Bedtime Story From Fucking Bible Again
BEAVERTON, OR—Saying that he has to deal with this shit every single night, local 6-year-old Andrew Neel was exasperated to learn Thursday that the ...
New Pfizer Breakthrough Miraculously Extends Lifespan Of Near-Death Patents
NEW YORK—Hailing it as a groundbreaking discovery with far-ranging benefits, pharmaceutical company Pfizer announced a new breakthrough Friday that vastly extends the lifespan of ...
Report: 76% Of Sleepaway Campers’ Parents Beginning Trial Separation
A report released Friday by the U.S. Administration for Children and Families confirmed that more than three-fourths of overnight campers’ parents are using the ...
Astronomers Discover Massive Asteroid That Could Wipe Out Life On Earth, Force Nordstrom Out Of Business
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Warning that a catastrophic direct collision is possible within weeks, NASA astronomers announced Thursday the discovery of a mile-wide asteroid that could ...
Humanity Surprised It Still Hasn’t Figured Out Better Alternative To Letting Power-Hungry Assholes Decide Everything
NEW YORK—Noting that it has had thousands of years to develop a more agreeable option, humankind expressed bewilderment this week that it has yet ...
This Minnesota State Museum’s Final Offer To Owner Of Couch From ‘Mary Tyler Moore’ Set
MINNEAPOLIS—According to a firm statement given Thursday by the institution’s staff, this is the final offer that the Minnesota State Museum is going ...
Conversations Pretty Limited When Friend Not In Midst Of Crisis
RACINE, WI—Though she considers herself a close and loyal confidante, 28-year-old Amanda Willets admitted Tuesday that unless her longtime friend Courtney Saunders, 29, is ...
