The British have chosen someone bonkers. All is right with the world

They all gave it the inevitable 1,000 per cent.

The bromance between David Walliams and Simon Cowell, whose teeth can be seen from outer space, reached fever pitch.

Amanda Holden was still pale as veal with a sweaty seam of lactating cleavage.

Alesha Dixon wore a net curtain over a swimming costume and still managed to look ravishing.

Gracious runners-up: Teen opera duo Jonathan Antoine and Charlotte Jaconelli narrowly missed out on the title  Read more:

Gracious runners-up: Teen opera duo Jonathan Antoine and Charlotte Jaconelli narrowly missed out on the title

Wild Card act The Mend was announced. The commercial breaks came so thick and fast, Aquabatique were starting to prune.

It was the BGT Final! The standard was higher than ever! Everyone was upping their game!

But what about the performances? Sam Kelly, from East Anglia, was keen to show us his feminine side: pink pants and a scarf tied round his guitar. His performance was flawless, and  sweet in its ordinariness.

Nu Sxool were up next, and if there is anything I hate more than bad spelling, it’s street dancing. They danced to Working Day and Night, which only made me wish for the millionth time Michael Jackson were still alive.

Molly Rainford (whom Alesha insists on describing as ‘like Mariah Carey’, ie, she’s mixed race), sang Ave Maria, and rather worryingly wore lipstick despite being 11 years old. ‘You’re raw and organic!’ Alesha told Loveable Rogues. ‘We had so much fun!’ they all said. I don’t care how much fun they had, I want to be entertained!

Kai and Natalia, the ballroom dancers, reminded me of Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey: she has a big nose. Simon was slowly turning into Mr Nice Guy. Ant, or was it Dec?, eyeballed the synchronised swimmers.

The little one is so lustful! It has certainly been the smuttiest series so far, with Alesha and Amanda mere beards between the male judges at each end of the table.

There were tears, of course,  from Ryan O’Shaughnessy, with his endearing Stan Laurel ears, who sang the self penned song from the first audition.

Enlarge   Winners: Ashleigh Buter and her dog Pudsey have won this year's Britain's Got Talent

Winners: Ashleigh Buter and her dog Pudsey have won this year's Britain's Got Talent

‘You have a big future!’ Simon told him, which given he’d told ejected Essex girl Hope she was the next Adele, was small comfort.

Who did I vote for? While I loved the endearingly wholesome Ashleigh, the fact she preferred to hang out with her dog rather than go out looking for boys and drinking vodka, I’m uncomfy with getting dogs to do tricks.

But Pudsey is incredible: way to go Alesha for saying that if anyone out there is treating animals wrongly, what these two are doing is showing them how special dogs are.

Being Welsh, I was rooting for Only Boys Aloud to come second: the choirmaster was like someone out of an Alan Bennett play. But it had to be the bashful Jonathan with his big girth and even bigger voice and partner Charlotte, who is a sweetheart. ‘How could it happen to someone like me?’ Jonathan said before he came onstage.

I loved the way he looks at Charlotte and smiles. I do love an underdog, which tonight wasn’t Pudsey. I voted for Jonathan and it was engaged! How is that possible! I called again. This is for all the bullied teens in the world. For everyone who feels ugly, that they don’t fit in. More than the Voice on the other channel, if Jonathan were to win this would be the ultimate triumph of substance over style. 

David Walliams joined the Show Bears onstage in the campest thing I’ve seen since Glastonbury, and Susan Boyle came on while votes and Aquabatique’s verrucas were counted: no one would have thought her remarkable if she had Amanda’s body.

That’s the difference between her and Jonathan: he actually does have talent. Oh please God, let it be the man with the pre Raphaelite curls!

Third was the Welsh boys’ choir.  Jonathan and Charlotte rather shockingly came second, while Pudsey was the winner! I’m gutted, but let’s hope the lovely Ashleigh gives the half a million pounds prize money to Battersea Dog’s Home.

The British chose someone bonkers. All is right with the world.

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