CRAIG BROWN: New-fangled writing paper? It'll never work

By Craig Brown

PUBLISHED: 19:28 EST, 21 April 2014 | UPDATED: 19:28 EST, 21 April 2014

Another dip into the Historical Online Archive at Kew, where hundreds of thousands of ancient online comments and tweets from ordinary decent Britons down the ages are lovingly preserved . . .

ARCHDUKE FERDINAND ASSASSINATED, JUNE 28, 1914

The assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand - who? was the question of many people's lips

The assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand - who? was the question of many people's lips

Never heard of him.
Pete, Birmingham.

Me neither.
Derek, Chorley

So? Surely there’s more important things worth writing about?
@twitcher, Medway

I feel sorry for the guy. It can’t be nice, being assassinated.
Eileen, Dover

My cousin’s friend has a baby called Ferdinand, I think it’s a boy but it might be a girl. Can’t remember.
Diana, Staines

UNVEILING OF VERMEER'S GIRL READING AT AN OPEN WINDOW, 1659

What’s she doing with the window open at this time of year? She’ll catch her death.
Worried, Okehampton

OK, so you can read. Big deal. Get over it.
@Realist

Rubbish hair-do. Change your stylist, love.
Sophie Manchester

I agree. She needs extensions big-time.
Mandy, Rochester

CHURCHILL'S 'FIGHT THEM ON THE BEACHES' SPEECH, 1940

Winston Churchill, is fighting really the most appropriate activity for a beach?

Winston Churchill, is fighting really the most appropriate activity for a beach?

When I get to the beach I prefer sunbathing but I burn easily. Can NE1 recommend a decent high-factor sunscreen?
Reg, Southwold

The guy’s too old and we’ve heard it all before. This speech won’t persuade anyone.
Gillian, Middlesex

Has he got nothing better to do?
Rex

Politicians! They’re all the same!
@Truthteller

 

More...


BERLIN WALL BUILT, 1961

As a keen gardener, I’d advise a few well-chosen climbing plants and wall shrubs to brighten the wall up a bit. Clematis, wisteria and honeysuckle are among my personal favourites. Regular pruning highly recommended.
@greenfingers

It’ll never come down and that’s for sure.
Laura, Maidenhead

Typical modern architecture. To my mind, it would look a lot better with windows and doors.
Artlover, Edinburgh 

I blame the BBC.
Gavin, Droitwich

GEORGE ELIOT'S MIDDLEMARCH PUBLISHED, 1874

Middlemarch: Three stars, too many characters

Middlemarch: Three stars, too many characters

Talk about rubbish storylines. I’d have preferred it if Dorothea had been a bit tougher on old Casaubon, maybe shot him dead. And why couldn’t it be set somewhere more interesting like the Wild West.
@Raymond

Three stars. Too many characters.
Jeff, Hastings

You can tell it’s a bloke writing this tosh. Doesn’t understand women at all. Typical.
Sara, North Yorks

Haven’t got round to reading it yet. I prefer jigsaw puzzles.
Gillian, South London

PAPER INVENTED, CHINA, AD 105

Yet another gimmick. It’ll never catch on.
Alan P., London

The things they come up with! What’s wrong with carving on stone? Why can’t these people leave well alone, that’s what I want to know.
P. L., Herts

Brill new invention. The possibilities are endless. Can’t wait for the first Jeffrey Archer novel to appear.
Martin, Swindon

FOUNDING OF VENICE, AD 421

Not impressed.
Chas, Gosport

Those Italians will  do anything for attention.
@Rozza

Modern architects — they just don’t get it, do they? No way do these new cities have anything like the character of the old ones. Perhaps they think it’s ‘clever’ to stick two fingers up to tradition but to me it’s just showing off.
Nick, St Albans

At least all that water might keep the tourists away.
RS, Colchester

I’ve just seen a so-called ‘gondola’. Wouldn’t be seen dead in it. Hideous new contraption, here today, gone tomorrow.
@ritestuff

PUNCH AND JUDY SHOWS BEGIN, 1800

Punch and Judy shows, such mindless violence aimed at young children. Scandalous

Punch and Judy shows, such mindless violence aimed at young children. Scandalous

I’m thoroughly sickened by this cynical employment of wholly gratuitous violence aimed at under-age kiddies. Ban it!
Mary W., Chelmsford

Liked her, didn’t like him.
Steve, Potters Bar

Leave him, love!
Polly, Halifax

Frankly, I don’t blame the guy for clocking her, the way she goes on.
@tellitlikeitis

PREMIERE OF ST JOHN PASSION BY J. S. BACH

We the undersigned respect Mr Bach’s right to his religious beliefs but we object to his foisting of them on us in the form of music. Most people want their music free from Christian propaganda and do not want religions or religious identities to be actively prioritised by top composers.
ACG, London and 50 others

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It may be a joke but methinks DM doesn't know that..............

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Made me laugh. A good parody of all the gibberish posted online. Not that I haven't added to it. Oh No!

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This is amazing. The DM is trolling its own commenters!

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Did the new-fangled Chinese invention ever catch on then?

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Fakes - Eileen Dover is a joke name!!

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This article is very confusing. I have no idea what they are on about

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I think it's meant to be a joke article. Fail, as they say.

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"hundreds of thousands of ancient online comments and tweets from ordinary decent Britons down the ages are lovingly preserved".........................I don't get it, and they're not funny. ¿

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Poor effort even for him. Didn't even raise a chuckle. That 3 minutes he wasted writing it would have been better spent on the loo.

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I dont get it.

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What? hundreds of thousands of ancient online comments and tweets from ordinary decent Britons down the ages are lovingly preserved. You know DM tweets and the internet is a new thing right? and using @ as a tag is also recent? If you are going to dish up this sort of tripe and make our ancestors look dumb, at least do it with some intellectual integrity and not this post modern rubbish you think will appeal. ¿

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2 of 3 repliesSee all replies

What's the matter? Somebody amputate your funny bone?

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Methinks someone doesn't get it - the 'joke' has zoomed waaaay over his/her head.

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