Breathless…….a Loss Remembered

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Heather Lindstrom

Creator/Owner of Stylemindchic Lifestyle at Stylemindchic Life Blog and e-Boutique
Heather Lindstrom is the lifestyle blogger/entrepreneur behind the Stylemindchic Lifestyle. Reflections on style, travel, décor, fashion and living a vibrant life are focuses of the Stylemindchic Life Blog. In travels, far and near, Heather brings those elements to life in her online Stylemindchic Boutique. In her spare time Heather practices as a school psychologist supporting students with emotional issues.
The brand blends her two worlds of style and living a vibrant life. Heather happily shares an ‘empty nest’, in Chico, California, with her favorite travel companion and husband, Scott. She is usually in the planning stages for their next sunny adventure.
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It was just a flash, out of the corner of my eye,

as they walked passed the end of the aisle at Target yesterday.

A mother and daughter, arms casually entwined, sharing a laugh.

A beat and then a flood of recognition…..

I knew that mother ten years ago.

A group of girlfriends, a shopping trip out of town,

and we were both 10 weeks pregnant.

We spent an hour trying on clothing for our expanding waistlines that day.

It was my first pregnancy and her second.

Her marriage was shaky and she had mixed emotions.

I was 41, the vasectomy reversal was successful, and I was finally pregnant for the first time.

I was beyond thrilled!

For me

Deliriously happy…..

Sparkling days…….

Breathless.

 

We had all agreed to meet up for lunch at Nordstrom on that shopping day.

Paper shopping bags were unwrapped on command and new fashions, for the new chapter of life,

were shared with happy and congratulatory girlfriends.

 

A quick trip to the restroom before the drive home.

Spotting………

“It’s normal right? “

“Don’t worry….it happened to a friend and her baby was fine.”.

Worry……

Hope and pray……

a tiny tear shed in the dark on the drive back home.

 

“Drink all the water you are able.”.

A shadowy examination room and the

kind technician smooths cold gel on my belly.

Watching her smile

for any flickering sign of concern…..

I was 10 1/2 weeks pregnant.

“No heartbeat……..I’m so sorry.”

I can’t get my breath……

Ten years later, seeing the lovely mother and her daughter, laughing together,

I’m sure she is certain this was her path. I believe her marriage survived the rocky times.

I am reminded of the hopefulness and joy of that chapter of life.

I remember the life that was lost, the dreams that died, and the

different path my life has taken by not becoming the mother I always dreamed of being.

New dreams have been created out of necessity. New paths have been carved to enrich life in different ways.

It’s the only way…. but there are moments when we remember.

In bed last night, he pulls me close.

I don’t want him to feel my falling tears…..

but he does.

 

  Somehow he just knows……

just like he always does.

Breathless……

   

 It’s been so many years but the grief just sneaks up on you.

Do you sometimes feel it too?

Hugs today,

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18 Responses

  1. Heather,

    I am playing catch up with blog posts, and I have to say that this is one of the best posts that you have ever written. I so understand how you felt.

    My thoughts are with you. Leigh

  2. What a moving post and one which must have been so difficult to write and yet it’s so beautifully written. It’s true that grief suddenly returns unexpectedly and no matter how many years have passed by the memories are still as vivid.

  3. I am just so, so sorry to read about your loss, Heather. I’m sure you remember it as vividly as if it happened yesterday, and reminders everywhere. Your post was written so eloquently and without the littlest bit of self pity. Your strength surely carries over into other area of your life. I feel a little foolish that you stopped by today and I was writing about selfishly not wanting my child to grow up. I hope you don’t think I’m the sort to callously take things for granted. And I want to thank you for coming by, you have a wonderfully interesting blog and I’m looking forward to following!

    XO,
    Jane

  4. Heather. I read this post on my phone yesterday and I was unable to comment on it so it gave me time to reflect on your powerful words. First, I want to express my sorrow for your loss. How heartbreaking that was. I know because you could have been writing about me and my similar story. Except I had two little boys in the back seat of the car on the way home from the doctor’s appointment when he told me the news about the ‘no heartbeat.’
    Even now those words feel shattering and so I have an ocean of compassion for you my friend. I remember it like yesterday. I guess the difference is that while we both were near the same age I already had children which gives me pause. Why would someone so wonderfully suited to motherhood (you) not be able to give birth to her own child? I shake my head. And I’m reminded that sometimes there are simply no answers. Although I do believe that out of our wounds we forge deeper lives. You have clearly been a beautiful maternal force in the world–your professional and personal one–and by sharing your story here you continue to touch so many others. This was a hard post to read Heather but thank you for writing it because it resonated with me. At a time in my life when I’m dealing with my own loss, it reminds me to be grateful. Period.

  5. Oh Heather, what a moving post. I can imagine how it still pulls at your heart. I’m thinking of you! XO, Jill

  6. Dear Heather,

    So sorry and my heartfelt love goes out to you and how courageous you are sharing your story with us.
    Sending hugs
    carolyn

  7. So courageous and selfless of you to share this part of you with your blogging community. You are a special woman Heather. Love & hugs!

  8. I so appreciate your kind and loving comments today. Each and every one of you has a special place in my heart. One of the best things I have found about this community is the support and encouragement that is shared. It’s exactly this that allows me to feel brave enough to put the reality of life, and loss, into a post like this. Thank you for caring and the loving words today. xx, Heather

  9. So sad for your loss. Although it was a while ago it creeps up on you like it was yesterday.

    Hugs
    Suzanne

  10. My dear Heather, we just crossed paths! Thank you for coming to visit me, and yes, COURAGE is necessary to follow our dreams and I encourage you to keep following yours. It takes a while to find your “voice”, but when you do, you’ll never stop singing. What a gorgeous post today, and from it, you are blessing many. ME TOO.

    Anita

  11. Oh Heather, this story touched my heart, and I thank you for sharing it. It was written so eloquently. Yes, sometimes the grief sneaks up on me too, dear.

    Love,
    ~Sheri

  12. THAT WAS A POEM. ANd that is what poetry is for: to remember the forgotten, the lost, the remembered. Beautiful way to express your grief my friend, and yes, we all have something to unveil and put into words to bless another. Thank you for this piece of your heart and mind today. Anita

  13. What a touching, beautiful post, Heather. My heart goes out to you for your loss, my admiration for your strength and my smiles that you found joy in other ways.
    xoxo
    Doreen

  14. Dearest Heather,
    So hard to read this. I can feel what you must have gone through when I read this. It’s heart wrenching. Life is so strange and why did you see that woman? I don’t understand it. I am thinking about you today dear sweet Heather. Hugs. Kim

  15. Heather, you have a way of expressing that hits right at the heart. I can feel your pain. I love that your husband has such a connection to you that he can feel your pain, and want to lovingly support you. What a gift.

    I anguish with you. (But, I rejoice with you, also.) I, too, have had five miscarriages. The devastation of hearing a heartbeat, and then, not hearing a heartbeat, is experiencing death of a little loving person, and part of the soul of a mother. I had a dream once (so vividly real), of Mary, the mother of Jesus, walking towards me, holding one of my babies, with the other toddlers holding on to her gown, walking beside her. For that moment, I felt sadness, that I did not have them, but, joy, that they were in arms of one who could love them til I am with them. I was comforted knowing they were in a very good place, other than my arms. Maybe not a vision for you, or maybe it is, but it came out of nowhere for me, and I needed it.

    The rejoicing that I will share with you, is the fact that you answered the call to become a beautiful force in others lives, despite the fact that you do not have your baby here on earth with you. You have been a mother figure to others, and you have been solace to others children through school counseling. I know there are many other ways that you have benefited others lives. And, I rejoice that you have made a difference by creating your blog. You are loved. xoxoxo

  16. Oh Heather, I am so sorry about this…I won’t say that there is a reason for this etc bc I am not a believer of that theory. But you still seem to have a loving family who love you and I think it is important to remember both the ones who are still here and those who aren’t…xx

  17. As always, you capture such emotion and love in your writing
    Thank you for sharing this part of you and your story
    Much Love always
    KK

  18. Dear Heather.. I am breathless too and my heart aches for you as I can imagine the rush of feelings that you felt. I don’t know what to say..there is so much unknown and unexplained in life. We just have to be strong and realize that what happens .. our path.. is predetermined to a certain degree and we need to accept it and try to find happiness in whatever that is.

    You are surrounded by wonderful people that love you very much and for that you must be grateful.

    xoxoleslie

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