I never thought anything would rival the day when I bowled out West Indian great Brian Lara for a duck – but this felt even better
SATURDAY, JULY 25
Sir Ian Botham celebrated his 60th birthday today with a star-studded charity cricket match between his XI and a Sir Viv Richards XI at Wormsley, a wonderful private ground in Buckinghamshire owned by the Getty family.
I was picked to play for Sir Viv, and to my utter horror discovered my captain was Andrew Strauss – the man who recently banned my friend Kevin Pietersen for life from the England team.
The only confirmed reasons for this ludicrous decision are that KP allegedly whistled when he was caught out in his last Test match 18 months ago, looked ‘distracted’ while fielding and had created ‘trust issues’.
Fast-bowling legend Glenn McGrath was playing for Sir Ian Botham's XI, which was captained by Shane Warne (right). I tweeted him: ‘Quick question, Glenn. Would you prefer I hit you onto the pavilion roof or into the trees?’
As you can imagine, things were a little tense in the dressing room at the start.
Sir Viv gave a short team talk: ‘Gentlemen, I’ve never lost at anything to Beefy Botham and I don’t intend starting today.’
‘Are we allowed to whistle?’ I asked.
‘What do you mean?’ said Sir Viv.
‘Mr Strauss knows what I mean.’ Strauss whacked me around the shoulder.
‘This is going well!’ chortled our team-mate, Darren Gough.
Australian fast-bowling legend Glenn McGrath was playing for Sir Ian’s XI, which was captained by Shane Warne. I tweeted him: ‘Quick question, Glenn. Would you prefer I hit you onto the pavilion roof or into the trees?’
‘Probably the trees,’ he replied, ‘that’s where the ambulance is parked.’
We fielded first, and Strauss brought me on to bowl after 40 minutes.
I delivered a tidy over, conceding just five runs.
‘That wasn’t terrible,’ he said, ‘but I’m taking you off.’
‘Thus continuing your policy of punishing great players for doing too well,’ I retorted.
I was sent to field on the boundary, where I was heckled by the large crowd sitting on the grass (think Henman Hill and Murray Mound but all booing). To their delight, I soon missed a ball as I posed for a selfie with a (solitary) female fan.
‘MORGAN!’ shrieked Strauss, furiously.
‘Sorry skipper, I was distracted. I know this means a lifetime ban but I don’t want to play for you again anyway.’
When Glenn McGrath walked out to bat, Strauss brought me back on to bowl.
‘Last chance,’ he muttered.
‘Or what? I’ve already banned myself.’ I turned to McGrath and made a throat-cutting gesture.
You’re mine,’ I growled at the 6ft 5in legend.
'Yeah, right,’ he smirked. First ball, I spun down a massive leg break.
McGrath prodded forward, the ball looped into the air, I dived forward and caught it.
I was sent to field on the boundary, where I was heckled by the large crowd sitting on the grass (think Henman Hill and Murray Mound but all booing)
‘BOOOOOM!’ I screamed.
‘NOOOOOO!’ McGrath wailed, putting his hands on his knees in horror. I gave him a Usain Bolt bended-knee arrow salute as he sloped off.
‘Oh for f***’s sake,’ sighed ex-Ashes hero Matthew Hoggard, who was on my team.
‘We’ll never hear the end of this.’ Oliver Phelps, who played identical twin George Weasley in the Harry Potter films, congratulated me.
‘Now that’s magic,’ I explained.
Then I turned to the captain. ‘See Andrew, this is what happens when you reverse a bad decision and bring your maverick stars back in from the cold.’
‘Morgan, shut up and go field at short leg, where someone can hopefully silence you permanently.’
‘That could create serious trust issues,’ I replied.
At tea, I found McGrath sitting, distraught, with Shane Warne. ‘This is the worst moment of my entire career,’ he declared.
‘It could get worse,’ I said, ‘I’ve still got to bat against you and I’m feeling good.’
Warne erupted with laughter. ‘Mate, I wouldn’t wind him up any more if I were you.’
Strauss approached. ‘Morgan, you’re batting No 3. A lot of people want to see Glenn get revenge.’
When I walked out to bat, the 5,000-strong crowd began baying for blood, and the commentator reminded everyone: ‘We all remember Piers’s terrible technique against Australian fast bowlers when he faced Brett Lee in the nets.’
Send your Twitter questions about the rich, famous and infamous to @piersmorgan using the hashtag #askpiers – and every week I’ll answer the most amusing
McGrath went back to his full international run-up, charged in and unleashed a thunderbolt. I took one step down the wicket and smashed him majestically for four through the covers.
‘NOOOOO!!!!!!’ howled McGrath. Again.
‘I don’t f***ing believe it!’ cried Warne.
I never thought anything would rival the day last summer in St Kitts when I bowled out West Indian great Brian Lara for a duck but this felt even better.
I stood, arms raised smugly aloft, soaking in the moment of glory for at least a minute. McGrath peppered me with a few bouncers afterwards, and I was soon bowled out by Yorkshire star Ryan Sidebottom. But none of that mattered.
The victory was mine. On my arrival back in the pavilion, I asked Strauss if he’d enjoyed my shot. ‘I didn’t see it,’ he snorted.
‘All I saw was you making a fool of yourself as usual, Morgan.’
‘Not the first time you’ve ignored a great innings, is it?’ I replied. Later, we sat in the dressing room and debated the KP situation man to man for half an hour. It was a civilised conversation, with both sides making their point forcefully.
I agreed not to make it public, so I won’t. But I came away feeling hopeful that common sense may eventually prevail and Pietersen’s ridiculously unfair lifetime ban is lifted before it’s too late.
‘I almost enjoyed playing with you,’ I told Strauss as we shook hands and bade farewell.
‘Me too,’ he chuckled. ‘Almost.’ As I walked to my car, I passed Glenn McGrath.
‘Hug?’ I suggested. His reply cannot be repeated in a family newspaper. Suffice it to say he declined the invitation.
