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Sacre bleu! The English are sending migrants to France: RICHARD LITTLEJOHN imagines how the French media would react if human traffic was going the other way

By Richard Littlejohn for the Daily Mail

Published: 18:42 EST, 30 July 2015 | Updated: 19:58 EST, 30 July 2015

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Thousands of migrants are massing on the south coast of England intent on reaching mainland Europe. It’s being called the biggest invasion since D-Day. Here is our chief foreign correspondent, Roger Rosbif.

Good morning, Pierre. I’m standing on the world-famous White Cliffs of Folkestone, where a giant makeshift transit camp has sprung up to accommodate migrants heading for Calais.

They have laid siege to the ferry terminal, and last night 3,000 illegal immigrants stormed the Port of Dover trying to stow away on lorries bound for France.

Sacre bleu! Thousands of migrants are massing on the south coast of England intent on reaching mainland Europe

Where have these people come from, Roger?

Afghanistan, Somalia, Syria, Eritrea, Pakistan, Tower Hamlets, Toddington Services. All over the world, in fact. And they are hell-bent on reaching Continental Europe.

How did they get to Dover?

Some of them have travelled thousands of miles in container ships, dhows, paddle steamers and rubber dinghies. Their original intention was to enter Europe by crossing the Mediterranean to Italy, but after the EU naval blockade shut down that route, they switched their gateway to the UK.

Where’s the Royal Navy in all this, Roger?

That’s a good question, Pierre. Frankly, the Royal Navy is a shadow of its former self. At the time of Agincourt, it boasted hundreds of ships, and for centuries Britain ruled the waves. Today, it has about half a dozen decrepit destroyers, four canoes, a few pedalos and two aircraft carriers without any aircraft. There are more admirals than ships these days.

Sacre bleu!

You can say that again, Pierre. Britain’s Armed Forces have been slashed to the bone and the Government no longer has the will to defend its borders. Hundreds of thousands of illegal immigrants have been free to come and go as they please.

French naval vessels are steaming across the Channel to mount a blockade of all ports on the English south coast from Dover (pictured) to Plymouth, reports our chief foreign correspondent Roger Rosbif

The UK and France working together on immigration chaos

Then why aren’t they staying in Britain, Roger? I thought that under international law, migrants were supposed to claim asylum in the first safe country they reached.

That’s technically the case, Pierre, but no one has taken any notice of that rule for years. It seems to have been superseded by the European Human Rights Act, which means that anyone from anywhere in the world can move to the EU and immediately be granted citizenship or indefinite right to remain.

In theory, Roger, but here in France we have always ignored any rule which doesn’t suit us. For years, we’ve been deporting so-called asylum seekers or sending them on to England. What’s changed?

A couple of things, Pierre. First, the English have had enough, which is why four million of them voted for the anti-immigration party, Ukip, at the last election.

And second?

Savage cuts to welfare mean that Britain is no longer such an attractive destination, so all these migrants are now determined to settle in France. One man from Iraq told me that he had considered settling in London but it was already overcrowded. Too many foreigners for his liking. That’s why he wants to move to France, or Germany, or Italy.

More from Richard Littlejohn for the Daily Mail...

But the British are supposed to be our European partners. This is happening on British soil. What are they doing about it?

Not much, Pierre. They blame France and the EU. Ever since Sangatte, the world has got the message that Europe welcomes illegal immigrants.

Yes, but we wanted them all to go to Britain, not swamp France.

That was then, Pierre. Times have changed. Frankly, the British just want to see the back of these people. As far as the British are concerned, the sooner these migrants make it to France, the better.

This is outrageous. There are humanitarian considerations, surely? We are talking about thousands of vulnerable men, women and children.

Very few women and children, Pierre, mostly fit young men. And not so vulnerable, either. Many of them carry knives and other weapons, and have the strength to tear down fences and break into the Eurostar terminal.

What are the British police doing?

They’ve put up some cones on the M20 and sent along 120 community support officers in hi-viz jackets. They have also introduced what they call a stacking system, which makes it easier for migrants to board lorries bound for mainland Europe.

Is that it? Only 120 policemen?

They’re not even proper policemen, Pierre. More like traffic wardens or shopping centre security guards. What you have to understand is that the British police don’t even bother investigating burglaries any more. They’re all too busy arresting journalists and ageing TV presenters. They’re terrified that if they tackle illegal immigrants, they’ll be accused of institutional racism.

Why don’t they send in the Army?

You must be joking, Pierre. For one thing, the Army’s in worse shape than the Navy. And for another, every time the British Government deploys troops anywhere in the world, millions of people take to the streets screaming ‘Not In My Name’ and start setting fire to Central London.

Is anyone in Britain doing anything to help?

The Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, has offered to sell the Mayor of Calais a couple of surplus water cannon. And the owner of a curry house in Folkestone has opened a pop-up cafe at the White Cliffs transit camp to provide the migrants with culturally appropriate food.

'Offering to help': The Mayor of London, Boris Johnson

What’s the latest?

Well, the Port of Dover is now in the hands of the militant Unite trades union, which says it will not allow any vehicles from Europe into Britain until Jeremy Corbyn is elected leader of the Labour Party and all the migrants camped out here are safely in France.

Zut alors! The EU is supposed to be a free-trade and freedom-of-movement area.

That’s true, Pierre. But the British say they have decided to play by the same rules as France has for years. And the Interior Minister insists that freedom of movement works in both directions, especially when it comes to illegal immigration. Now, back to the studio.

Thank you, Roger. We’ve just heard that as thousands more migrants storm the rail and ferry terminals in Britain in a desperate attempt to cross to France, President Hollande will address the nation later this evening. Let’s go over to Fifi Madame in the newsroom for an update.

Merci, Pierre, you naughty boy. French naval vessels are steaming across the Channel to mount a blockade of all ports on the English south coast from Dover to Plymouth.

The President has ordered the immediate closure of the Eurotunnel and all French ports with direct services from England until further notice. Ten thousand troops armed with machine guns have been drafted in to support the CRS riot police.

Tanks have been positioned on all main roads leading from the ports. Police and soldiers have been given orders to round up any illegals and transport them to a detention centre near Le Touquet, where military planes will be waiting to deport them immediately. Anyone attempting to escape will be shot on sight.

Meanwhile, in Strasbourg, talks aimed at renegotiating Britain’s membership of the EU have just ended. A French motion proposing that Britain should be expelled from the EU forthwith was carried unanimously.