Prologue: My best friend Erin and I decided to do this mental exercise after discussing an article I posted on Facebook over Mother’s Day weekend. It was a letter to all the women out there who are not mother’s, whether by choice or not, and a letter discussing that we should not be made to feel like less of a woman, or have less of an identity because of it. Erin stated that she felt she has given up much of her identity being a mother, and sacrificed a lot of freedom and a part of who she is once she had a child. I thought to myself, “She has something I want, and I have something she wants, but we are both one in the same.” We decided to do an exercise where we write a letter to one another (and all of you who can relate) about why we think the “grass is greener” on the other side, why the “grass may be greener” on our side, and why, in the end, what we have in common is that the soil in both of our lives is rich.

Dear Erin (and any other non-mother out there who wants to be one),

They say the grass is greener where you water it. I’m not sure who “they” are exactly, but I’ve been “watering” my so-called symbolic grass for years. There is still an empty baby room with bare walls and a pregnancy welcome kit from my first OB-GYN appointment that I had when I was pregnant in 2010. You see, everyone thinks they will have a happy ending, and I don’t blame them. Maybe it’s naivety or maybe they are just jaded, but no one ever thinks that they will struggle for many years through PCOS, miscarriage, and infertility. In the back of every mind is the thought that they will have a surprise happy ending like you did, getting pregnant with a child by complete shock. If I had a dime for every time I thought that would be the “solution” to my problem, I’d be a very wealthy woman by now. It goes without saying that your son is a blessing beyond any words, and most definitely a miracle, especially given the medical circumstances of PCOS, which we have in common. You got to feel what it was like to see Joshua wiggling in your uterus as a gummy bear before you even felt him move in your womb, you got to experience your stomach growing, week by week, and you got to experience those fluttering movements of baby. I often wonder if I will ever get to experience something so simple and cherished. The thought itself sometimes literally makes my heart ache inside, especially when someone casually mentions that I should consider adoption. But what about pregnancy? What about seeing and feeling your own flesh and blood inside of your body? What about that moment that your newborn baby is placed onto your chest for the first time? You’ve experienced all of these firsts, and even if you never have another child, you will have gotten to experience them and know what they feel like.

You’ve had the pleasure of seeing the smiles on the faces of you and your husbands parents, the distinct starry-eyed look that grandparents get. The feeling of seeing the love of your life, your husband, cuddle with and share a special moment with your baby is something I want to feel. I’ve been waiting for so many years to be able to show the world how much love my husband and I have for each other, and to me, the ultimate symbol of our love would be a baby. Your days are busy, messy, and sometimes beyond frustrating, but they’re filled with memories of a little child growing up. All the exhaustion in the world is worth that one kiss and that one hug you receive from a child you helped to create.

I understand why my life is glamorous to many. I’ll be honest, there was a time when I sat and sulked about not being able to carry a pregnancy to full-term. That time actually lasted for months, maybe even years. I eventually thought to myself, “Your life is passing you by while you sit around and wish for something that is not happening. LIVE YOUR LIFE!” So I did. And I love my life. I started blogging in 2010, and I’ve been able to make a career out of my blog that pays me both in money and in free product. When people ask me what I do, I have a distinct career and identity of who I am without having to say that I am simply a “stay at home mom.” I’ve been able to upgrade my car, my photography equipment, my vanity, my home office, and my makeup collection just to name a few, without worrying about finances. In fact, I really don’t have to worry about finances much because my husband and I have worked hard enough to be doing well for ourselves at our age, and because I don’t have any children to buy for. I can go to sleep as late as I want, wake up as late as I want, and take naps during the day without thinking twice. I have the freedom to get into my car any time I like and go out anywhere I want without worrying about nap time, strapping a child into a car seat, or whether or not my child will be fussy or throw a tantrum. I can take vacations and only have to worry about two people: my husband and me. I have plenty of time to take care of myself and my own needs, like giving myself at-home facials, taking a hot bath, or going to get a pedicure. My body has never carried a child past 9 weeks gestation, so I don’t have any physical scars or physical changes from having a child. My husband and I have a solid marriage and relationship and don’t have to worry about child-rearing related arguments or differences. I am so very grateful every single day for the luxuries and freedoms I have on a daily basis. I give and receive a lot of love from my husband, my little sister, and my dad all the time. It’s definitely a charmed life.

What makes us the same is that we both have moments, hours, days, and even weeks where we feel the other person’s life is all we want. We might throw a pity party or complain a lot because it seems like the other person has it so much easier, if they could just see what is right in front of them. The truth is, we both have love in our lives. We have shelter over heads and food to eat. I don’t know if I’ll ever have the opportunity to experience pregnancy and raising a child as you have, and I don’t know if you’ll get to experience the career, the freedom, and the perks of my life. What I do know is that we are both grateful, in this moment, to be who we are and have what we have. And that is enough. If even one person can read this letter and think to themselves how profound of a mental exercise it is to stop and examine both sides of the fence, our work is done. What I love the most about you though Erin, is that I know we will both experience the best of both worlds in some capacity, and when we do, we will be there for each other, cheering each other on, and offering advice from the other side of the fence. That is what best friends are for.

Love,

Becca

Check out Erin’s letter to me at Read At Home Mama!