6.19am Monday Morning…I’d lovingly embrace you, but I hate you.

I didn’t expect to feel such contempt at having to get up early as an adult, but I still do. There’s something about 9AM MONDAY MORNING that screams at you and makes you feel like its going to be a terrible week. It probably isn’t, but after a relatively good weekend you simply can not help but think “Why am I putting myself through these early mornings?!”

In all fairness I really had better get used to it. Soon Mini-KAT will be at nursery and I’ll be having to do the morning school run, and then of course I’ll be having to get up and ready for college myself in no shorter than 10 months time. I suppose early mornings are just the typical life of a parent, it sucks but you have to do it.

Mini-KAT returned in good spirits and in good time on Sunday. She had the cutest little bunches in her hair and gave me a huge hug when she saw me. Her grandparents were also quite happy to be able to see her over the Christmas period, and I explained that I didn’t want or see the benefit in Mini-KAT missing out on a good Christmas when we weren’t going to be in our own home, nor did I ever want to stop her from continuing a relationship with her father. Despite how I might feel about our relationship, she needs to make her own choice and it’s quite relieving to know that I do have their support in the matter and they do want to help. So Mini-KAT will be visiting her family clan again twice before November ends. I imagine once we have a routine established things will begin to get easier but until then it might be a little exhausting on everyone.

If I’m honest I too can not seem to stop smiling. For the longest time I’ve been able to have a real weekend off and enjoy myself with my friends. I decided to add a little pink to my white/blonde hair and I love how it’s turned out. It’ll fade, then I can reapply it and carry it on. The Christmas lights are being turned on this weekend so Mini-KAT and I will be heading on down with some friends and family to have a little nose about. I always loved watching the lights getting turned on, even though my hometown never really puts on an amazing show the atmosphere is electric. Everyone goes, everyone’s happy and it’s just all good fun.

I can not believe how quickly Christmas is approaching…it’s my favourite time of year (because between 24th December – 1st January is the only week I get to celebrate everything, my birthday is on 3oth…) and I can not wait to see my little princess open her presents, see the family and enjoy herself before I throw her into nursery (which she’ll love anyway). So this year, as well as Christmas I’ll be turning 24 years old and for the longest time I’m not dreading getting old (because I’m not that old!) so I’m looking forward to a nice chilled out weekend with whoever I happen to spend it with. There’s been talks of a trip to Devon with my dad to visit my Aunt and Cousins, which I’ll enjoy. I love being by the sea in the winter.

And so I best continue on with what I’m supposed to be doing…”getting ready” for my course that begins at 9.30am…ridiculous time to start a course but Mini-KAT will enjoy creche this morning and I can walk on up listening to terrible music very, very loudly.

Staying Out Like An Adult!

Being with Mini-KAT for the majority of the time I very rarely get the chance to go out and “enjoy” myself.

I love my life, or at least I am beginning to. I am starting to realise the freedom I currently have, the decisions I make are the best for myself and my daughter and no body else, that I can do things because I want too, not because I have to please someone else. I am starting to appreciate that I’m still young, that I can still be ambitious and fix my mistakes and just enjoy living.

In fact I am sick of thinking What If all the time, I am sick of feeling like I regret things when if I really think about it I don’t regret anything and even in hindsight I wouldn’t change what I’ve experienced, what I’ve done, what I’ve lived through, what I’ve put up with, what I’ve fixed, messed up, forgotten and remembered. I am starting to love myself (in a non-sexual, non-creepy kind of way.) So because of this new found self appreciation,  build up of self confidence and self esteem and the fact that actually, I’m not too terrible a person, I figured I’d give getting back out there ago and stepped away from my nerdy, geeky life for the day (sort of) and went outside to enjoy the lights of the town.

I made plans, but they changed, and I didn’t panic about it. A huge deal for me. Usually I’m so much of a control freak that one tiny little issue could mess up the rest of the weekend, but the set backs weren’t major and I just decided to go with it and make it work. So I bought new headphones that broke almost instantly, I saw my best friend and her fish, and we laughed and ate, then they napped and Mini-KAT visited nanny. I coloured my hair pink and retoned the blonde to white blonde. I put make up on, I wore a dress without leggings, I tried to wear heels but that didn’t work out, so I changed shoes and carried on walking, I listened to music LOUDLY (with my broken headphones playing in one ear only) I cheered someone up, I watched someone cry, I hugged my past, my present and I only spent £5. I met someone new, who made me smile. I saw an excellent film, but not enough of Daniel Craig’s naked torso. I heard Violent Delight. I met someone’s brother. I learned some home truths, and I dealt with them properly. I didn’t let them ruin the night. I stayed awake until 3am. I watched, I danced (wiggled), I talked to people I didn’t know and had one of the best nights I’ve had in a long time. All of the above totally irresponsible for a girl with an anxiety problem, agoraphobic and has word vomit when she meets someone new. What makes it even better is the new friends want to see me again, the old friends still love me, and there was not a sign of the fear, the horror, the worry, the stress, and if there was it was a momentary flutter.

 

I finally went to bed with a smile.

It’s Like Losing A Limb…

When you have a child, especially one under school or even pre-school age, when they’re away for the shortest time you don’t really know what to do with yourself. When they’re with you all the time you have those ‘Oh I wish I had just five minutes to myself’ and then when they’re away you’d give anything to not have five minutes to spare. It’s a very overwhelming and tiring process. However it does allow you to get things done.

Becoming a parent makes it easier to look at the little things in life and appreciate them; like being able to go to the bathroom all by yourself! Not having to announce to someone you need to use the facilities is really quite invigorating. Another small yet accomplished feat is being able to go to the shop when you first decide you need something and just getting on your boots and going not having to get another small person ready to go out and fight to get them into a coat. And cleaning! Being able to clean up and tidy your space without a tiny little destroyer following close behind undoing all your hard work, and you can’t even get that mad because they have that cute little mischievous grin on their tiny little face which just makes you want to giggle yourself.

But no matter all those things that may take a lot longer when you have another little person to take care of when they go away for a weekend you miss them like crazy, you miss the “Wake Up Mummy!” and the fake cups of tea, and the stories they make up and all sorts of other trouble they get into when they’re with you.

Mini-KAT has gone away for the weekend and whilst I’m sure she’s having a great time I still hate her being away from me, I suppose things will get a little easier when I’m used to it, when there’s a routine in place an so on.

When One Thing Ends…More Can Begin

Whether it was meant to be or not is never really what matters. What matters is that you don’t regret the decisions you made because at the time that is exactly what you wanted, how you felt and what was right for you. Perhaps you’ll look back in hindsight and think ‘What If…’ but as long as you don’t live your life by those what if’s you’ll get by just fine.

So a relationship may have ended, but I’m grateful that the friendship is still there. And I’m thankful that I don’t have to shut anything out.

At the time, I needed a reason for escape. I needed a reason to prove I could leave. I needed to rely on someone else’s strength. Now I just have to prove to myself that I can do it all alone, even though I’m not really alone. I have the wonderful Mini-KAT with me, I have my beautiful friends and family and most importantly I have myself. I’m about to prove to the world that being a victim does not make you weak forever, I’m going to show everyone that I can be brilliant, talented, fabulous…because, who am I not to be? My playing small does not serve the world…(A quote – paraphrased…I found on Facebook.)

So I say thank you. To everyone who as been a part of my life, whether good, bad, loved or hated, you are about to see just what you’ve made me into…and I can guarantee that person is going to become something wonderful. And that person will be me.

 

 

Because Sometimes…I Just Can’t Get To Sleep.

I’ve never been a very good sleeper. I don’t know where it came from but I’ve always been an early riser and a struggle to get to sleeper. Perhaps it’s playing too many games…perhaps its being too stressed…perhaps I just have a messed up body clock, who knows?! There just seems to be weeks and weeks that pass me by where I just can’t sleep. Tonight is very much one of those nights.

Sometimes I think maybe it’s because I don’t want to miss anything that goes on during the day…half the time I don’t think I do miss anything and lately I’ve been sleeping in pretty late…hard to do when you live in a shared facility and mums and kids are up from 6am onwards getting bathed and ready for school. But still I manage to average getting up at around 9.00am, a habit I need to kick for when Mini-KAT starts nursery.

I usually keep a book close by for such nights but recently I’m finding it hard to get stuck into anything. I was reading The Gargoyle by Andrew Davidson; a truly graphic story of a porn star that loses his looks in a horrific car crash (he is practically burned alive and every detail is described) but you can see how that might not be an ideal story to read before bed.

I have a few other favourites, my copies of the Twilight books are severley dog-eared from multiple reading sessions. I’ve also read those Fifty Shades of Grey books…I don’t really want to put my comment on those, that’s for another day. A great tear-jerker and one I loved but no longer have is The Rescue by Nicolas Sparks. I’m usually awful with dramas or overly romantic stories but this one is beautiful. I’m also very much enjoying the Helen Hamilton books by Josephine Angelini, the two in the series I’ve read so far are amazing. I love Greek Mythology and it’s a real fresh, inspired idea on the subject so it makes for pleasent reading. Of course I’ve read the Harry Potter books and Lord of the Rings, and whilst they’re classics I prefer faster paced reads. Honeymoon by James Patterson is excellent for that fast paced action thriller. I love the crime genre in books, especially by Patterson, he’s got a real unique writing style (well…there’s conspiracy on that but still…) Looking at Horror books I’ve always enjoyed Anne Rice and a selection of Stephen King books. The Shining was epic and because of this I found the film a bit of a let down in the scare department. The book had me having nightmares for weeks.

I can not wait for Finale, the last in the Hush, Hush saga…I love how this one touches on something a little darker than some of my usual reads, lots of blood and injuries and mystery. Plus the dude’s name is Patch which is just totally awesome. I’m still trying to hunt down the second in the Abandon trilogy by Meg Cabot; Underworld. I may have to hook myself up with that later on this week as that was a pretty damn good read. And then I can not wait for Seeking Crystal – Finding Sky and Saving Phoenix were amazing stories but Xavier has always been my favourite and I can’t wait for him to find love! Gah I can be so rediculously soppy at times. Oh, another great book, story of my life, or at least I wish, was The Vampire Hunter…were the fictional boy ACTUALLY COMES TO LIFE but in the story, obviously. Oh I could just imagine that…ahem.

So reading usually helps, but I’m at a loss as most of my books are in storage. Neither do I have a bookcase so I can get them all here to pick and choose as I want. Although this has helped a little as I’m now quite sleepy, so I think I will say Goodnight.

Defending What’s Yours…Well, Mine, Actually.

As a parent and as a victim of abuse I seem to forever be fighting my corner. It’s made be really quite bitter and cynical actually but it’s made me a much stronger person, well, I’m getting there, but what I mean is I am now more ready than ever to defend what is mine and quite frankly I can be pretty possessive when it comes to my “things”. Now, I’m not trying to objectify anyone, but within my “things” come my possessions, my daughter, my relationships, my achievements and all sorts of other stuff that I have either got on my own terms, won over, worked hard for or just love. Yes, that does make me sound like I’m some sort of trampler, actually it makes me sound really quite dominating, but I’m…well, actually. What I mean is, I’m not prepared to give anyone or anything up from my life, unless they themselves decide enough is enough. I’m a very stubborn person I guess and I like keeping order and control. In fact this whole controlling part of me really is my downfall because it can really affect others and push them away.

Being a follower in Astrology (No, I don’t regularly read my horoscope – but I have done my own Birth Chart) I do have this weird belief that my personality is the way it is because of how the planets were aligned during my birth. I also believe in Nature vs Nurture (I’m very much on the nurture side, which again completely contradicts what I’ve said – told you I’d do that.) But anyway, I believe I have the personality I have because I’m a Capricorn. I believe my personality has been influenced and tossed in particular directions because of my life experience. So really, they both work, in my opinion.

I am quite firmly in the middle of the Capricorn sign, being born December 30th 1988. I am very ambitious, I loved working when I was working and not being able to work kills me. I’m pretty intelligent too and need quite a lot of mental stimulation which I don’t get from just staying at home all day. I am quite business-like in my relationships; I will look at every aspect of a relationship before I enter into it, I’m very cautious and I don’t like taking risks. Which also means I will bring up all those huge questions fairly early on if I’m certain both people are committed. I see relationships as a partnership so I really struggle with just one time things. I don’t see the point in them, they don’t get me anywhere and they’re just pointless so usually when I get involved with someone I see it as a long-term thing. I need to see the practical side in things, and it may make me a little boring and not very spontaneous at all but it makes me pretty good at organising things and making sure they go to plan. It also makes me an excellent hostess. However sometimes my realism can make me very pessimistic, sure I fantasise all the time but when it comes down to it, I take everything with a grain (or quite a few grains) of salt. One thing I have been told since I can remember is that I’ve always been a born leader. It’s true, I can not stand someone being above me, I relish the challenge of being in charge no matter how big or small the responsibility is, for me it’s always going to be about title and prestige. I love having bragging rights, I love having accomplishments and I will do what I have to do to get there. I don’t work well under others…mainly because I hate that my ideas get ignored and I don’t feel valued enough, so I know eventually I’m going to have to work for myself.
Another quirk I’ve found that is typical of a Capricorn that I see in myself is being a sore loser. I love my games, mostly console, but it makes playing with me quite impossible because I can turn something that is supposedly fun into a really bad experience. I try to tell people and myself that I’m not competitive when in fact I am too competitive, at everything. I’m also really quite fiercely loyal which again makes me defend my own and I rarely let go of what is mine. So it means my friends will always have someone to listen to, my family will always be loved and in relationships I will always be honest. I don’t think I’m complicated, I don’t think I’m misunderstood, but I do think people won’t see beneath that facade of confidence I have to wear every day, which is probably why no one ever really knew what was going on.

I’m An Awful Titlelist…

Do you ever have those days or moments or endless thinking sessions where you realise how insignificant you might be? Or how small you are compared to the whole universe? Or what your life will be like in five, ten, twenty or even fifty years time? I do. In fact I think I spend FAR TOO MUCH time looking to the future rather than living in the present. What can I say, I’m a fantasist. I am constantly imagining how my life would be with millions of pounds, how fabulous I’ll look when I’m thin, the names of my future children, how tastefully furnished my home will be when I move, how easy my life will be when I’ve retired…even though I’m not even employed right now. It’s a tiny bit ridiculous just how much I fantasise about how I want my life to plan out yet I don’t really do very much to make all those things happen. It’s always…I’ll do it tomorrow, I’ll start it on monday, I’ll get that sorted next month…I am excellent at procrastinating and distracting myself from what really needs to be done…well, actually, I just can’t multitask. When one thing is constantly replaying through my head it kind of takes over and then I can’t really think about much else, well I can think about it but it doesn’t actually get me motivated.

Actually, I am awful at motivating myself and my self-discipline is lacking. I wish I had the good fortune to let everyone take care of things for me, but I don’t have that opportunity. I won’t have my future handed to me. I will have to work hard when I go back to school. I will have to make my own career when I’ve finished my degree. I will have to save for years to afford a deposit on a house. I will have to do all this whilst taking care of Mini-KAT. I will have to pay for my own wedding, should that occasion ever happen. I will have to pay my own bills and I will not be able to rely on handouts. Sure, I hope I will be able to share the responsibility with someone (especially the wedding one – as I will actually have to have someone who wants to marry me before I start even thinking about saving for that day, so I suppose I can cross it off my list for now…making this whole sentence a little pointless but you completely get the idea.) As much as I love the whole independent women thing (I don’t really, I just like the idea of being filthy rich by winning the lottery…that I’ve never ever bought a ticket for) I certainly don’t want to go through all those milestones alone. Perhaps thinking about that is a bit childish, considering I am loved and in love, and whilst some of my relationships have been complete flops or just plain awful, some of them have not been. But my point is that I doubt I’ll die alone or anything like that so I probably will share it all with someone.

I think sometimes it’s hard to see past all those stupid obstacles that get in the way…like money, that’s annoying, money is probably the worst invention ever when you don’t have enough of it and everything is so expensive…like plane tickets and hotels and passports and new luggage…failing technology; that’s also pretty annoying too, or when things get lost, or when everything seems to be against you. Time is an obstacle, when we want it to rush on by, it drags, when we want to enjoy the moment and remember everything it just flashes past. Like when you’re in school and you just can’t wait for half term because you know you’ll get a week off, then you make all these plans and before you know it you’re back at school again and man do those next five and a half/six weeks last a whole entire lifetime. Snow is probably my most feared obstacle, I can’t stand snow…it stops me doing everything because I’m so ridiculously clumsy I end up not being able to leave the house, even if I need food, or milk, or anything. I best start stocking up…

For me, the worst obstacle is distance right now but it’s also the best one. In the positive light I’m far away from someone I don’t particularly want to see much off, I’m able to use this time properly to think about what I really want and need, to sort out my money, to recover and just focus on being on my own with Mini-KAT for a little while. It means I can prioritise things and as much as I hate to admit it, if the distance wasn’t there I probably wouldn’t be able to focus quite so much, i things quite so well as I would be far too busy distracting myself. So it means, even though I’m rubbishly insecure about myself, constantly question myself and my relationship, have stupid trust issues and am so awfully jealous when I have no reason to be, and I am always going to seek reassurance I can’t help but see at the moment, the distance is a good thing, because I do need this time to be physically at least on my own. Until I’ve got my life into some sort of order and get a home and really until I feel like I’m ready for it because as much as I want it to work, as committed as I feel I am, as in love as I feel I know I’m probably not right now and that would be incredible unfair to the other person. I don’t want all the distractions when I’m with him, I want to be a little more secure, a little more happy and a little less round. And for once in my life I’m not rushing into something or getting myself involved in something far too quickly. I’m still trusting my instincts but I’m also thinking about everything, which probably makes me a little crazy at times and really full on. And if you really know me, you know how much I can’t wait for anything. Ever. I am so impatient its infuriating for myself because it means I spoil things. So perhaps this distance is going to help me appreciate those little things in life, keep me more in the present, and give me something to really enjoy if I start letting myself and believing the things I’m hearing regularly.

The only thing that really sucks about the distance is that there are those days where I really, really just need a hug and to be told things will be all okay in the end…and I can’t have that right now.

October vs Getting Sick

Autumn is ultimately my favourite time of year, October being my favourite month. I have many reasons really. I love the colours, from the trees to the fashion people choose to the sunsets and all the seasonal produce. I love how colourful the fruit and veg section in supermarkets look. I love wearing big long cardigans, ugg boots and scarfs. I love snuggling up in my dressing gown and a massive pot of tea. I love, when it’s not raining, and when it’s one of those crisp clear blue sky days, where its cold but the sun is shining. It makes the air seem cleaner. I love how all the good TV starts and how I get an urge to experiment with cooking again. I love Halloween. It’s one of my favourite holidays and this year I am hoping to readdress my Pagan beliefs by celebrating Samhain. Considering it marks the end, a day of celebrating what once was and the start of the new festival cycle I thought it would be the most appropriate to focus myself again. I have a lot I want to say goodbye to, and embrace what is to come. I have a lot to be thankful for, even though I struggle seeing the positives all the time. So I’m happy to see the back of the person I once was and getting to know myself again.
I’ve never really liked using the phrase “to find myself” because I think it sounds a bit pretentious but I do appreciate the meaning behind it. It’s taken me a while to get things set in motion but I’m not getting any younger (despite being fairly young still – or at least, young enough to do what I need and want to do) so I might as well do what I can to make my time here amazing, special and exactly the way I want it.

What I do really dislike about this time of year other than the amount of rain we get and the upcoming “Is it going to snow today?” arguments with the weatherman is getting sick. I don’t think a year has gone by that I haven’t got sick in October. Whether it’s been a head cold, swine flu, sinus infection, tonsillitis – anything, I always get sick. And I’m feeling it coming on already. So I’m not particularly feeling great, my throat is killing me, Mini-KAT is also a little under the weather, yet I still have to go out because I’ve run out of milk. And Eyeliner. And as a woman, a lack of eyeliner can usually ruin my day (I’m exaggerating – but I don’t like having naked eyes.)

It’s scary to think that soon we will be welcoming in 2013…that is unless the world really DOES end of course…