'I couldn't get out of bed when Bernie died - until I heard her voice in my head': Coleen Nolan on struggling to overcome her sister's death from breast cancer
- Coleen suddenly had difficulty coping on the anniversary of Bernie's death
- The TV star claims the grief has made her look at relationships differently
For the past 14 years, Coleen Nolan has been one of more the opinionated and outgoing women on the Loose Women panel.
But the TV star has now revealed that in the last few months, her struggles to cope with her sister Bernie Nolan's death from breast cancer left her in a downward spiral and even bedridden.
Bernie passed away in July 2013, and for the first nine months Coleen managed to carry on despite her grief.
Coleen Nolan on the This Morning sofa with Denise Robertson today
But the former singer has now revealed that turning 49 in March left her eventually unable to control her emotions any longer.
She said: 'Bernie's death took a year to sink in - it took me a year before I truly accepted the fact she was gone.
'The first year you're just wrapped up in the bubble and everyone's still around you.
'Then, in March of this year I turned 49, which was the age Bernie was when she found out she had breast cancer and then of course she died three years on.
'I started to get paranoid and anxious about everything - I stayed in bed at night planning my funeral and every ache and pain I got, I thought I had cancer.'
The roller coaster of emotions only got worse when July arrived - the first anniversary of Bernie's death.
Coleen pictured with This Morning's Denise Robertson opened up about her struggles after sister Bernie's death
Coleen told This Morning: 'In July there was the anniversary of her death and it just hit me like a ton of bricks.
'I missed her every day.
'But actually it was Bernie that got me through it though, because when I got to the point where I felt like I needed to get a grip or I wouldn't get out of bed, I could literally hear Bernie in my head shouting in my ear, "Coleen get out of bed!"'
Since Bernie's death has been that Coleen and her sisters have now managed to heal their family rift.
She said: 'Everything's back as normal now, which is the only good thing to come out of it.
'It's puts everything into perspective and makes you think life is too short.'
Coleen believes it has also made her see her relationship with husband Ray Fensome in a different light.
She said: 'I don't want to say that me and Ray have been blissfully happy for the last fourteen years because it's not true, we've had terrible times, but - touch wood - we've come through them.
'It works both ways (when it comes to relationship trouble), some people give up on the first hurdle and others don't think they ever should give up.
Bernie Nolan (left) in her role in police drama The Bill. After she became sick, the actress proudly displayed the results of her chemotherapy after undergoing treatment in 2010 (right)
'But I think since Bernie's death - Me and Ray work hard at our marriage, however - if I ever get to a point where it's just not working, I will walk away because I think we both deserve to be happy.'
One element very much beyond Coleen's control is impending adulthood of her youngest child, Ciara.
In five years, all of her three children; Shane Ritchie Jr, 26, Jake Roche, 21, and Ciara, 13, will have reached the age of eighteen and it is something that fills her with terror.
She said: '(My eldest) Shane's 26 this year -so for 26 years, everything I have done is for them (my children).
'Part of me feels like I've done a good job, so I should pat myself on the back, but another part of me feels like I don't know what to do now.'
Jake - the youngest of Coleen's two sons with Shane Ritchie - doesn't have any troubles of his own in deciding what he should be doing over the next few years.
His band Rixton has been signed by Justin Bieber's manager Scooter Braun and their single Me and My Broken Heart has already hit No.1 in the UK.
Coleen said: 'He's never at home, he has just got back home from Shanghai.
'I keep texting him things like, 'I hope you're eating properly, don't do drugs,' and he screen-shots the messages and puts them on Twitter.
'I'm not worried though, he has been around (showbiz) his whole life, so I'd knock him across the room if he ever threw any kind of diva strop.'
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