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I think as one grows older and older, the year gets shorter and shorter. Perhaps, the effective duration of a year is the percentage of your life you spent in it. So, a 1-year old experienced a full-fledged 2013, whereas at 45, the year just represented 1/45 of my life. So it sort of whizzed past in 8 days or so. Yeah, life sucks. But I do feel somewhat superior to Advani and Karunanidhi for whom 2013 must have felt like a day.

In any case, even this short year was packed with entertainment, mostly provided by our esteemed leaders. So, here is the way I saw 2013. Tweet by tweet…

Politics

Narendra Modi to lead the BJP campaign for 2014. Meh! The Congress decided their leader 42 years back.

18 months of Mulayam Singh & Akhilesh Yadav, and slowly Mayawati is appearing like a nice cuddly CM who encouraged stone-based fine arts.

Rahul Gandhi is right. Of course India is a beehive. Hajaar worker bees. Many drones hanging around in parliament. And er… one queen bee.

I think we can make a reality show out of these Rahul vs Modi debates. We could call it The Rodis.

Of course, DMK will separate from Congress. They have big idealogical differences. Congress: Divide and rule. DMK: Multiply and rule.

2014 Election Playoff Fixtures: 1) Congress vs People. 2) BJP vs BJP. 3) Winner of 1 vs Winner of 2. 4) Subramanian Swamy declares victory.

Well done AAP. Even Sachin Tendulkar only scored 15 on debut.

Modi wave started from Gujarat, the Western end of India. So, Rahul wave has been planned to start from the Eastern end, Mizoram. Clever.

So, Congress and BJP distributed free booze before the election. AAP is giving free water after the election. WHERE IS THE PEANUT MASALA?

Government

The Budget is the noble democratic process through which money is transferred from those who work to those who vote.

Basically our democracy seems to be a system where aam aadmis get together and decide which VVIPs will loot them for the next 5 years.

Secret of politics – Talk to the poor. Listen to the rich.

VIP lounge, VIP parking, VIP lane, VIP chopper. Our nation is going down to the underwear.

In India, the importance of a person is measured in the amount of inconvenience he can cause to the public.

Scam Handling Procedure: 1) Deny. 2) Dispute amount. 3) Point out to some scam by other party. 4) Stall. 5) Lose all files. 6) Blame Narasimha Rao.

Good Morning. Please sit down. Please be silent. Baith jaiye. Shanth rahiye. Please. Please. Okay, screw it. All of you go. ADJOURNED.

You know why the party in power is called the incumbent, no? Because the more bent they are, the more incum they make.

Neighbours

Shoe hurled at former Pakistan President Pervez Musharraf outside Sindh High Court. Looks like someone declared a footwa against him.

Story of Pervez Musharraf: Was in Ctrl ⌥. Had to Shift ⇧. Tried to Return ↵. Now fleeing to Esc ⎋.

So, China came in, did some camping, and have now withdrawn. For us, it was an incursion. For them it seems to have been an excursion.

Ousted in 1999. Back in 2013. Nawaz Sharif is back. After 14 years of Vanawaz.

Bangladeshis entering Assam. Pak entering J&K. China entering Arunachal Pradesh. Now, Myanmar entering Manipur. WE NEED MORE STATES. QUICK.

Politicians

Rahul’s acceptance speech: “I thank my mother, I thank my father, I thank my grandmother, I thank my great-grandfather and his father. That’s all.”

Narendra Modi is speaking in Telugu. Now whether guilty or not guilty, people will accuse him of being gulti.

Rahul Gandhi doesn’t want to marry or be PM. Obviously inspired by our last two PMs. Vajpayee: Never married. Manmohan Singh: Was never PM.

Narendra Modi is in Bangalore. Today, we’ll find out, that the awesome Bangalore weather is actually manufactured in Gujarat.

Now, PC Chacko of Congress has come out in support of JDU. Basically, Nitish Kumar has moved from ‘Mooh mein Ram’ to ‘Bagal mein Chacko’.

Nandan Nilekani to join the Congress. He can start campaigning in the houses of 345267653897, 768901237653 and 465123984099.

Vijay Jolly: Name-Plate Animal Thing.

Problem with distributing alcohol before Delhi elections is that Nasheela sounds somewhat like Na Sheila. #DeepAnalysis

Arvind Kejriwal must be the 3rd fastest person to become CM, from date of joining politics. Top 2: Arjun in Mudhalvan, Anil Kapoor in Nayak.

Sports

Tragic cycling movie based on Lance Armstrong – Jo Jeeta Wohi Sick Andar.

Irani Cup – Mumbai vs Rest of India. Could also be called The Raj Thackeray Cup.

Bookie: So, what plan today? Sreesanth: I’ll get smashed for over 10 runs per over. Bookie: Ok. So, you’ll bowl badly? Sreesanth: No, no. Normally.

Today’s IPL matches – Indian Premier League: Rajasthan Royals vs Mumbai Indians. Indian Police League: Mumbai Police vs Delhi Police.

India vs Australia Results – Chennai: Soak. Hyderabad: Wash. Mohali: Rinse. Delhi: Dry. *Beeeeeeep*

On the 8771th day, God rested. #SachinRetires

Happy Birthday Leander Paes. Hope you enjoy your 40s. Or, putting it in tennis terms: 0-40.

Movies

Maybe, Kamal Haasan should just release Vishwaroopam in his house, and play the roles of the one crore people seeing it.

Sonam Kapoor is the only true Miss India. Why? Because her father was Mr. India.

Solid fight happening between fans of SRK & Salman. Now fans of Rakhee should go pray in temple. Then fight will stop. Worked in Karan Arjun

Salman Khan said he is virgin? Wow. He must have world’s highest removed-shirt to removed-pants ratio.

Just finished seeing Dhoom 3. Aamir Khan provides the Dhoom. Abhishek, Uday Chopra and Katrina provide the er… 3.

Economy

57.70 to the dollar. The Rupee used to make a lot of sense. Now it only makes cents.

Food Security Bill passed through Ordinance. UPA goes, “Welfare, Welfare.” While most people are just waiting to say, “Farewell, Farewell.”

I like  Tamil Nadu politics.  First give cheap rice. Then give wet grinder to make idli-batter. Then you throw away the batter & eat One-Rupee Idli in Amma canteen.

I think it’s time to introduce new currency notes for the Rupee. With a picture of Gandhiji frowning.

1 GBP = 100 Rupees. 1 USD = 64 Rupees. They say money is the root of all evil. Our currency, however, seems to be the square.

Environment

Thank you SC, for giving some lions to MP. Now er… could you also give some MPs to lions.

Waterless Holi, Crackerless Diwali, Boozeless New Year. Earlier: Consume during festivals, live frugally other days. Nowadays: Opposite.

Media

The nation wants to know, why it’s called Newshour when it has no news and goes on for more than an hour.

Gujarat is just the 7th largest state in India in terms of area. Stuck at 196,024 sqkm for years now. Clear failure of the development model.

No one knows who killed Aarushi, but one thing is clear – the media killed the Talwars.

Imagine being reluctant to go to Goa at this time of the year. I’m surprised at your behaviour, Tarun Tejpal.

Shoma Chaudhury also puts off resignation? Machan. No editors, no reporters. Poor Tehelka is going to become another Times of India.

Voting closed in Delhi. Now, waiting for Arnab to declare the results. After which, we can move on to counting the votes and all that.

Crime

Afzal Guru hanged. His career – Started in Parliament, ended in Tihar Jail. Familiar path.

On Italian Marines being allowed to go home – Italy showed the world how to make a pizza. And now India has shown the world how to do a home delivery.

Sanjay Dutt asks SC for more time to surrender. He is becoming like Manmohan Singh. Very reluctant to even start a sentence.

Justice Katju sees Munnabhai. “Pardon Sanjay Dutt.” Then sees Khalnayak. “Ok. Maybe he should be in jail.” Then sees Agneepath. “HANG HIM.”

I really don’t understand how terrorists continue to shamelessly operate after so many condemnations from Sushil Kumar Shinde.

Sanjay Dutt Career Highlights – 1993 – Khalnayak: Single Role. 2002 – Hathyar: Double Role. 2013 – Parole.

Occasions

Wow. It seems this Kumbh Mela is a Maha Kumbh Mela. Comes once in 144 years. LK Advani and Karunanidhi got separated in the last one.

India has 940 females for every 1,000 males. Which means 940 couples can celebrate Valentine’s Day. And the other 60 guys can beat them up.

PA: Sir, people are saying Modi’s Independence Day speech was better than yours. MMS: Arey chill. Wait for Jan 30. I’ll thulp him in the 2-minute silence.

Happy Friendship Day. You are now at the crossroads. You could move up to Happy Valentine’s Day. Or end up at Happy Raksha Bandhan.

One of the rare occasions when UPA and Karma come together. Happy Yajur Upakarma.

Khap: People who celebrate Eid together cannot marry each other. All of us: Why ra? Khap: Because they have the same goat, ra. #MegaSelfThoo

And a Happy Ganesh Chaturthi to all of you. Pray nicely, okay. He’s the God who can help you get ahead in the rat race.

Guide to festivals – Valentine’s Day: Shower money on love. Diwali: Shower love on money.

Mahatma Gandhi. Some people borrowed his name. While others adopted his principles. RIP, a shining example of the latter – Nelson Mandela.

Freedom

Dear Leaders, A simple test: If any measure you suggest to prevent rape, has anything that a woman has to do, you’ve probably got it wrong.

Our cops are firmly against public diplay of affection. Public display of rage? Oh, that’s okay. Then the govt will respect your sentiments.

Discos to close at 1am in Delhi. As usual, instead of keeping the streets safe for people, it’s always about keeping people off the streets.

You have the right to remain silent. For everything else, there’s Section 66A.

Nobody can say anything anymore. Welcome to the Silence Raj.

Delhi Police – Cannon ke rakhwale.

Congress men shut down Aditi Restaurant because their bill mocked UPA. NOTICE: All funny bills can only be passed by Parliament.

Oho! So, BJP has come out in support of Section 377. Sigh. Congress dips into our pockets, while BJP goes a few inches further. Hopeless.

You can follow me on Twitter – @rameshsrivats. Or, of course, you could cleverly not do that, and wait 12 months for the 2014 Twitrospective.

Disclaimer: Dear Kapil, All the above tweets were written by my nephew. 

Tags: 2013, Retrospective, Twitter

This entry was posted on Sunday, January 5th, 2014 at 6:48 am and is filed under Self-Promotion, Twitter. You can follow any comments to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a comment, or trackback from your own site.