LIZ JONES MOANS: Know what I hate most about know-it-all men?

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Know what I hate most about know-it-all men?

Updated: 16:19 EST, 17 August 2011

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Funny, outrageous and downright rude. Who’s in Liz Jones’ firing line this week?

'Probably, it is a fairly short runway if Hercules still land there, as those guys need only a relatively short landing strip...’

This stream of nonsense was from a man who has probably never flown a kite, telling me about an airstrip I was about to use in Africa.

Don’t you just hate know-it-all (KIA) men? They are mines of information about every tedious subject under the sun. One man, the husband of a friend, came to stay with me and remarked: ‘I think you’ll find you live in Devon.’

Know-it-all men: Liz isn't very keen on this type of man

I live in bloody Somerset! Another, giving my car the once over, said: ‘Isn’t your BMW worth less than the cost of any repairs?’

This from a person who has never passed his driving test! The BMW remark was a very toxic combination of know-it-all mixed with put-down.
I used to be intimidated by KIA men, keeping my mouth shut in case I appeared stupid.

But now, having gone through the menopause and no longer in possession of any nurturing hormones, I challenge them. That military manoeuvres expert at the beginning of this moan also said to me: ‘Only 10 per cent of women would pay more at Primark to ensure workers have a living wage.’

When I said, ‘Hmm, what is that figure based on?’ he had no idea. He’d made it up! My husband was a combination of Jeremy Paxman and Cliff Clavin from Cheers. In India, he said: ‘Don’t touch the cats, they all have rabies.’

They are mines of information about every tedious subject

He returned from the bathroom (why do men always seem to be in the loo? It’s so annoying!) to find me sat by a bonfire with two ferals nestling in my lap, purring. Men find being corrected emasculating, like when you say, as I did to the landing strip man: ‘Do you shave your head to disguise the fact you’re going bald?’

The problem is, KIA men have wives who never demur, so they get worse and worse, firing off untruths to make themselves appear clever and worldly. The wives keep quiet because they want some rubbish put out later in the week.

Ruined: Gwyneth Paltrow

But remember — you are sending your ill-informed, pompous menfolk out in to the world to interact with me, and I can no longer stand it! It is your duty to bring these berks back to earth.

CELEB BRAIN-DEAD MOMENT OF THE WEEK

Gwyneth Paltrow claims in German OK! magazine that her intensive yoga sessions ‘ruined’ her body.

‘I somehow lost my waist because of intense yoga training and became almost boxy,’ she explains.

‘But with stretching and Pilates exercises I hit form again.’

God, I hate these exercise bores — and I swear that they’re multiplying by the minute.

CRIME AGAINST FASHION

This is Lady Gaga in a Versace snakeskin dress, a pair of Louboutins she can barely stand in without wobbling and a pair of Versace sunglasses.

She has gone from being avant-garde and almost anti-fashion to wearing head-to-toe catwalk looks, like just another Victoria Beckham or Beyoncé Knowles.

Worse, she is wearing python, which may have been skinned after the animal was force-fed water to loosen the skin and its head nailed to a tree.

Fashion crime? Lady Gaga in a Versace snakeskin dress, a pair of Louboutins and a pair of Versace sunglasses

Now how edgy does this stupid star seem? Do you still think of her as the champion of the misfit, the underdog?

It turns out she is as seduced by bling as the rest of them. I find this dress as distasteful as the veal Kate Moss served up for her wedding breakfast.

How about we get Mario Testino to photograph the calves having their throats slit, too?