The battle of the sex manuals

by CHERRY MASLEN, Daily Mail

Do sex manuals really make sense, or do they just cause confusion? To find out, we examined one for men and one for women - How To Succeed With Women, and How To Find The Right Man For The Real You - and scoured them for guidance on everything from dating to sex and commitment.

Here, subject by subject, we compare the advice ...

When to phone

What men are told:

Don't assume a woman isn't interested if she fails to return phone calls. Women call when they feel like it; they don't act rationally. Remember, a woman is not here to make your life easy. If she doesn't call back, call her again and pretend your first message never happened.

What women are told:

If you go out on a date with a man, and he doesn't call you afterwards, don't call him. It's obvious he's not interested. Don't call a man every night if he only calls you once a week.

Should you just be yourself?

Men:

It's a myth to think that you can just 'be yourself' and women will desire you. You should bring out different parts of yourself in seduction situations. Just as you were taught how to behave at a formal dinner, you must learn how to behave when dating. After all, women do this when they put on make-up and push-up bras.

Women:

Be yourself. Don't try to act like someone you're not. Whenever you're acting and holding back, you're being dishonest with a man.

Being yourself is one of the most powerful things you can do to attract the right man. The more natural and relaxed you are, the more natural and relaxed the right man will feel around you, and the more he will want to be with you - until he can't live without you!

When to start having sex

Men:

When you meet a woman you like, ask her on a 'priming date'. The purpose of a priming date is to meet a woman for just long enough to create a romantic connection. We suggest 30 to 75 minutes and no longer.

On a priming date, you are priming her for seduction. It's like preparing a camp stove before lighting it.

You only need a few simple moves to create a hot little fire. Without proper preparation, you are always working too hard to get what you want to happen. When you attempt to seduce a woman, spend as little time as possible with her before having sex. Then you will have less time to make a mistake fatal to the seduction.

Women:

Postpone having sexual intercourse for as long as possible. Wait until you are emotionally intimate with a man before you become sexually intimate. At its best, sex is the union not only of physical bodies, but of hearts and spirits as well.

Should you tell each other everything?

Men:

Don't share everything with her. Many of your thoughts don't help a long-term relationship. Your longing for a woman who has larger breasts, or occasional thoughts about leaving her are not always smart.

No matter what woman you commit to, she will have qualities that bug you. Complain to your men friends about these flaws, and let go of them when you are with her.

Women:

Be honest about your feelings. You should feel you can discuss anything and everything. Emotional honesty creates instant intimacy.

When you are emotionally honest with a man, it gives him permission to be honest with you. If you aren't honest, the relationship will stay on a superficial level. The more you both share, the more intimacy you'll experience, and the more likely you'll create a future together.

Commitment

Men:

A woman who is having sex with you, and who doesn't want a commitment, is a wonderful find. If you want to date several women at once, this is an ideal woman to have. She is a perfect addition to your harem.

What could be better than a woman who is willing to sleep with you on an irregular basis, without demanding a formal relationship?

Women:

Once you are dating someone, at some point, within weeks and certainly by a few months, you will need some kind of commitment in order to go forward.

This should be a commitment to be sexually and emotionally monogamous, which can be called a level one commitment. If a man refuses to make a level one commitment very soon into the relationship, you should say goodbye.

The relationship will not be able to grow without monogamy, and if your partner doesn't respect and value you enough to offer you that commitment, he's not worth waiting for.

Sex in a committed relationship

Men:

Sex is the heart and blood of a passionate relationship. Always experiment with new types of sexual play and forever strive to keep your sex life fresh. Your sex life is what separates your relationship with your girlfriend from the other relationships in your life.

Even if you initially don't feel like having sex with her, make yourself. The desire will start once you do.

Women:

The foundation of a great relationship that is built to last a lifetime is intimacy, and not sex. Don't do things you're uncomfortable doing, even if it means jeopardising the relationship.

Don't try to become some kind of woman you think your partner wants in bed.

That means if you are not into wild, adventurous sex, don't try to act that way.

If your boyfriend wants sex three times a day and that's just too much for you, don't agree to it and then resent him.

How to recognise potential problem partners

Men:

  • Avoid women who believe their feelings at any moment are the most important thing in the universe. They can never just get on with life.

  • A woman with lots of health problems, allergies for instance, or food sensitivities, can be trouble. A woman who needs never to be around perfume or in a room where someone once smoked a cigarette can be impossible and unstable in relationships.

  • Be wary of a woman who is incredibly sensitive. She will think you think she's fat, or not attractive, at the slightest provocation. And you won't dare look at another woman while she's around.

  • Avoid a woman who becomes furious if you don't automatically know what she needs at all times. Your inability to be psychic is proof, in her mind, of your insensitivity.

  • Be wary of women who are either on or off sexually, and you never know which you are going to get. One night she'll be incredibly amorous, the next she'll become furious at a little remark you made.

    Women

  • If he dislikes talking about feelings and always keeps things light, he may be too afraid to let you get close.

  • If he's a flirt and attracts women like flies, he is a possible cheater and you'll never feel secure.

  • If he is still in contact with one or more exs and won't introduce you, he is not emotionally available and won't be able to commit.

  • If he acts cool and aloof and never shows his vulnerable side, he's emotionally unavailable. You'll never relax and feel safe.

  • If he has to have sex all the time, he's sexually addicted and can't be intimate without it. You'll feel used.

    Adapted from How To Succeed With Women by Ron Louis and David Copeland, and The Real Rules: How To Find The Right Man For The Real You by Barbara De Angelis.

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