JOHN PRESCOTT (as told to Craig Brown): My ten-point plan to improvise Lewd Neighbour

John Prescott

Umbs thup: John Prescott

What I always say is there’s nothing right with Labour that can’t be put wrong and that’s why I’ve developorated this ten-point plan. In fact, it has only eight points, owing to necessary cutbacks.


Women’s tissues this, women’s tissues that, to be honest I’ve had it up to my earbrows with women’s tissues. I’ve got the very greatest of disrespect for Harriet Harman, bless her pretty little head, not my type but there you go, she makes a lovely cup of tea, and believe me I’m a lovelorn supporter of women, always have been, always will be, they brighten our lives, but sometimes I wish they’d all just pipe down, get on with their knitting, have a nit of a batter and let their husbands get on with doing what we’re best at, which is being the administrivators.


We’ve got to go out there and tell it like it is and if it isn’t like it is then we’ve got to tell it like it isn’t but like it would be if it were what it is which it would be if it was but it isn’t which is why we’ve got to go out there and tell it like it is. So let’s not bush round the beat. I’m all for spain bleach.

We’ve got to go round docking on gnaws getting our massage across cloud and leer.


Why’s everybody being so defeatist? It makes me want to give up. I mean, look at the Europa elections, we decided we were going to lose it, so we did nothing. And doing nothing’s just the same in my book as not doing something.

At the end of the day, if you do nothing you’re not doing something, you’re doing nothing. And believe me there’s nothing I won’t do to do something to get us re-elected.

So what I want to say is this, no, let me finish, this is what I want to say. We can still win the next general electrification. We’ve got a late greeder in Boredom Growl. He’s a man who’s respectivated the world over as a really wavy-hate, and we’ve got to full our pingers out and get squall-fair behind him.


AS I say, there’s far too much defeatist thinking. I’m always going round saying there’s far too much defeatist thinking and if it goes on like this then we’ll really be done for, we’ll not only lose this general electrification but we’ll lose the one after that and the one after that too if we’re not careful. We’ve got to take inaction.

At the end of the day, we’ve got to go round shaking the voters and telling them to stop being so defeatist by delivering a knock-out blow to each and every one of them.


Believe you me, Labour’s got Tink-Thanks coming out of its ears. We’ve got so many Tink-Thanks that there’s no one prepared to stop thinking and roll up their sleeves and pull out their fingers and button up their trousers and just get on with doing a decent wob of jerk.

At the end of the day, I didn’t get where I am today by thinking. What we so desperavatedly need is to cut back on thinking and initiavate major increases in unthinking.

Don’t believe what you read in the Poles. What I don’t understand about our positioning is that I don’t know of no other Labour governmental in the entire history of the world that’s got such a superbly record as this one has, whether it’s on the economonomy or edjudication, I’m sorry, I’ve had my say now let me have mine.


No one wants another Tory government with all their savage butt-cracks. We all know that the only party to stand up for the tights of ordinary decent perking weeple is Lewd Neighbour and we’ve got a Prim Monster in Boredom Growl who hoots from the ship.

So let’s hear no more about any returnment to the bad old days of the Conservatories, because if it’s rising unemployment and a recession you want then we’re the ones to turn to.


Whatever happened to our communicivation skills, that’s what I want to know. We need to say what we mean and mean what we need to say and, above all, say we need what we mean to say when we mean to need it. It’s that simplificity. We’ve got to get our massage across cloud and leer.

We’ve got a class-first record and frankly it’s a record we’ve got to start shouting from the tooth-rots, so that no one is left in any adultery about what we have done and what we are doing to go.


Where’s the stampaign crategy? For lying out crowd, we’ve got to developovise a stampaign crategy. At this moment in time, David Macaroon is not being hailed to account and that’s what concerts me. We’ve got to greta gip. It’s a case of all wands to the heel and whacks to the ball, and at the end of the day you can’t stay furry than that.


The comments below have been moderated in advance.

The views expressed in the contents above are those of our users and do not necessarily reflect the views of MailOnline.

We are no longer accepting comments on this article.

Who is this week's top commenter? Find out now