The best way of getting over someone IS getting under someone else! Tracey Cox on why jumping into bed helps heal a broken heart... especially when it's an ex

  • Contrary to popular belief jumping into bed after a break up can help 
  • It helps to re-boost self-esteem and make us feel better about ourselves
  • By sleeping with an ex we can gain comfort as well as just sex  

By Tracey Cox for MailOnline

Published: 02:21 EST, 3 June 2015 | Updated: 04:45 EST, 3 June 2015

You’ve just been dumped and you’re hurting.

Do you a. take time to get over the split and not rush into anything new or b. jump into bed with a sexy stranger for some hot revenge or rebound sex?

Contrary to popular belief (and the internet which thrives on anything with the remotest link to a revenge sex theme), only about a third of people have actually had rebound sex and only 16 per cent revenge sex.

Tracey says that contrary to popular belief jumping straight back into bed with someone after a break-up can as it can make us feel better about ourselves quicker than if we wait

Tracey says that contrary to popular belief jumping straight back into bed with someone after a break-up can as it can make us feel better about ourselves quicker than if we wait

If we do, it’s actually not the random guy on Tinder or down the pub we reach for when seeking to replace a much-missed warm body in our bed.

It’s far more likely to be a friend or another ex.

A University of Missouri report found only five percent of people (aged 18-29) who’d had revenge/rebound sex had it with someone they’d just met.

Twenty percent had it with the person they’d just split from (does this really count or in another category altogether?), 21 per cent with a friend or acquaintance and 54 per cent with another ex.

Revenge sex appears to be less about sex and more about cuddles and comfort with someone we trust and who knows us.

This is what’s happening - but is it healthy?

One New York study (2014) says a definitive yes.

Of the 77 people (18-39-year-old’s, mainly women) who started a new relationship relatively quickly, the vast majority got over their loss, felt better about themselves and moved on faster than those who waited.

Tracey says that by sleeping with an ex you can gain comfort and support rather than just sex

Tracey says that by sleeping with an ex you can gain comfort and support rather than just sex

But other factors obviously make an enormous difference - and it’s also important to remember that these studies, like most, are conducted on young university students.

Not surprisingly, the older you are, the less likely you are to have either rebound or revenge sex.

I’d like to think age makes us more mature about life and loss and more inclined to think through the consequences of spur-of-the-moment sex with the guy serving us at Starbuck’s (or, if the study is to be believed, booty calling Dave who we slept with in 1980).

I suspect, however, it’s more to do with ageing libidos making the need for sex less urgent generally.

But how serious the relationship was, whether the split was expected and our personality are also crucial factors that need to be taken into account, as well as age.

Some people need time to dissect and analyse before they feel safe enough to trust their body or heart to a new person.

Other people favour distraction techniques - like throwing themselves into work or on top of someone else.

If you’re a classic ‘monkey’ in relationships - not letting go of the branch of one relationship until you’ve got your hand firmly on the next - I wouldn’t advise racing back to bed.

‘Monkeys’ tend to be blissfully unaware of any toxic relationship patterns and destined for a Groundhog Day series of love affairs.

But if you know what went wrong, there’s no chance you’re ever getting back together and staying in licking your wounds is just making you feel miserable rather than offering insights, why shouldn’t you get back out there?

'Time heals, but slowly. Time plus changed circumstances heals faster,' says Jeremy Sherman, a US evolutionary epistemologist studying practical realities of decision making.

He’s right - and this advice isn't just applicable when the split is new and raw.

Divorce experts say it takes around 18 months to two years for most couples to work through and finalise a divorce and there’s a perception that you should wait until your old life has ended before your new life can start.

But US therapist Susan Pease Gadoua (who specialises in divorce and co-authored The New ‘I do’) echoes this new thinking by heartily recommending people doing everything from starting a new job to starting dating again during, rather than after, the divorce is finalised.

Perhaps our new break-up mantra should be 'Life is short. Grieve less. Live more.'

Read more from Tracey and find her books and products at traceycox.com 

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