Now if you read both Erin & Becca’s stories, their lives are different than mine as they’re both married, but we all want the same thing: A child. But as the fence title suggests, I am not so sure about this. On the one side, I see my dear friend Erin, a stay-at-home mama who does her absolute best to keep a house running, take care of a very curious and extremely active toddler and read more books than I can possibly ever imagine (sidenote – I used to read a lot. I have to pick that habit back up in my spare time (Ha!)) and on the other side, we have Becca, the happily married, but not-yet-with-child beauty blogger who devotes her time to trying new products and writing about them, all the while being absolutely stunningly gorgeous (you are dear!). I definitely got emotional reading Becca’s story. I related to her a bit, as I know what it’s like to long for the child one does not have, but at the same time feel blessed for the things we do have.
Then there’s me: The not-yet-married, not-yet-with-child 30 year old who is just living her life the best way she can. I can’t say I’m disappointed with the path my life has taken. I actually had a conversation with my mom the other day about this. She said to me “Kate, don’t ever be discouraged with how your life is. You’ve done everything exactly the right way, learned from mistakes made, kept moving forward and everything has fallen into place.” And she’s right. Dave & I had a conversation the other day about our relationship. (Can you believe we’re shortly coming up on a YEAR together? I can’t believe it.) We both discussed how everything we’ve done in the relationship, we did it in our own time and were our true genuine selves when we started dating. (He and I both had made the disastrous mistake in the past of ‘trying too hard’. Certainly didn’t get us far but if it lead us to each other, than thank you God for those mistakes, or at least the lesson learned from them!) The pace our relationship has taken is perfectly fine by both of us. He will be moving in with me very shortly, we’ve discussed future plans and all of that will come to fruition in its due time.
So what’s the issue?
Well, for starters, Dave & I do want children, although I scratch my head sometimes as to why he does when he works with 4 year olds all day long (he works in the public school system with special needs kids. He’s a good guy). Then, there’s the age factor. Yes yes yes I know women have had children into their 40s. No I do not want to be that woman. Yes I know I have time. But – there’s Dave’s age: he’s 38. Then there’s the issue of “after a certain age your chance of having a ‘child with problems’ increases by X%. And it apparently goes for men as well. The worrywart in me has a million other worries – one being my fear of turning into “Mommy Dearest”. Yes, the movie with Faye Dunaway and “NO MORE WIRE HANGERS EVER!”. I’m petrified that I will be that woman. It’s ridiculous, right? But when I think this thought, it brings me back to the conversation I had with my mom – if I had a child with someone else, a few years ago – its true I may have been Mommy Dearest. However, as I get older, my patience & tolerance for things seems to be increasing. Perhaps this is a sign that when my time for a child is right, the other pieces will have fallen into place and that is when it will happen. So I guess, for now, I shouldn’t worry – should I? Unlike Erin & Becca, I don’t have PCOS. But there are women who don’t have PCOS and have problems conceiving/carrying and so forth. I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.
As I write this though, I realize that in order for the next few life steps to happen, I need to be patient. Can I say patience is my weakness? Or impatience is my strength? I’ve been pretty good with things thus far, but a life lesson I’m coming to terms with is to enjoy the “now”, even if the “now” becomes a permanent thing as if nothing in my life ever changes. That’s not to say nothing ever will change – but I have to be accepting if my fate is to be childless and possibly even husbandless. That’s a hard thing for me to accept. These are things that are not totally in my control – so I have to do as the song suggests and “let it go”. It’ll happen when it’s meant to, I suppose.
Until then, here’s me “letting it go”.