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As Posh claims even her frocks have been on an 'odyssey', JANET STREET-PORTER says: Spare me all the vacuous celebrity 'journeys'

Published: 16:09 EST, 10 August 2014 | Updated: 06:19 EST, 11 August 2014

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Should ever a word sum up our self-centred culture, it’s ‘journey’. Let us ban the loathsome J-word, unless referring to an activity that involves changing location, going on holiday, catching a bus, or waiting for a train.

Now, everything in our daily lives, from Swiss rolls on Bake Off and poorly pets to trashy celebrities, is suffering from the same syndrome — they’re all on a bloody JOURNEY.

The story of Pippa Middleton's fantastic life is not a 'journey', according to Janet

Last week, I went on a real journey, one that involved massive petrol consumption, motorway blockages, toll charges, a night in a hotel and a ferry. Toilet stops in service stations, bad sandwiches, and an irritating sat nav. A typical August minibreak.

I decided to travel from Kent to Llandudno, on to Holyhead, and then across Ireland to the beautiful Burren on the West coast. All in 36 hours.

That’s what I call a journey, not the state of Sarah Harding’s mind as she struggles to learn gymnastics for a new BBC reality TV show, or the story of Pippa Middleton’s fantastic life from cupcakes to cycling, party planning to writing total drivel about entertaining.

Pippa sums up everything that is shallow and uninspiring about modern life. Yes, she raises money for charity — but so do millions of nice people all over the UK who don’t employ a PR.

If we’re going to talk about real, not celebrity, journeys, let’s start with St Paul the Evangelist, who travelled thousands of miles around the Mediterranean, at great peril, spreading the gospel about Christianity.

Or Marco Polo, Henry Stanley, David Livingstone and Walter Raleigh. They went on journeys that changed how we see the world. So, how did this humble word get hijacked to describe the me-generation’s total love affair with themselves?

In 1949, American scholar Joseph Campbell defined a ‘journey’ in a book called The Hero with a Thousand Faces. He set out the key stages in the myth of the hero — which start with leaving one’s own country for a strange land to follow an adventure.

The hero discovers his or her strengths through a series of difficult trials. It culminates in winning a battle, or overcoming adversity, then returning home to acclaim, and, usually, ruling the society or group they started out from.

T his pattern seems to fit mystical and religious figures, from Jesus, Moses, King David and Buddha, through to Harry Potter.

Pippa is all smiles as she takes part in cross-US bike race

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In recent years, though, the word ‘journey’ has been applied to everything from movies (Star Wars and Superman), to rebranding a supermarket chain, to lowering a bank rate.

With celebrity culture, it has been hijacked to describe everyday life, as if these trashy characters are our ‘heroes’ and we are hitching a ride on their fabulous journey through life, which does not involve overcoming evil, or fighting hostile natives, or spreading the gospel, but buying an obscene amount of couture clothes and handbags, and having a very big bottom, which is on a ‘journey’ all of its own. Reality star Kim Kardashian has described her tasteless nuptials in Italy as a ‘love journey’.

Victoria Beckham said her clothes had been on some 'incredible journeys'

Modern statesmen have hijacked the word, too — Tony Blair called his autobiography A Journey, as if the rest of us are too dumb to climb on his high-powered bus.

Politicians love the J-word: David Cameron has said he’s ‘in the middle of a long and difficult journey turning our country around’, making the UK sound like a leaking supertanker. Barack Obama has said ‘our journey is not complete’ — i.e. he needs to be in charge to sort things out.

And U.S. Senator Sarah Palin wrote A Politician’s Journey about her time as Governor of Alaska.

Businessmen, too, from James Caan, to Philip Green, to Christopher Bailey at Burberry all tell us that their companies are ‘on a journey’ — in old parlance, this means they are working flat-out to deliver a profit to shareholders. But telling us the bald facts of business won’t do it any more.

Every action these people take has to be drenched in emotion — as if they are struggling through quicksand and appalling deprivation just to ensure that Topshop achieves record sales.

Celebrities who adopt kids — Angelina Jolie, for starters — always tell us about their ‘journey’, basically a short trip from cheque book to crib.

Even cross-dressing men with beards have joined the J-club. Conchita Wurst tweeted after winning Eurovision: ‘Last day of this fantastic Journey. Because of YOU I live my Dream! Thank you so so much!’

What’s this obsession with the word WE? That is the hallmark of the modern journey, it’s something you need other people to be part of, to make you feel special.

Now, even our old clothes are on a ‘journey’ — Victoria Beckham announced last week that she’s flogging off some of her old clothes (which are rather grandly referred to as ‘pieces’, as if they are one-off art works, not ageing frocks in size 0) on website The Outnet, to raise money for the charity mothers2 mothers, which aims to halt the spread of HIV from pregnant mothers to their unborn babies.

600+ items of clothing by Victoria Beckham are on sale for...

A very worthy cause, and I applaud her actions, but did Victoria have to spout the following claptrap?: ‘These clothes have been on some incredible journeys — I’ve had so much fun in them and I want to share that.’ Since when did a frock go on a journey? A frock keeps you warm, makes you look appealing, hides your bulgy bits (not in Victoria’s case, as she hasn’t got any), and emphasises your good points. But it can’t go on a journey. And, as a frock doesn’t have emotions, how can it be part of your life ‘experience’?

DID YOU KNOW?

In middle English 'journey' meant the distance that could be travelled in one day

There’s no sign that the tidal wave of ‘journeys’ is coming to an end, or that we are falling out of love with the term and moving on to another catch-all phrase. Beyoncé is a prime example — telling the world all about her ‘pregnancy journey’ in her documentary Life Is But A Dream, which aired in June.

A nd when celebrities misbehave, or go off the rails, it’s excused as part of their ‘journey’.

Miley Cyrus rebranded herself from squeaky-clean teen to controversial tacky twerker, but her godmother, Dolly Parton, excused her by saying: ‘Everyone has to walk this journey according to their own rules. That’s what she’s doing. And I love her.’

Miley Cyrus has rebranded herself from squeaky-clean teen to controversial tacky twerker

Reality TV has replaced the story of David and Goliath, or Jesus performing miracles, with its own castlist of achievers on a heroic journey to success. Singer Sam Bailey, last year’s X Factor winner, said: ‘It is nice to think that people think I may have inspired others by my journey on X Factor and beyond.’

Last week, the show that turns cake-making into a heroic act started again on BBC One.

The Great British Bake off relies on its cleverly selected contestants — a couple of men, an older woman, someone who is surprisingly young, a curmudgeon and an eccentric — to take us on their ‘journey’ through triumphs and tragedies.

Brendan Lynch, the runner-up of the last series of Bake Off says on his website: ‘The excitement surrounding the final has receded and there is now time to step back and reflect on my journey on the Great British Bake Off. This journey began nearly a year ago when I sent in my application form.’

Last year’s winner Francis Quinn said: ‘This has been some journey — a crazy journey.’

I know this may seem a lot of fuss about a small word, but isn’t this gushing use of the word ‘journey’ to describe baking a biscuit or a swiss roll just ridiculous?

Journeys used to be a chance to broaden your horizons, meet people, enrich your life. I’ve climbed in the Himalayas and been to Africa, I’ve walked the length and breadth of Britain. I’ve driven across America and hiked in the Highlands.

To me, those were important experiences that made me the person I am today. Modern journeys seem so much more trivial.