Frictional Games Is Pumping Soma Into Your Soul

Soma Systems

Frictional Games is up to no good. Or I suppose it’s a matter of perspective, because gobs of people are probably ecstatic over the new teaser site they recently launched. Little do they know it’s actually slowly disseminating a modified form of soma into their pores designed to deactivate any frugal sentiments in their mind, ensuring they will purchase their new game a million times over.

It’s devious, dastardly and completely legal. Prepare to lose any inhibitions to spending money, you fools; Frictional’s Soma System is here to control you.

I’m not sure if it’s an allusion to the identically named drug from Alduos Huxley’s severely overrated Brave New World, but the website does contain a futuristic, glitchy interface clearly hinting at something. Solid journalism right there. I’m not a loremaster on the Frictional Games wiki, so I’ll leave it to the professionals to provide legitimate speculation. Instead, I’ll keep providing wildly outlandish claims so ridiculous there must be a hint of fact within them.

Soma Systems

Information is sparse so far, with only a single log appearing on their website. It details the discovery of some esoteric, foreign machine with a distorted picture on the screen. Initially out of commission, an engineer heads in to take a look at the quarantined machine that made several crew members a tad queasy. Looking at the video of Engineer Reed’s meticulous reactivation of the monstrosity before her, I can understand why they were so uneasy around this thing. It’s so bulky.

For cripes sake, everyone is about portability nowadays, and some mysterious creature comes along to create a product clearly not ready for mass production. I can just head to Wal-Mart and grab a screen for much cheaper. Their screens don’t show off alternate dimensions where engineers die in its presence, though. Oh, wait; that’s exactly what Wal-Mart televisions show. Hmmm, strange coincidence or darkly hidden truth? The world may never know…until the game comes out, that is.
Soma Systems


Looking at the video of Engineer Reed’s meticulous reactivation of the monstrosity before her, I can understand why they were so uneasy around this thing. It’s so bulky.


We also received an equally cryptic email today talking about some destructive Mockingbird situation and meeting someone in person while looking for “personality deviation.” Clearly, the mockingbird is referring to the popular lullaby, and that person must be your glitchy smart house mother who turns your soiled clothes into a hurricane of adolescent dirtiness. Plus that personality deviation is probably referencing her making pancakes, rather than waffles. Stupid smart house.

Well, now that we’ve got a clearer picture of what Soma Systems may actually be, I guess we can all just wait for the next transmission to come in. The current progress bar sits at 12 percent, after it was at three percent this morning. I’m no math major, but by my calculations the next tidbit should arrive in 117.98 hours. If we get any more confidential information here on Indie Statik, we’ll be sure to…oh, god…it’s the pigs. Stay tu…………

Soma