the strain of promoting perfection.

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Chris Martin is one patient man, l'm sure he will find someone easier going. I predict Gwyneth Paltrow will have a hard job finding any permanent replacements to CM in less she lightens up.

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What a catty writer. Suspect she is jealous of Gwennies gracious and lovely persona. Who is Chris Martin, anyway?

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I bet Chris Martin was desperate for a fry -up and a plate of fish and chips!!!!

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Surely its an illness to try to make everyone do everything YOU want. I mean Paltrow isn't anything special is she. Just a fading and bossy harridan, and we've all seen lots of those in showbiz.

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GP sounds as though she is a nightmare.

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