Baby, I'm bad news…

Wow, am I overwhelmed with reading at the moment. So much so that I just decided, with some executive help from my grandma, to stop reading the library book I’ve been reading for over a week, without any progress, and just return it. This is not something I do. I start a book, I read it till it’s complete, I return it. But this book was just soooo long, and not that interesting. Only sort of interesting. And I went to the library today to pick up my holds, and left with several new books, plus I own a book that my mom just bought me, but I don’t want to read that till I finish the books with due dates…. I’m overwhelmed. But now that I’ve gotten rid of the one that was boring, I’m trying to read some of the shorter library books so that I can lessen the pile, and prevent myself from drowing in obligation.

I haven’t been sleeping well lately. When I mentioned this to my grandma, she gave me a handmade dream catcher she had just bought at the Farmer’s Market. She said she thinks it will bring me good luck. I loved that, so I brought it home and hung it above my bed.

I am so tired, but trying not to sleep until later. I have to get up the energy to go feed Adina’s dad’s cats. I’m working on it….

Today at work I had a patient whose wife told me I was so cute. I love that.

I keep forgetting to mention that my dad bought my birthday present the other day. What is it, you ask? Um, only tickets to go see The Cure on October 8, the night before my birthday! Um, yeah. Pretty much amazing. I kind of can’t believe it. I am going to be in the same building as The Cure. Laini, I think I’m having an N Sync moment here.

I am starving. I would kill for a veggie burger. Kill.

You know, I feel like this last month I’ve spent a lot of time dwelling on what, or who I’ve lost recently, the people who’ve walked away, turned their back in my time of need (she says, drama oozing from her words, self importantly throwing her hand to her forehead in order to emphasize her pain), or made me feel as if I wasn’t good enough.

Not good enough?

Well, all of a sudden I’ve realized how stupid and blind I am being. One person, one person decided I wasn’t worth his concern, but I am amazed every day at the people who care about me and value me, even just a little bit. People I wouldn’t expect. Coworkers at the hospital. People from my program at school. And I never really felt like I belonged at school. I felt like no one noticed me, or wanted to know me, and this summer a couple of people have reached out in the smallest ways, but it’s made the biggest of differences.

Life is good. People are so good.

I am blessed.

I’ve already taken time to thank the key players in my life for all of their support, but there are so many people who do the littlest things to show they care, even a little bit. Thank you Rebecca, for asking me how I am, and telling me to cheer up. For cheering me on with my crazy hair. Thank you Dana for telling me how much you like my hair every time you see me. Thank you Donna for caring about me. When I don’t feel good, you notice. Thanks. Thank you Rozanne for always asking about my puppy, or if I’m feeling okay, or if I need any help. Thank you Sara for complimenting me tonight, when I really needed a compliment. Thank you Amanda for reaching out to me, and for meeting me for coffee and a chat. Thank you people who I never thank for being wonderful. I hope that I am able to be that for someone else.

Like I said, life is so good.

Some things I just need to accept that I will never have answers to. Closure doesn’t always exist, and I unfortunately do not work that way. Some people can just walk away from an issue without questioning it, but that’s not how this girl works. I like to beat that dead horse beyond recognition. It’s how I roll. How do I roll? Mad deep. Oh, wait, sorry. But it’s true. I don’t understand how other people’s minds work, hell, I don’t even understand how my mind works, but it’s hard for me to accept that. I always need to know why people make the choices they make. And how can people appear to feel strongly one day, and then say and appear to feel the direct opposite just days later? How do you rationalize that behavior? How do people lie? How do people say one thing when they mean another? I am the world’s worst liar, so bad at it, and I don’t understand people who lie with ease. I’m honest to a fault. I wish everyone were like that. Especially when it comes to telling me what I want to hear and taking it back later. That’s the worst, suckiest thing ever.

I hate that Fergie “Big Girl’s Don’t Cry” has been so profound a single for me that two of my blogs recently are lines from that song. That makes me lame. Oh well, meh, I’ll get over it.

So I read one more chapter of Harry Potter. I had to get out of the house and get some fresh air so I went to Donkey Creek Park and sat in the grass for awhile. I tried sitting on a bench, but was chased away by ants. Yuck. It’s pathetic that something as huge as I run in terror from an ant. An ant. Lame. But I wish that I didn’t have to work tomorrow, as I just want to sit and read Harry Potter at my own lovingly slow pace, without having to worry about someone ruining it for me.

Especially living out on Fox Island, when I used to see them all the time, flying around outside the back windows of my room. I know that there are people who think that crows are negative, a bad omen, but somehow I find them comforting. I’m not a huge fan of birds in general, but I love crows for their size, their beauty, and I even find solace in their call. There is something about crows that sets them apart from other birds, which I generally find simply annoying. Among neopagans, crows are allotted the element of spirit, as opposed to air. They are deemed to be psychic. It’s not really death that these birds represent, but rather the spirituality of moving from one life to another. I think that’s beautiful. And I love that when they call, you usually hear many crows cawing at once, but it still sounds so simple and lonely. It’s beautiful, I think.

Did you know that in literature when more than one crow is present, they are referred to as a murder? That fascinates me.

In the Buddhist religion crows are actually seen in a very positive light. One of the earthly forms of the Dharmapala Mahakala is a crow, and crows are also associated with the Dalai Lama, due to a legend that says when the Dalai Lama was a baby his home was attacked by robbers. The parents fled, leaving the infant behind, but when they came back the next day, the baby was being cared for by two crows. Crows are also caretaking birds, and provide food for their older, weaker parents.

I was making my bed this morning, and I looked out the window, and there were two crows perched on my roof. They’ve been flying around outside my window ever since, and it makes me smile inside.

I’m not proud of some of the choices I’ve made recently, or the ways that I have handled myself in my relationships with other people. I have been creating negative energy and putting it out “there”, and I want to do exactly the opposite.

Sometimes I suck at being a person.

I guess all I can do is take these “regrets” and use them as learning experiences, so that I can continue to grow into the kind of person I would like to know. Right now, I don’t think I’d want to be friends with me. It’s time to change that.

Luckily, I know people who want to be my friend anyway, even if I can be a petty, mean, stupid girl.

I’ve been reading my book on Alaska, and I really can’t wait to go. I have to, a year, but I really can’t wait.

Someone recently told me that I am “always too much.” That says a lot about the kind of person I am right now, the kind of FRIEND I am. I want to be better. But wanting isn’t enough, I have to BE better. So I will. And to anyone I’ve hurt? Sorry I sucked. I’m done sucking. Promise.

Well, today was much more productive a day than I’ve been having lately. Aside from the fact that I slept in until 12:30…. But other than that, I ran three whole errands. I’m so proud of myself.

Gosh, I miss work.

Firsts I had my meeting with the RCIA class at St. Nicholas Parish. It went well, and I really liked the church administrator. He had some questions he wanted to ask about my religious history, and he invited me to a party/picnic-like event that they are having, so that I would know some familiar faces when I start my classes in the fall. He also mentioned some volunteer opportunities. He was very understanding of the fact that I had recently had a “personal emergency”, as I put it, and he was aware that I was looking to be a part of a larger community, and I feel like he definitely did his best to offer as many ways for me to be a part of said community, even before I take my classes. It sounds like it’s going to be good. I’m looking forward to it.

Then I went to the library. I have had this one book that’s been overdue since July 10, so it’s about time I took it back! I just haven’t been motivated. But today I was, because I had three books on hold. One of them is this book called Gaudy Nights by Dorothy L. Sayers, and it looks pretty fantastic. There was also Geek Love and A Secret History, or something to that effect. I’m finally feeling able to focus long enought to read again, and my library bag is no longer the daunting mess that it once was.

Then I went to Adina’s dad’s house to take care of the cats. June’s cats are so goofy, and poor Crystal hasn’t come down from the top of the cupboards the entire time I’ve been going over there! And I miss Ebon. Poor guy.

But that was eventful. Three whole errands. I’m so proud, and now I am so freaking tired. But Laini and I are introducing Rachel to the world of Hetty Wainthropp Investigates, and later we may go out to Shari’s in search of Matt, who never emailed me about the Tea Partay. As if I was actually going to let him forget. Psh. He obviously doesn’t remember Laini and I very well!

Today was a really good day. I had a rough afternoon, because I am worried about money, but overall, today was a really good day.

I woke up at around 10:15 to a phone call from my brother in Montana, who was energized because he had union meetings going on at the nursing home where he works all day. While he is pro-union, he was not pro-the current union, and he was the facility’s rep in the whole thing. We talked for awhile, which was good, because he woke me up so that I was able to stick to the routine I’m trying so hard to create for myself. I only got up 15 minutes late, and that’s not bad.

I started a new knitting project, a small hat out of navy acrylic for Kaleb, while I waited for Laini and her friend Rachel to pick me up, and then we went to the Yarn Garden in Gig Harbor because Laini needed to learn how to knit/purl in the same row, left handed, without twisting the knitting or picking up extra stitches. While she had her mini-lesson, Rachel and I waited in the car, and I worked on my project while talking to Adina on the phone.

Knitting lesson over, we drove into the Tacoma Mall so that I could meet my friend Amanda at Starbuck’s before she started work. This is really the first time Amanda and I have been able to truly hang out and talk, and we got our drinks, and found one of the couches in the middle of the mall, and talked for a couple of hours, I think. It was nice, because she had a lot of questions about how I was feeling, and what I’d been going through, and so I didn’t feel super guilty talking about myself, and I also didn’t feel overly self-conscious when my words wouldn’t come, as they have been doing lately. We spent a lot of time getting to know each other, and I think we both share a lot of the same ideas on life, so that was nice. She had some reading reccommendations for me, and I look forward to checking these books out. They are basically about the Chakra system, and I’ve been doing some looking into meditation, yoga and the like as alternative forms of therapy, so it was good timing. I really enjoyed talking to her, and she gave me some motivating reminders about how we need to not let in other people’s negative energy, and to combat it with our own positive.

After she went to work, Laini, Rachel, the babies and I went to Ross, where Laini found her Tea Partay dress, and it is PERFECT. I love it. I also loved wearing Lilli around the store while Laini shopped, because she kept snuggling and giving little baby Lilli hugs. We also found a great new pair of shoes that we are sharing custody of, because they were simply too cute to not be owned. If photobucket weren’t sucking, I would share a picture of them, as well as the picture of my Coach flats, but it is, so I won’t.

After Ross, and a nice lunch at Subway (they had our soup!) Laini dropped me off at home, and I’ve been slowly making progress on Chris’s room. I’ve done several loads of laundry, which is a start. I’ve also been watching my Netflix, and I went out to Adina’s dad’s to feed the cats.

He was really sweet, and left me a $20 gift card to Stanley & Seafort’s, so my mom and I are going to go out to eat after she gets paid. That should be really fun.

I confirmed with Shaunte that he is in fact coming to the Tea Partay on Saturday, so that is awesomeness like nobody’s business. I am quite looking forward to it. I’m also looking forward to meeting Zach’s girlfriend, Stefanie, at the party, who I have heard so much about, but never met.

I am quite tired now, and watching a DVD, and I have lots to do before my RCIA appointment at St. Nick’s tomorrow, so I am going to say Adieu, and buenos noches! Kisses!

All I can ever say is I’m sorry. I can’t do anything more than that. I can’t change anyone’s mind. But I’m still sorry.

I’ve said and done things these past couple of weeks that are very unlike me, and I can’t do anything to take them back. I still don’t feel like myself, but I feel less “timebombish”. Most of the times that I offended people, I didn’t even realize I was doing it. Selfish? Very. But the truth, and something I can’t change.

So to the people I did hurt, or try to hurt, I am sorry, publicly, and then this will have to be the end of it. Because I can’t keep feeling bad about things, or I will go even more crazy.

I just feel too tired, I don’t feel strong enough to continue to feel bad for everyone.

But I’m still sorry.

Today was amazing. Fantastic day.

First, my dad and Rhonda got back from Europe last night, and they met Chris and I at Starbuck’s on their way back to Pt. Angeles. It turns out that all of their luggage got lost in either Zurich or Amsterdam, so that sucks, but my dad had some postcards for me in his backpack. I collect them, so that was nice. Apparently there are many more in transit. Yay for postcards. I also had a nice conversation with my dad about my diagnosis, and everything that’s been happening since he was out of the country. I think that he was relieved to see me, and certainly to see me back at baselining. I’m kind of glad that he was gone when I was manic. I don’t think he would have handled it well at all. Too hard for him and all. He was way supportive about my hair, which I love. And Rhonda loved my new Coach shoes, so all was well with the world.

After coffee, Chris and I drove out to Fox Island, where I gave him a lesson on driving a stick shift. He does it really well, and so we went to my house to pick up my mom so he could show off. He and I had a lot of fun listening to crap music on the iTrip while he drove. Turns out he learns like me, and the better the music, the better the driving!

After we got back home, Chris left to take our cousin Joe to see Transformers, and my mom and I had the best time setting up a myspace account for her. Anyone who wants to see my super cute mommy should go here. It was really fun getting to know my mom a little bit better. I enjoyed.

Then I had to haul ass to Adina’s dad’s house, because he and his wife are leaving for AFRICA tomorrow, and I am house sitting until mid August. We went over all the cat stuff and plant watering stuff (Nervous, I am so bad with plants….), and then talked for a little bit.

Next was a BBQ at Laini and Ryan’s. I beat my mom and Chris by a little bit, and had a good time with the kids and Laini. Kaleb was very surprised to see my hair. He told me, “Katie, you’re pink!” At first I think he was intrigued, but as the night wore on it seemed to stress him out. He told me it should be red. I told him maybe next time, and he said, “Okay, see you later.” So funny. Dinner was good, and I am in love with the Boca Burgers Laini and I ate. New obsession.

Chris went home for the PS2, and we played Karaoke Revolution for HOURS. We got some amazing video, but most of them are too long for me to post, which sucks, as they are FANTASTICO! I had so much fun. I need to find a way to edit or post them or whatever, as I am in love with the three of us.

Tomorrow I am meeting Alex at the mall, and then we are going to go outside and play somewhere. That really means go talk and be boring, as that is what I do best. But I am excited, anyway.

I’ll leave you all with some cute pictures of my pseudo-kiddos. Night folks!

Yeah, this is Kaleb realizing I’m “pink”.

Ryan took them 4x4ing. Or however you say that. I’m a girl.

Lubby karaokes, too!

And Lilli eats a metal box thing. Because she’s weird like that.