So, what if the Queen REALLY ran Great Britain...?
Oops! A BBC reporter let slip yesterday morning that Britain’s latest political lobbyist is the Queen.
The Monarch told BBC reporter Frank Gardner that she asked the Home Office to explain why radical Islamic preacher Abu Hamza could not be arrested. Well played, Ma’am!
Mr Gardner is in trouble, though. Buckingham Palace is furious at the disclosure and the BBC man apologised yesterday lunchtime for betraying confidences.
Would One be amused? What if the Queen didn't keep quite such a calm exterior and so tight lipped on political issues?
However, it all begs the question: what else gets the Queen’s political juices going? Have other members of the Cabinet had their ears bent by Her Majesty?
Having peered into the crystal ball, the Mail’s parliamentary sketchwriter Quentin Letts presents the (entirely imagined) policy submissions of a certain octogenarian resident of Windsor, Berks.
Email to new Transport Secretary Patrick McLoughlin
Patrick McLoughlin only recently became transport secretary in David Cameron's cabinet reshuffle
Heathrow airport to be expanded? One jolly well hopes not. It is already exceedingly hard, when in residence at Windsor Castle, to converse with the Duke of Edinburgh at breakfast.
The dining table is 20 yards long and the noise from those jetliners flying low over Berkshire on their approach to Heathrow means we have to bawl at each other like a couple of honking seals.
Philip, former naval commander that he is, has invested in a set of semaphore flags so that he can signal to me when he wants me to whizz him the marmalade.
Your predecessor, Miss Greening, was commendably solid on the Heathrow expansion plans. She and I spent long girly evenings in the private apartments sinking gin and Dubonnets while we discussed the matter.
I trust you will not cave in to money-obsessed Mr Osborne (does he have shares in the airport-building industry, or what?) on this most vexing of issues.
Memo to Business Secretary Vince Cable
This ‘mansion tax’ you keep banging on about: I take it that palaces will not be included. You do realise that otherwise I may have to emigrate to the Turks and Caicos islands.
Meeting with the Secretary of State for Defence, Philip Hammond
Ah, there you are, Secretary Hammond. Do stay standing to attention. This will not take long.
One has just read your proposals for the reduction in size of the Armed Forces — or should that be my Armed Forces? They strike me as more than unsatisfactory.
Regimental mergers? The sacking of soldiers by email? Pay for fighting men now lower than the sums paid to some privatised traffic wardens?
Stand to attention: Philip Hammond plans to reduce the size of Britain's armed forces
Prince William opened his monthly Air Force pay packet the other day and found therein a sum not unadjacent to Kate’s latest hatter’s bill.
I quite understand that Labour left a howitzer-sized hole in the Defence budget — when I tried to talk to Prime Minister Gordon Brown about Defence spending before the last election he used to stick his chewed fingers in his ears and hum — but this treatment of our troops is quite beyond the pale.
My Gurkhas are becoming distinctly twitchy.
Personal Tweet to Alex Salmond, First Minister of Scotland
Week’s fishing at Balmoral, keep all you catch? Or Scottish independence? Your choice, laddie.
Letter to Equalities Minister Lynne Featherstone (late summer 2012)
More from Quentin Letts for the Daily Mail...
- Baby-killing 'comedy' that's totally lost the plot: Cyrpus AVenue is more bleak than funny, writes QUENTIN LETTS 15/04/16
- Gulp. The PM plainly had no clue who Sir Arnold was: QUENTIN LETTS on yesterday in Parliament 13/04/16
- Russia's about to nuke us... and Corbyn's in charge! QUENTIN LETTS' first night review of The Motorcycle Diaries - a musical imagining the Labour leader as PM 13/04/16
- QUENTIN LETTS: Cameron's £9million pro-EU mailshot stinks. So I'm sending mine straight back! 12/04/16
- Withdraw! Not a chance snarled Skinner. Manic times, mes braves! QUENTIN LETTS on a day of drama in the Commons 11/04/16
- 5ft 1in, but the heart and talent of a giant: Comedy was in Ronnie's blood and he may well have joked about the size of his coffin if he had the chance, writes QUENTIN LETTS 31/03/16
- Strike a light! The cigar’s the star of this suffocating evening with stumbling Jeremy Irons: QUENTIN LETTS reviews Long Day's Journey Into Night 31/03/16
- Cowboy George swaggers through his Budget grilling: QUENTIN LETTS yesterday in Parliament 25/03/16
- Blusterer sagged at first - but was soon biffing back: QUENTIN LETTS watches Bojo demolish the mumbling Europhiles 23/03/16
- VIEW FULL ARCHIVE
I had the Archbishop of Canterbury in tears the other night — TEARS! — because you are apparently insisting on using my Government’s lawyers in European courts to stop British Christians wearing their crosses at work.
The Archbishop was chewing the corners of his beard and saying that it was ‘not fair’ that public money was being used to persecute decent churchgoers.
As Supreme Governor of the Church of England, I am praying that your career will not soon hit a skid patch. How very unfortunate that would be.
Text to Nick Clegg, Sept 2012
THX for demoting Featherstone to foreign aid in reshuffle. What a non-job — hah! That’ll learn her. Owe you one. PS. Are my party membership subs up to date?
Letter to new Environment Secretary Owen Paterson
Dear Secretary Paterson,
My Lord-Lieutenant in Shropshire tells me good things about you and assures me that you know one end of a Purdy from another.
Although we royals are no longer meant to take part in field sports in case some anti-hunt fanatic gets a snapshot of us on horseback, or putting a perforated pheasant out of its misery, it is good to know that you are in favour of vermin controls.
We trust that this will extend to controlling paparazzi from French magazines.
Wind farms: your scepticism is causing distress to the Comptroller of the Household, who points out that we turn a few decent shillings out of windmills. The Comptroller is an eminently sensible person.
I am sure that we could discuss this matter at the Sandringham shoot just after the New Year Honours list has been published. You do shoot, don’t you, Sir Owen?
I feel I should let you know that I am becoming increasingly minded to tell those fanatics at the RSPCA that they can forget the ‘R’ in their title.
Their support for some of the more extreme animal rights campaigns against the badger cull is starting to affect our ‘royal’ brand.
Memo to Secretary of State for Culture, Media, Olympics and Sport
The Duke of Wessex was most grateful for your help the other day. Rehearsing the pas de deux on the stage of the Royal National Ballet has long been his ambition. Didn’t he look ‘tutu’ perfect in his costume? Such a dear, Edward.
On another matter, I do hope that the new Arts Council chairman, Sir Peter Bazalgette, is a fan of Jim Reeves. Just my sort of music.
Royal tips: Education Secretary Michael Gove should take note - the Prince of Wales might have a few ideas for his next curriculum
Postcard to Education Secretary Michael Gove
TOP idea to get kings and queens taught in our schools again. Do you need help drafting the curriculum re: Oliver Cromwell? The Prince of Wales has assembled a few footnotes which your aides may find useful, particularly re: executions/Human Rights Act.
All best, ER.
Decoded telegram to William Hague, Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs
Recruitment: William Hague should keep a beady eye out for any vacancies on the world governing scene...
Please don’t forget to send us application forms for any upcoming vacancies for foreign governorships.
I think you mentioned Bermuda last time you and Mrs Hague (the Duke of York says ‘big Hi to Ffion’, by the way) were here for a state dinner.
Ascension Island? St Helena?
As you know, I am eager to find something for at least two of my children.
You seemed to think that sending the Princess Royal to the Falklands could be ‘provocative’, but as my late mother used to say: ‘It is no bad thing to let Johnny Argentino know precisely where you stand.’
A little bird tells me the governorship of Helmand Province came up for grabs this week. One for Harry? Perhaps you could have a word with ‘Pyjamas’ Karzai.
Private message to the Leader of the House of Commons
Dear Mr Lansley,
My office keeps being telephoned by a shouty man who claims to be ‘Speaker of the House of Commons’ and tells me to ‘butt out of things that are none of your business’.
When he telephones we can hear a woman in the background saying: ‘You tell her, John — stuff it to the old bat.’
Clearly these calls are hoaxes, but I thought you should know.
