Monday, February 15, 2010

Why You Should Have a Mormon Friend: DD Edition

Here's why you should have a Mormon friend, because we're always the designated driver.

It's true! You've heard that Mormons don't drink, and that is generally the case, but instead of wrinkling up your sherry-red nose at the horror of a lifetime of buzz-less living, think of how this benefits you.

Yup, that's right, when you've got a Mormon friend, there's no pouting and campaigning over who will or won't be the designated driver, no taking turns, no "I was last time," your Mormon friend will always be the designated driver.

Don't feel bad for us, we're happy, thrilled to be the DD. After all, you're our friends too, and we want to make sure that you make it home safely, relatively intact, and don't hurt anyone else. Mrs. Potts told me recently that her husband gets drunk dials at 2am from his law school classmates because they know he'll make sure they get home safe. How awesome is that?

The thing that I, personally, like about being the designated driver is I have a lot, a ton, a schload of dirt on you.

I remember clear as a bell the night that my friend, let's call her Bethany, showed us exactly the kind of magic potion Jagermiester can be by baring her soul and doffing her top on a really high Slick Rock boulder in Moab. I guarantee that Bethany doesn't remember a thing. I have that one in my back pocket the day I need something from Bethany. I've pulled girls from the backs of motorcycles ("YOU DO NOT KNOW HIM") and away from men ("He's TOO YOUNG/OLD, put him BACK") and held many a pony tail when she was vomiting on the side of the road in the Nevada desert. Just like Fergie says, it's glamorous to be your DD. Well, she doesn't say the "designated driver" part, but I think it's implied.

Sure, occasionally you'll have to see us raise our eyebrows, but you're too into your cups to notice. Sometimes we have to pry the phone out of your hand before you call your ex (YOU'RE WELCOME.) Rarely, you get really angry and storm out of the bar/restaurant/lounge because we looked at you funny (hey, paranoid drunks, r e l a x.) But you're still our mates, our crew, our gang, and we still like you, even if you accidentally hit on us.

And don't you worry, I know exactly what happened the last time you blacked out.

So that's why you should Have a Mormon Friend: Designated Driver Edition.


jennie w. said...

So, so true. And so, so funny.

(Although I drew the line and holding my barfing friends' hair. I figured getting vomit in their hair was the price they had to pay for drinking.)

Vintage Grace said...

Super great funny post. Thanks for a laugh first thing this mornning. I'm not mormon, but sure know a lot of folks who are and I have to say you're right; it's hard to find a truer friend than one who will see you through the worst of "it" and even drive you home!

the emily said...

I hadn't been a DD since high school until last year at my ten year reunion. I forgot how funny/interesting/SAD it is.

Fig said...

We can also be the designated safe house to crash/sleep it off. Many a disoriented drunk has found refuge in my husband's basement.

fijiangirl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
fijiangirl said...

So funny... I emailed your blog to all my non Mormon friends to remind them just how lucky they are to have me!

Kelly said...

I used to be the DD all the time in college. Now that I am all grown up with 5 kids the chance doesn't come up that often. I miss those days of watching my friends make fools of themselves-but not too much. Thanks for the funny reminder.

Mrs. Potts said...

Hey, thanks for the link love! I haven't had to be a designated driver since high school (although I did witness a lot of funny, gay, drunks over Thanksgiving break - some GOOD stories came out of that), but I always want my husband to rescue those in need, and I'm glad he does. Hey, we got to borrow his classmate's BMW over the weekend last semester. No problem with that.

Also, "You know how in a fairy tale there’s always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and then the guys start kissing her? Well, this is like that except you don’t wake up in a castle — you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation."

Mrs. Potts said...

I read this to my husband and he thought it was hilarious. And he said I should tell you the story of the gay drunk at Thanksgiving, since it is too funny to not share:

Gay drunk to me: Have you ever kissed a girl?
Me: Nope.
GD: Would you kiss one right now?
Me: Nope.
Hippie Girl: Of course she wouldn't, she's Mormon!
GD: You're MORMON?!
Me: Yes, and that's not the only reason why I wouldn't kiss a girl - I'm also married.
GD: You're MARRIED??
Me: Yes.
GD: Do you have any children?
Me: Yes, a baby boy.
GD: Did you get married because you were pregnant?
Me: No, I got married because I wanted to, and I was ready. We had a baby two years later.


Beeswax said...

Now I feel sad that I've never been asked to be a designated driver. So many lost missionary opportunities.

Azúcar said...

The DD part is the easiest; it's the corralling/herding cats part of the night that's the most difficult.

And knowing some of you, actual cats are involved!

marfmom said...

lol this is so true! i've noticed that hosting the pre-party at your place and loading everyone full of snacks helps eliminate the need for holding anyone's hair back.

Kristen said...

Too funny!

Carissa(GoodnCrazy) said...

I swear I clicked over cuz I thought you were going to say.. 'it's good to know a mormon for all that food storage in a hurricane...' :)

I once saved a friend's kid from putting the car in reverse and backing down the driveway.. all because I had a STRONG urge to shake out my rug out the back door.. at that second I heard her scream and saw the car moving..
I lost the next few seconds of my life and next I remember I was SITTING on top of a 4yrold with my foot on the break...

She yelled at me.. 'YOU COULD HAVE BEEN HURT WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!'... and then she says: rather randomly...'I'm so glad you're Mormon'...

Susie Q said...

OK, that's it. Tomorrow I'm gonna go find me some Mormons!! I totally need a new BFF!


Morgan Moore said...

Hilarious. You funny.

Mrs JP Chaos said...

I know I'm late to the party (pun intended) but I'm catching up on blogs and just read this.

This made me laugh. So funny.

kwg said...

Oh my lord you are funny. I clicked on over here because of your very thoughtful response to cjane's feminist (or anti-feminist) post. (I actually think it's post-feminist. but that is beside the point!)

Anyway. You are a hoot. And you are officially going on the bookmark bar RIGHT NOW!

I never had a Mormon friend be my DD because my Mormon friends never went out drinking with us. Not once, not ever. Never ever ever. And woo-hee, did I have a lot of 'em growing up in Mesa, Az.

Great post. Very funny. And not self-righteous. Thanks.

Azúcar said...

kwg, I completely agree; post-feminist, absolutely.

Barbara said...

My wonderful Mormon friend Shanna offered to pick me up at the airport in Salt Lake (we live in Ogden), saving me the hassle and expense of the shuttle ride after a looong trip home from Africa. On my flight into SLC , I sat next to a young woman from Nicaragua who was traveling to Provo to the Missionary Training Center. She practiced her English (pretty good, but still has a lot to learn), and I practiced my Spanish (better than most tourists, but incomplete for sure). When we got to the airport, she expected to be picked up by someone from the MTC, but no one was there, and she had no idea what to do. I got phone numbers from her paperwork, called the mission president, talked to someone at MTC, and got her set up with her shuttle ride to Provo. All while Shanna was waiting at the curb: I called her and said, "I'm doing some work for your church in here. Give me ten minutes." So she couldn't complain about the wait, could she!?