Home Top

Mexico's billion-dollar drug lord escaped prison on an underground motorbike: Eighteen guards questioned after bike on rails, oxygen tanks and lights are found in El Chapo's elaborate mile-long tunnel
John Gotti personally executed the real-life Joe Pesci 'Goodfella' on the night he was due to be 'made' - after the victim tried to rape a fellow gangster's wife, new book reveals
Can you solve this antique collector's clues that will lead you to gold-filled treasure chest buried in the desert?
Greece caves in: Athens accepts a raft of demands from its EU creditors - but will it be enough to keep them in the euro?
Bobby Brown and his wife welcome baby girl as Bobbi Kristina enters third week in hospice care
Finally, some advice that could save your marriage: How the experts say you should stack the dishwasher
Hop on board! Raft guide rescues an abandoned bear cub from a river by coaxing her onto his boat and paddling her to safety
Two flight attendants and a passenger taken to hospital after Washington-bound United Airlines flight rocked by severe turbulence
Cities across the country report a 'scary' rise in violent crime: Shootings rise by up to 18 per cent after months of anti-cop anger
Enraged author issues withering riposte to Twitter troll for body-shaming Wimbledon champion Serena Williams
Roger Federer's formula for final? Renting TWO houses to avoid being disturbed by his young family
Why don't Wimbledon TWIGS at least do some knitting? writes LIZ JONES
King Novak! Djokovic beats Roger Federer in dramatic Wimbledon final for second successive year in front of a star-studded crowd
Phew! £2,000 for filthy band Andy Murray threw to Camilla who was sitting in the Royal Box on Centre Court
Nick returns Pat's serve: Tennis bad boy Kyrgios tweets - and then deletes - his anger after Rafter said we need 'stars Australia can be proud of'
Trump claims 15,000 supporters came to watch his Phoenix speech: Rapidly rising presidential candidate boasts of his success after tickets to 'free' event sold for $100
Trump takes incendiary immigration views to the GOP faithful: Tycoon says he'd fine 'cunning' Mexico $100,000 for every illegal immigrant who crosses border in order to 'take back our country'
John Kerry says deal with Iran is 'within reach' as decision on nuclear talks is postponed until Monday
'Thanks to Donald Trump the Republican mascot is also an ass': Letterman abandons retirement to deliver withering Top Ten list mocking controversial candidate at Steve Martin's comedy show
Rescue pilot Wills takes to the air again: Prince starts news job with air ambulance team (and he'll have to take a packed lunch because there's no canteen)
Harry the tusk warrior: War veteran Prince is back in the front line - fighting ivory poachers with helicopter team over Namibian national park
'Outlawz' rapper who collaborated with Tupac on infamous 'Hit em up' is killed in car crash
How the world's newest glacier is forming on Washington's Mount St. Helens... site of the deadliest volcanic eruption in US history
A quickie Vegas ceremony in a blue mini dress vs. a three-day London fete in regal Valentino: How Nicky Hilton's 2004 wedding differed in every way from her 2015 palace vows (except sister Paris who made it to both)

The return of Jean Slater sparked another EastEnders 'issue' before yet another 'shock' pregnancy. The week in Walford, by JIM SHELLEY

Published: 15:18 EST, 10 July 2015 | Updated: 04:21 EST, 11 July 2015

View
comments

In EastEnders it was a harrowing, depressing, week for Stacey.

So no change there then...

She spent the four episodes dreading her bipolar disorder was worsening, trying to get over her crush on Kush, and dealing with the shock that she was pregnant – presumably by his replacement Martin Fowler, the gormless giant she is living with but often cannot even stand any more than we can.

Scroll down for video

Happy, happy, happy: Stacey spent the week dreading her bipolar disorder was worsening, trying to get over her crush on Kush, and dealing with the shock that she was pregnant – presumably by Martin Fowler - for the gormless giant she was going seeing to forget about Kush

As if this wasn't enough her mother Jean Slater turned up. Poor Stace... And us.

There's only one thing worse than Jean Slater when she's having problems and that's Jean Slater in a good mood. She was visiting for the first time in months (all the way from Brighton) to announce that she was getting married.

'Have you got a date in mind?' asked Stacey.

'It's tomorrow!' wittered Jean, setting a new Personal Best by managing to make a two-word sentence unbearable.

After the recent string of illnesses ranging from Jade's cystic fibrosis to Nancy's epilepsy, most of the week was duly devoted to examining and illustrating the 'issues' surrounding bipolar disorder.

Stacey and Jean spent Monday and Tuesday taking turns accusing each other of not taking their medication.

Jean was certainly behaving maniacally about her impending wedding to Sergeant Boyden from 'The Bill'.

For instance, she trilled that her dress was 'vintage.'

'The lady in the shop said it went with my face,' she explained. Not that old sales' trick...

Jean was also very keen on Stacey's new 'boyfriend' (of two weeks). 'He seems nice!' she trembled about Martin – which suggested she really was unhinged.

Jean was less generous about her daughter though, carping meanly 'you never cease to disappoint me' when Stacey repeatedly expressed concern about Jean's 'elf'. (Only in EastEnders could this be grounds for a row.)

She then snatched the precious key that Stacey's bruvver Sean (Robert Kazinsky) had given her before he left Walford for Hollywood - the only thing Stacey owned that had belonged to her father.

Jean refused to reveal the heirloom's significance and then maliciously flushed it down the loo – or pretended to.

Worry lines: Stacey's expression is so permanently worried she looks like an anxious human hamster

Frowning: Stacey attempts to squeeze one more frown line out of her forehead

When Jean then used Stacey's anxiety and upset about the key and her mother's mental health to plant the idea that it was in fact Stacey who wasn't well it rather contradicted Jean's history as a supposedly sympathetic character. You would have thought such manipulative cruelty beyond her.

'You're not well Stacey,' she purred with a calmness that was sinister (especially for her). 'Neurotic, mood swings... This is what you get like remember? We need to get you to a doctor.'

All in all Jean's wedding was, predictably, a bleak and miserly affair with no expensive spared.

The number of location shots of Brighton was...none. The ceremony wasn't exactly lavish with none of the budget spent on extras and guests few and far between.

Ambush: Martin decided the best place to have their conversations about bipolar disorder was in the middle of the market, practically rugby-tackling every time she rushed past

Grim: 'Turn that frown upside down young lady !' (Martin didn't say)

Shirley travelled down with half a pint of vodka and ended up telling Stacey's daughter Lily: 'forget what they say in fairytales - there's no such thing as a happy ending.'

This didn't bode well for Jade if Shirley wins custody of her granddaughter.

Mind you at least Shirley went. Jean's popularity in Walford seems to have faded.

Kat and Alfie 'sent flowers', she explained, on the grounds that coming from Spain to Brighton was 'too far for them to travel with the kids.'

The bridegroom Ollie was even less popular – with precisely no friends or family at the wedding. Their vows suggested at least the two lovers of gardening were well suited.

'I promise to provide you with nourishment and care as you continue to grow,' declared Ollie. 'To weather any storm and to love you - from your roots to your tips.' That's T-I-P-S.

Kiss the bride: the shop assistant had told Jean her dress was 'vintage' and went with her face - something of a back-handed compliment

Jean meanwhile gave a token cry of 'I've made my famous Sausage Surprise !' No wonder Martin was losing his enthusiasm about a future with Stacey as his missus and Jean as his muvver-in-law.

He admitted he didn't know much about their medical condition.

'When I hear 'bi-polar' all I think is people going off their rocker,' he told Stacey, sensitively.

Still, at least he wanted to discuss it – although only by having heart-to-heart conversations with Stacey in the middle of the market, practically rugby-tackling her every time she rushed past to deal with some other crisis.

Her behaviour watching Lily's performance at a terrible children's dance show had just convinced Stacey that her mother was right and she was becoming ill again.

Luckily a row between Kush and Shabnam inspired a miraculous breakthrough insight - suddenly seeing the similarities between the symptoms of being bipolar and... being pregnant.

The camera panning up from Stacey's ankles to show her sitting on the toilet with a pregnancy test confirmed she was up the duff.

Still got a crush on Kush? Stacey's men suffer a battle of egos as she tries to fight her feelings

Struck dumb: Martin Fowler's reaction to the news he was going to be a dad was 'this is massive' - although not as massive as the gormless giant himself

After all, anyone who has sex in Walford usually (instantly) is – even when, as Stacey explained to her GP, she was on the pill.

'I'm no expert,' began the doctor not very promisingly. 'But I do know the carbamazepine you take for your condition can render the pill ineffective.'

Oops. 'Were you told that?'

Probably not... In fact Stacey couldn't remember but either way this was irrelevant: it was too late.

When Stacey told Martin the happy news that he was going to be a dad, it made him even more miserable than usual.

His reaction was characteristically charmless. 'Nahhhh!' he grimaced, recoiling. Not exactly the reaction she was hoping for. As the truth sank in, his face became an ugly mix of dismay and self-loathing.

'I don't know what to say. This is massive... I've got to think about this,' he muttered making it plain that her having a baby was actually all about him.

As Martin sat on Arthur's bench with the weary hopelessness of a human Eeyore, Ian offered his sage words of advice.

'Stacey's done this to trap you...The last bloke she did this to fell off that roof and that was all because of her.'

Above: Stacey looks forward to another trip to the GP to discuss being bipolar, being pregnant, and while she's there, possibly having a look at a veruka she thought she had

Concerns: The GP asked Stacey if she was aware that her medication could render the pill 'ineffective'. That'll be a 'No' doc

So much for Walford's famous sense of 'community.'

Ian reminded Martin of all the grief he's been through with Sonia and their daughter Rebecca.

'Do you really want to go through all that again?!' Ian continued, not unreasonably. 'You're young! You should be out there having fun!'

'I am having fun!' Martin objected. 'I'm having fun with Stacey! She's a laugh!'

None of these three claims was true. Martin was arguably the least fun bloke in the series/London and Stacey's expression is permanently worried – like an anxious human hamster.

When Stacey told Whitney, Whit' was happier about it that Stacey was.

'Ahhhh ! Congratulatons !' she gasped, forgetting that the father was Martin.

Stacey's latest worry was that the combination of being bipolar and pregnant would frighten Martin off (temporarily forgetting that she shouldn't have been worrying about this because she really wanted to be with Kush).

When Whitney assured her 'Martin is a really good dad to Rebecca,' she argued (debatable). 'He will stand by you' - at which point we knew Stacey was in trouble.

Martin rushed back to share his own moment of clarity.

As is compulsory by law, Martin went to think about things by sitting on local landmark Arthur's Bench and having a deep and meaningful discussion with the local overweight guru, Ian

Cold comfort: this season Ian weas mostly wearing...grey - to go with his face, his mood, and, well everything about life in Walford

'I really want us to work out,' he began encouragingly. 'But we're still getting to know each other. And my divorce hasn't come through yet, and I've got to think about Rebecca.'

This was a case of far too many excuses – a man who doth protesteth too much innit?

'I want to carry on being here with you and Lily, carrying on getting to know each other. I want you to spend more time with Rebecca, start our own family.'

But he enthused this 'family' wasn't 'ready' for a child that was actually both of theirs - 'not for a few years anyway.'

The obvious conclusion, Martin had therefore decided, was: 'You need to have an abortion.'

Brooding: Martin was either worried about pending fatherhood - or was traumatised by his chat with Ian

It was surely telling that the only person to understand Stacey or be remotely nice to her all week was her ex/ex-father-in-law, Max Branning – although not as nice as he used to be.

'I've seen you go off the deep end. If you were going off on one, we wouldn't be having this conversation trust me,' Sex-Mad Max reassured her, more kindly than it sounded.

Sex-Mad Max has fallen on 'ard times lately, ever since Phil Mitchell had bullied him out of the car lot like a fat (bald) bully taking another kid's dinner money and all Max's children had left him rattling around in his East End mansion on his own.

He was so broke though that eventually he acceded to Carol's plan that he move in, and reluctantly agree: 'alright I'll rent the arse out.'

(No, not in THAT way. He wasn't that desperate. He meant his house.)

'It's a bit humiliating isn't it?' mocked Cindy. 'A grown man sleeping on his sister's sofa?'

Story of the Blues: Sonia took the news that Carol still wouldn't give her trumpet back badly

Sonia meanwhile complained that 'his feet smell and he snores like a foghorn !' – which was a bit rich after all the years she had spent tooting away on her trumpet (as it were).

What Cindy and Sonia seemed not to appreciate how irresistible he was – from girls as young as Stacey and Lucy Beale to older trollops like Denise Van Outen.

Max is even hotter now that he's got a motorbike and started wearing leather – like a cross between Evel Knievel or David Beckham and Jimmy Somerville.

What chance does Stacey have? The flames of passion between Sex-Mad Max and Stacey are bound to start flickering again.

Resistance is futile.

See what's coming up on Eastenders this summer