I'd vote for Vice president Barbie

Updated: 20:32 EST, 2 September 2008

With that glamorous upswept hairdo and those sexy librarian specs perched on a cutie-pie face, John McCain's running mate Sarah Palin reminded me of someone. Of course! We've had Police Officer Barbie and Olympic medal-winner Barbie. Now let's hear it for Vice-President Barbie.

Smartly dressed and smiling sweetly for this week's Republican convention, Vice-President Barbie has a range of surprising accessories. There's a rifle with which she hunts moose. It also comes in handy for a shotgun wedding when a hockey player called Levi impregnates your 17-year-old Christian daughter. Whoops!

There's the foxy swimsuit she wore in a beauty pageant to win money to put herself through college. And then there's the breast-pump and Blackberry, which Sarah Palin says enabled her to get back to work governing Alaska just three days after she'd given birth to a Down's baby boy.

Glamour-puss: Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin

Make no mistake, Vice-President Barbie is a force to be reckoned with. But she was chosen for just one reason. To come across as youthful and female when she stands next to the old guy who dashed into the toy store a few days ago, saying: 'Hey, I need a doll that looks good on TV. It must appeal to the ladies. Do you have one in red, with a Stars and Stripes brooch?'

Yes, I'm afraid it was that cynical and that insulting. John McCain had met 44-year-old Sarah Palin precisely once before he offered her one of the most important jobs in America. A Tesco shelf-stacker can expect a more rigorous interview process. As Sarah's father, Chuck, said: 'Holy cow. I'm just kinda speechless on the whole thing.'

Me, too, Chuck. John McCain, who had impressed as a man of courage and integrity, suddenly seemed as desperate as one of those businessmen who hires a gorgeous, high-class escort to take along to a corporate function to make him look good.

Big mistake. Now, even more floating Hillary Clinton supporters say they won't vote Republican, and already there's talk that she may be ditched.

There's a lesson here for British politicians. Our senior chaps also seem to regard women as interchangeable. Like the former Tory Cabinet minister who called every female MP Betty 'because you're all the same'. If it wears a bra, you can wheel it out to pronounce on women's issues, but for God's sake don't let it near the top job.

It doesn't help that my generation seems to have produced a dowdy bunch of on-message clones. Can you imagine Home Secretary Jacqui Smith shooting a grizzly bear and turning it into a trophy throw for her office sofa? For crying out loud, she is too much of a scaredy-cat to walk to a London kebab stall by herself. Harriet Harman as Deputy PM? She may wear the badge, but she sure ain't the sheriff.

Who can blame us for looking jealously across the Atlantic at feisty females such as Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton, even if we can't stomach all their views?

So there's an irony here. It was rash and patronising of John McCain to name the inexperienced Palin as his running mate, especially without investigating the sex lives of her family. But I can't help feeling delighted that the Republicans may have bitten off more than they can chew.

Vice-President Barbie may tick the right boxes, but she was not afraid to take on the vested interests of macho Alaska and even fall out with her own local party, whom she described as 'a bunch of rich, old white men'.

Sarah Palin may give those rich old white guys a surprise. Hang onto your hats, cowboys, there's a new doll in town. Say hello to Ball-Buster Barbie.

Strictly personal

Spare a thought for Lisa Snowdon. The fall-out from being George Clooney's exgirlfriend never ends. How can the Gods be so jealous that they must condemn lovely Lisa to be paired in the new series of Strictly Come Dancing with the oily lovesnake that is Brendan Cole?

The ex-model, who says that she hasn't had sex for a year, admits her heart sank when she found out that her up-close-andpersonal tutor would be the man whose specialist dance is the horizontal tango. Lisa, love, you'll just have to close your eyes and think of George. We all do it when the going gets tough.

I'm giving my girl the jab

Jade Goody says her cervical cancer went undiagnosed. Even though she sensed something was badly wrong, doctors sent her away with painkillers for period pain.

Now Jade, who has a big mouth but a decent heart, is concentrating on staying alive for the two little boys she adores.

Let it be a cautionary tale for all women. How many of us have put off the evil day when we go in for the hated smear test?

Let's face it, a cervical smear is like having sex with the Tin Man. Only much, much chillier. Trust me, if men had to have smear tests by now they'd have found a way of heating that damned probe.

From this school term, all Year 8 girls will be offered a cervical cancer vaccination. Despite the inevitable fears that surround anything new, I shall definitely be letting my daughter have it. It will give her 70 per cent protection against a virus that kills 400 women each year, many of them, like Jade, young and with children.

Please ignore those dire warnings that the jab will encourage promiscuity. Unless you think insulin encourages diabetics to go on a cupcakes binge.

On the contrary, the new campaign may alert teenage girls, who are blissfully ignorant of cervical cancer, to the dangers.

And a vaccination may be a darned sight more reliable than a health system that has left poor Jade Goody fighting for her life.

Back to school week

This is back-to-school week, and parents have got enough of a headache without Marks & Spencer bringing out a range of 'gangsta' uniforms, complete with hoodie tops and diamantecharms. An M&S spokeswoman said: 'Kids are very fashion-conscious and we need to appeal to different tastes. It's up to parents to decide what's right for their children.' Cheers, love. So who's going to be the one having the stand-up row in the uniform section with a daughter who thinks it's fine to look like a blingedup BeyoncÈ in a chemistry practical?

Isn't this pathetic deference to a hip-hop culture steeped in misogyny and urban grime just another example of adults allowing kids to call the shots?

Give his infidelity the Louboutin

Psychotherapist Gary Neuman has written a guide advising women on changes they can make to stop their partners from being unfaithful.

In The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray, Mr Neuman suggests a woman should always forgive her man, provide sex on demand, take an interest in his hobbies and praise him for providing for the family, even if she earns more than he does.

Thanks for that, Gary. I'll pass it on to my great-grandmother.

On the other hand, any ladies who don't fancy being a sex-slave doormat with an in- depth knowledge of fly-fishing could always save up for a pair of Christian Louboutin's new autumn shoes for Rodarte. I reckon these homicidal heels could come in handy for persuading the man in your life that playing away might be a tactical error.

A kick up the backside would stay there. Ouch.

It's the teachers, stupid!

Bad teaching is the guilty secret of our education system. Politicians pretend that all will be well for millions of under-performing children if they build more spanking new academies with a laptop for every pupil.

Well, it won't. It's not the buildings, it's the teachers, stupid.

Rude, barely socialised pupils, feeble sanctions against bad behaviour and appalling stress have driven thousands of gifted men and women out of the classroom. Too often they have been replaced by barely competent recruits with lousy qualifications. It's almost impossible to sack a teacher these days.

So, praise be for Christine Gilbert, our chief inspector of schools. Ms Gilbert has broken the conspiracy of silence and insisted that pupils are being let down by inadequate teachers. She has called for heads to be able to get rid of weak staff, something which parents surely have a right to hope is happening already.

I have a friend whose lively 12-year-old came home from her failing school in the North of England and said she wanted to leave. Bewildered Hannah had come to the sad conclusion that she was cleverer than most of her teachers.

Christine Gilbert would probably agree with her. The chief inspector says the 'revolving-door syndrome', which allows failed teachers to move to another, less picky school while they are under investigation, needs to be stopped.

Too true. Bad teachers should not have a job for life. Not when the futures of millions of children are at stake.