Internet, movies and books saying how sex 'ought to be' putting couples under pressure

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Many find the steamy antics within Fifty Shades of Grey too intimidating
Feel so ‘bombarded’ with how sex ‘ought to be' they feel under pressure
Some are so put off that they avoid sex altogether - Relate study found
Research found half of couples questioned hadn't slept together in a month

By Tania Steere for the Daily Mail

Published: 18:28 EST, 5 August 2015 | Updated: 01:56 EST, 6 August 2015

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If you’re looking to spice up your sex life, these days you are rather spoiled for choice.

But it seems the avalanche of information available in magazines, movies, books and the internet is turning out to be a turn off.

Couples are now so ‘bombarded’ with messages about how sex ‘ought to be’ that they feel under pressure and avoid it altogether.

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Many find the steamy antics in Fifty Shades of Grey (pictured) more intimidating than inspiring, a survey for Relate, the relationship charity, found

Many find the steamy antics in Fifty Shades of Grey more intimidating than inspiring, a survey for Relate, the relationship charity, found.

In the study of 6,000 British adults by YouGov, just 45 per cent said they were ‘fairly satisfied’ or ‘very satisfied’ with their sex life, while 51 per cent said they had not had sex in the past month. The best-selling Fifty Shades novels may have brought erotica into the mainstream but many men and women have been left feeling inadequate and failing to notice what is actually good about their sex lives.

Relate, which provided more than 20,000 sessions of sex therapy in 2013/14, said couples often say they want to bring the spontaneity back to their love lives.

But its counsellors point out that sex is rarely truly spontaneous and busy people sometimes have to plan for intimacy.

‘It’s sad that so few people are sexually satisfied and put pressure on themselves to perform,’ said Cate Campbell, a psychosexual therapist and Relate Institute lecturer.

‘Noticing what is going well, rather than dwelling on problems, is quite difficult when we’re all bombarded with messages about how sex “ought” to be.

Fifty Shades of Grey trailer shows controversial sex scenes

Research by charity Relate found that half of couples questioned hadn't slept together in a month

‘Sex definitely doesn’t have to be disappointing – there’s plenty that can turn your situation around so you can enjoy a sustained, fulfilling sex life. What constitutes a satisfying sex life can vary wildly from one person to the next, so working out what makes you tick is a great starting point.

‘People may feel concerned if they haven’t had sex in the past month but there are plenty of other ways to be sexy.’

Previous research by Relate suggests a lack of intimacy in many relationships, with nearly a fifth of people saying they never or rarely felt loved in the two weeks before they were questioned.

Denise Knowles, a Relate sex therapist, said it was clear that ‘things aren’t as good as they could be for many’.

She said although people found it difficult to talk about sex with their partner, it could be the key to improving what is an important aspect of their life together.

‘This can have an impact on our relationships and the way we feel about ourselves,’ she said.

‘The first step in improving sex for most people is to start talking honestly about what you want from your sex life, and, crucially, listening to your partner’s wishes as well.’