BECKS: You're a money-grabbing has-been so toddle back to Hollywood and retirement
MIGHTY Spurs can't get a player in the England team - but Boro can
WHO is the most exciting David Platt? You decide...

Last updated at 10:27 27 March 2008

A quick letter to Goldenballs...

Dear David,

How much exactly did the kind people of adidas pay you to sully the occasion of your 100th England cap by wearing white boots for the warm-up and a hideous golden pair for the match?

Yes, you're an international showman, who has served his country well. But you're also a money-grabbing has-been, who can't resist an easy buck.

Yesterday's HATCHET MAN

Tuck your 100 caps under one arm, heave your wallet into the nearest wheel-barrow and kindly toddle off back to Hollywood. Such crass antics are applauded there as good, old Yankee ingenuity. It's the American way, apparently.

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Beckham off

Strategy: Fabio Capello gives Beckham some advice

It said everything when you huffed and wheezed your way off on 62 minutes in Paris to make way for the next DB. What did you contribute to Fabio Capello's first defeat?

A couple of raking 50-yard passes. A smattering of blocked crosses. Not good enough, I'm afraid. David Bentley showed more urgency racing from the bench to his wing position.

It is quite right that you are applauded for your heroics in an England shirt. That free-kick against Greece, the penalty against Argentina and your free-kick against Ecuador. Bravo.

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David Beckham v France

Top earner: Beckham is reported to earn almost £25m a year

In fact the only thing I can fault you for - apart from last night's gold boot abomination - is not kicking Diego Simeone harder in 1998. If you're going to get yourself sent off, son, do something to deserve it.

I now advise you to do the honourable thing and retire. Everyone likes a round number and 100 is as far as Victoria can count.

beckham in leather trousers

Home banker: Mrs Beckham in her spray-on leathers

If you don't, there's a certain Italian in specs, who has dropped you twice before - once at Real Madrid and once from England - waiting to shove you into your retirement plan.

It'll be Brooklyn's turn before you know it.

Yours sincerely

Mr H Man, Sportsmail Towers

PS. I was only joking about Victoria and her counting - I imagine you closely monitor her credit card bills.


Not dull: A different Platt

While we're on Goldenballs, after 100 appearances, you'd think England's favourite son would know the correct words to the national anthem.

But, after the column's plea yesterday - "If you're going to the game in Paris, can you please try to remember that the last line of the National Anthem is God save THE Queen, not God save OUR Queen?" - Becks got it wrong just as the TV camera swept across his chiselled features.

There goes the knighthood...


Ashley Cole tackle v Tottenham March 2008

Hit him hard: Ashley Cole needs more than just being put on report for this kind of challenge

Frank Lampard returned to the team hotel before kick-off apparently feeling unwell.

Hatchet Man gives absolutely no credence whatsoever to the rumour that Parisian excess baggage handlers were on strike and Fat Fra... sorry Lamps was left at Charles de Gaulle Terminal Un.


An observation from last night - where is the English Nicolas Anelka?

There's no such player. And how damning is that?


A sign of the times? Or a sign that Tottenham are not all their cracked up to be?

Not one single Spurs player in the England starting XI. Manchester United had four representatives and Chelsea three.

And before all you Lillywhites say it, Arsenal may not have had any players with Three Lions emblazoned on their chests but - say what you will - there was a lone French Gunner.

Even Middlesbrough had a player on the pitch by the end after Stewart Downing came on at half-time. Maybe Juande Spurs will be as big and good as they think they are.


David Platt is the only man in the football media who makes Alan Shearer sound interesting.

As one Sportsmail hack remarked last night: "Has he got a cold?"

No that's how is always sounds - monotone and dull.

And don't get me started on Platty referring to John Terry as JT and Becksy as David.

Thank God for Corrie's mum-almost-murdering namesake for kicking such Platt-itudes into touch despite it blowing a Gail [groan].


Hatchet Man spies reports that in a certain Scottish pub in London, Franck Ribery's goal flash provoked a louder cheer than Kenny Miller's wonder strike against Croatia.

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I would like to assure all my Scottish readers that I found Cristian Panucci's stoppage-time winner for Italy at Hampden last November in no way amusing. And I definitey, absolutely, certainly, really like the taste of Scottish beer. It's yummy.


There's been a lot of chat recently about adopting rugby league's "putting players on report" approach to dealing with incidents the referee hasn't seen.

The theory goes that Mike Riley, who obviously didn't see Ashley Cole's horror challenge on Alan Hutton, puts Cole 'on report' for a three-man video panel to pass judgement on within seven days. A ban may then follow a guilty charge.

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As much as Hatchet Man loves proper rugby (the 13-a-side game, of course) - the report system won't work in football.

Imagine Cole being put on report, found guilty and banned for three games. Chelsea then draft in England international Wayne Bridge from their ample and star-studded squad.

Some punishment that would be. Spurs, the wronged side let's not forget, would gain no benefit and the clubs that would really suffer would be the poorer less well-nourished ones.

That's why Hatchet favours video referees with real powers. It's up to the FA to make it work. Over to you, suits...


Talk about launching an invasion while a nation is fighting on another front.

Last night the Emirates played host to Sweden v Brazil and Ghana took on Mexico at Craven Cottage as England marched on the Stade de France.

It's the international version of the 39th step and it MUST stop.


Justin Fashanu, Chris Sutton, Robert Green. All great products of the Norwich City youth system. Whatever happened to that, eh?

The Canaries, 17th in the Coca-Cola Championship, have seven players on loan - and counting - Ched Evans (Man City), Mo Camara (Derby), Ryan Bertrand (Chelsea), James Henry (Reading), Alex Pearce (Reading), Kieran Gibbs (Arsenal) and Maceo Rigters (Blackburn).

And Glenn Roeder's appetite is still not sated, the former Toon and West Ham boss is interested in borrowing Shola Ameobi too.

Now, Hatchet Man doesn't have a prodigious knowledge of Norwich's Academy talent pool, but there must be at least one Canary chick capable of keeping Shola out of the team - after all, Alan Smith is doing it at Newcastle.


I know that I've been bleating on about Newcastle United being a big club of late - albeit a shambolic under-achieving one - but evidence has come to my attention which suggests they're not even the best team in the city.

VIDEO: The Siege of St James'....


Billionaire Chelsea boss Roman Abramovich buys £80million biggest drill on earth.

Click here to see it

Needed to bore a hole in the Stamford Bridge doors, perhaps? Chelsea expecting a big-headed arrival? I thought Ronaldinho was off to AC Milan.


It's WAG of the week time. International retirement can't be all that bad a prospect for Becks. At least he gets to spend more time with the leather-clad Victoria.

Loos in a bikini

Away trip: Rebecca Loos

Failing that there's always this curvy lady...

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