First woman to work on Afghan front line reveals how crippling Post Traumatic Stress Disorder left her house bound and suicidal

• Michelle Sanderson from Wigan witnessed horrific scenes in Afghanistan
• She used to have nightmares and even wet the bed
• Discharged from RAF after 20 years service in 2012 
• Diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
• Says she felt suicidal and hated leaving the house
• Eventually sought help for mental illness 

By Lucy Waterlow for MailOnline

Published: 09:08 EST, 29 April 2015 | Updated: 09:36 EST, 29 April 2015

As a former RAF Paramedic on Afghanistan's front line, Michelle Sanderson witnessed horrific scenes as she endeavoured to help wounded civilians and soldiers.

The upsetting work took its toll and after her third tour of duty she was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and discharged in 2012 after 20 years of service.

She struggled to adapt to life back at home in Wigan as she continued to be haunted by the scenes she had seen in the war zone (warning graphic content follows).

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Former RAF Paramedic Michelle Sanderson witnessed horrific scenes while serving in Afghanistan. She appeared on today's This Morning to reveal how she suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Michelle, pictured left, was the first female to serve on the front line and 'didn't know what to expect'

She explained on today's This Morning: 'I was the first female to go out on the front line. I didn't know what to expect. I hadn't thought about it, I just thought of it as another tour. 

'One of the worst casualties I had seen had lost both legs high up and parts of his testicles, when we turned him over he didn't have a backside. 

'We were packing the wounds so I had to put my hands inside to do that. I could his touch his spine, it makes me feel sick talking about it - that shouldn't happen.'

Such horrific memories continued to give Michelle nightmares and she often wet the bed.

She became so overcome with the events she had witnessed she became moody, angry and withdrawn.

She told presenters Phillip Schofield and Amanda Holden how her life gradually unravelled as she didn't want to accept her mental illness. 

She explained: 'After the first tour my mood changed and friends and family noticed. I ignored it, I didn't want to look weak, it (mental illness) is embarrassing and there is a stigma around mental health.

'But in the end I had to admit it. I wanted to push my boss's face through the window, that's not normal. I gave my fiance so much hassle they left as they couldn't deal with it.'

RAF medic Michelle overcame PTSD with The Speaksmans

Michelle tells Nik Speakman how she can't cope going out in public without wearing headphones

Michelle's PTSD became so bad so couldn't even cope leaving the house. If she went out in public, she had to wear headphones to block out the noise and she felt so low, she admitted she considering taking her own life.

'I started look at ways to kill myself so it would look like an accident,' she admits.

This Morning showed footage of how fragile Michelle's mental state was after asking her to try going into a shopping mall. Despite wearing headphones, she said she felt smothered by the noise and the people. Her heart rate soared to 150 beats per minutes and she broke down in tears and had to leave, supported by her mother.

'Logically I was in a shopping centre but I panicked and had to get out,' she told therapists The Speakmans, who want to see if they can help Michelle overcome her problems.

Nik Speakman said on This Morning: 'She's a hero but she's suffering and shouldn't have to. She's seen things no one should ever see.'

Eva Speakman agreed that Michelle was experiencing all the classic symptoms of PTSD and like many people, she felt embarrassed and ashamed about it.

'We need to get rid of that stigma,' Eva said.

Accompanied by her mother, Michelle tries going into a shopping mall but the experience sets her heart racing, as illustrated in the graphic right, and she has a panic attack

But after therapy from The Speakmans, left, Michelle is able to return and enjoy a trip to the shops

The couple have successfully treated people around the world with issues and anxiety disorders ranging from OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), addictions, and phobias.

Most recently on This Morning, they helped a woman overcome her fear of snakes live on the show.

Eva said their techniques work because they use a behaviouri approach to therapy and focus on looking forward, not back.

With Michelle, she said they didn't dwell on the traumatic scenes she had witnessed but instead focused on her feeling towards herself now.

'We helped her understand why she felt that way and changed her view,' Eva explained.

As a result of the therapy, Michelle said she now feels like a new woman. 

She said: 'Before it's like I was living in PTSD bubble and it was all I thought about. Now I can go out and I feel like I'm seeing world again for the first time.'

She admitted that she still suffers from nightmares occasionally but she can now socialise and feels comfortable going out in public. 

Appearing on today's This Morning, she said The Speakmans saved her life and now she wants to help others

On a return visit to the shopping mall where she had her panic attack, her behaviour was transformed. She didn't need the headphones and was happy and relaxed browsing the shops.

She said she was 'stunned and gobsmacked' by her change in mood and said she's so grateful to The Speakmans for helping her.

'I want to say thank you, I had planned to kill myself and now I'm living life again,' she told them as they joined her on the This Morning sofa.

Now she said she wants to help others overcome PTSD and show them there is hope for the future. 

She hopes by sharing her story on the ITV show - and through her blog - she can help others see there is no shame in mental illness and seeking help to overcome it. 

She said: 'I want to use my bad experience to help others and show mental health is important as physical health. It does matter and people need to be aware of that.'